1 00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:16,841 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:20,019 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,587 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,588 --> 00:00:26,156 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:34,686 Is there someone present in this house? 6 00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:36,862 Is there a spirit here? 7 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:40,083 John : Oh. 8 00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:41,388 I just wanna point out you got 9 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:42,564 a fuckin' talkin' teddy bear here. 10 00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,044 A ghost ain't that big a deal. 11 00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:45,262 Shh. Quiet. 12 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,091 Will you answer our questions? 13 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,009 How many times a day does Johnny jerk off? 14 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,010 Fuck you, man. 15 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,361 Eighty-seven? 16 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,102 Oh, hang on, he's heading for the zero. 17 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,625 All right, fuck this. This is bullshit. 18 00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,627 He said, storming off to masturbate. 19 00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,673 Whoa. Hey, Blaire, what's all that? 20 00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:06,891 Oh, just some booze 21 00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:08,416 for my birthday party tomorrow night. 22 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:09,807 That's a lot of alcohol. 23 00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,766 Yeah, well, you know, college crowd. 24 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,595 Hey, Blaire, do you think maybe me and Teddy 25 00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:14,509 could steal a couple beers? 26 00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:15,553 Oh, yeah! 27 00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,512 Ha! Hilarious. 28 00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:19,208 No. - Oh, come on. 29 00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,993 We'll wait until Mom and Dad are asleep to drink 'em. 30 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,170 And-- And we'll do it all in our room so no one will know. 31 00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:24,823 The ghosts will know. 32 00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,302 The ghosts have seen my asshole. 33 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,870 Why do I care if they see me drink a beer? 34 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,133 Wait. Why'd you show 'em your asshole? 35 00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:31,874 They asked. 36 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,137 Sometimes I use the board when you guys aren't around. 37 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:43,842 all : ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 38 00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:45,888 Happy birthday, Blaire. 39 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,020 Blow out your candles. 40 00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:49,370 Oh, for God's sakes, do you have to do this 41 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:50,588 every fuckin' year? 42 00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:52,285 It's his birthday too, damn it. 43 00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:53,896 I'm sorry, Blaire. 44 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,376 Matty insisted. 45 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,073 You have the same birthday as Reagan? 46 00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,421 Yes, and I don't need 47 00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,163 to be constantly fucking reminded of it. 48 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,859 Hey, watch your mouth. 49 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,166 You're talking about the greatest fuckin' president 50 00:02:03,384 --> 00:02:04,558 this country's ever had. 51 00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:05,646 That doesn't mean you need to leave 52 00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:06,778 an empty seat for him every year. 53 00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:08,432 Like he's fuckin' Elijah the prophet. 54 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,260 It's like the ghost is sitting there. 55 00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:11,347 What ghost? 56 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:12,349 Blaire has a Ouija board, 57 00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:13,611 and we were talking to a ghost, 58 00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,091 and it watches Johnny jerk off 59 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,222 and he showed it his butthole. 60 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:17,485 Blaire, I don't like having 61 00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:20,009 a Ouija board in this house. 62 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,531 We're churchgoing people. 63 00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:24,405 Okay, listen, thank you so much for the cake. 64 00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:26,233 Really, I-- I do appreciate it. 65 00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,584 I'll have some of it later, but right now, 66 00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,629 me and Sarah are gonna go up and get ready for the party. 67 00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,066 - Okay. - Just keep the noise down, huh? 68 00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:37,244 Oh, come on, Matty. It's her birthday. 69 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:38,941 Hey, hey. Don't sit. That's for Reagan! 70 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,945 That-- That's for Reagan. 71 00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:48,341 ♪ Murderer ♪ 72 00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:49,733 ♪ I'm the lyrical gangster ♪ 73 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:50,518 ♪ Murderer ♪ 74 00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,651 ♪ Still love you like that ♪ 75 00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:55,653 ♪ Murderer ♪ 76 00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,485 - ♪ Yes, we mul-ti-ply ♪ - Happy birthday. 77 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,273 Oh, man, these chicks are so hot. 78 00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:09,232 Oh, God. 79 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,408 Shouldn't her vagina be starting? 80 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,715 - Huh? - She's pulling way down there. 81 00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,803 It should be starting. There's nothing there. 82 00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,065 Oh, yeah. Look at that. 83 00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,068 I'm gonna write a letter to these bums. 84 00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,723 Dear Sports Illustrated, 85 00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:25,292 the woman on page 64 has no vagina. 86 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:27,729 You have got some nerve. 87 00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,905 I have drawn a sketch to indicate 88 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:31,559 what I feel we are owed. 89 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,561 Sincerely, Jason Bateman. 90 00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,432 Oh, man. This sucks. 91 00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,086 I'm 17 years old. 92 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,567 It's Friday night, and there's beer in my house 93 00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:41,090 and I can't get to it. 94 00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,527 Hey, you know, I could probably go get some. 95 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:45,007 - How? - Well, that room's 96 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,355 probably packed with people. 97 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,531 Nobody's gonna notice a guy my size 98 00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:48,880 slippin' in and slippin' out. 99 00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,273 You really think you can do it? 100 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,536 Does Magic Johnson have AIDS? 101 00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,277 - What the fuck? - What? 102 00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:56,323 What the fuck kind of response is that? 103 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,455 - What? I'm saying yes. - Then just say yes. 104 00:03:58,673 --> 00:03:59,934 - I did. - No, you didn't. 105 00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:01,328 You said, "Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?" 106 00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,330 - I never said that. - You literally just said it. 107 00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:04,766 Okay, I did, but you laughed. 108 00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,028 No, I didn't. 109 00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,291 I feel like we're growing apart. 110 00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:15,384 Jesus Christ, would you listen to that? 111 00:04:15,385 --> 00:04:18,214 Sounds like they're having a goddamn or-gee. 112 00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,477 I think it's pronounced "orjy." 113 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,306 No, no, you're thinking of "orijami." 114 00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:24,829 What's that? 115 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:26,962 That's that-- that thing where the Japanese 116 00:04:27,179 --> 00:04:28,224 fuck around with paper. 117 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,312 Keep it down! 118 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,576 Oh, they're just havin' fun. 119 00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:35,144 Remember when we were her age? No. 120 00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:37,580 - We'd go to parties. - Yeah, that was different. 121 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,061 We-- We were doing the Twist. 122 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,281 These degenerates are doing the Lambada. 123 00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:42,325 Oh. Matt-- 124 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:43,587 It's forbidden, Susan. 125 00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:47,287 We were young and passionate. 126 00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,332 Do you ever miss it? Even just a little? 127 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,507 No. 128 00:04:52,466 --> 00:04:54,424 - Matty. - What? 129 00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,296 Do you love me? 130 00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:58,559 What the hell kinda question is that, Susan? 131 00:04:58,776 --> 00:04:59,995 Of course I do. 132 00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:01,388 It's just... 133 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,347 I never know what you're feeling anymore. 134 00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:05,522 I feel fine. 135 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,352 But you like your life with me? 136 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:10,657 Yeah. 137 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,355 It's okay to share your feelings. 138 00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:13,790 Jesus Christ, Susan, 139 00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,227 I'm ju-- I'm just trying to read here. 140 00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:20,624 - Are your stools any better? - Fuckin' awful. 141 00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:23,105 Just piles of eyebrows for three days. 142 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,847 - Oh, I'm sorry. - You know what? 143 00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,284 I'm gonna try and coax one out right now. 144 00:05:35,465 --> 00:05:37,249 Oh. 145 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,120 Oh, Christ. Susan. 146 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:42,385 Call the doctor. Ask why diarrhea would be white. 147 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,394 Um, so, what did your parents say? 148 00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,570 Um... 149 00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:55,746 nothing. I di-- I didn't tell them. 150 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:57,705 Are you fucking kidding me? 151 00:05:57,922 --> 00:05:59,402 Sarah, we-- we talked about this. 152 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:01,404 I know, I know. I'm sorry. 153 00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:04,059 This was the only thing I wanted for my birthday. 154 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,452 Blaire, they're just not ready, okay? 155 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,411 We'd be saving ourselves. 156 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,848 You are such a hypocrite. 157 00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,894 You-- You sat in that bed right there 158 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,026 and gave me shit for not telling Matty and Susan. 159 00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:17,420 Well, maybe I was fucking wrong. 160 00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:18,900 Maybe it wasn't a good idea. 161 00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,945 No, no. It was. 162 00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:22,338 And I did it. 163 00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:25,123 And, yeah, it was fuckin' hard as shit, 164 00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,516 but I did it. 165 00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,431 And eventually they understood. 166 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,128 And so will your parents. No. It's different. 167 00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:32,870 That's so not fair. 168 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,829 Blaire, I'm just protecting us. 169 00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:37,440 No, I don't need your fucking protection, okay? 170 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:41,444 I put myself out there in front of my family for you, 171 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,054 and I deserve that same respect. 172 00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,753 It's not the right time. 173 00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,321 Fuck you then. 174 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,583 Excuse me? 175 00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:53,761 - I'm-- I'm sorry. - No. It's fine. 176 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,066 I'll see you later. 177 00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:56,502 No. Sarah, wait. 178 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,113 Happy birthday. 179 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,596 Fuck! 180 00:07:07,992 --> 00:07:09,385 Ah, fuck. 181 00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:11,953 Hey. 182 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,869 You okay? - The fuck are you doing here? 183 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:16,479 I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear 184 00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:17,915 who was told he couldn't have beer, 185 00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,221 so I'm stealing beer. 186 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,701 Whatever. 187 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,485 Do whatever the fuck you want. 188 00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:24,879 You, uh, you want one? 189 00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,271 Thanks. 190 00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:34,757 ♪ Rollin' down the street ♪ ♪ Smokin' indo ♪ 191 00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,020 ♪ Sippin' on gin and juice ♪ 192 00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,807 ♪ Laid back with my mind ♪ ♪ On my money ♪ 193 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,463 It's like she thinks the rules are different for her 194 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:44,724 than they are for me. 195 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,290 - Totally. - You know what I mean? 196 00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:50,208 It's like I took shit from a talking dump truck for her. 197 00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,472 - Yup. - You know, I almost alienated 198 00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,387 my whole family because I loved her. 199 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:57,520 And now, now she wants to play it safe 200 00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:58,608 that it's fucking flipped. 201 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,479 Love is a two-way street, 202 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,525 and she doesn't-- she doesn't get that. 203 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,962 Exactly. I mean, what the fuck? 204 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,529 Love is a battlefield. 205 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:07,834 - Yes. - Right. 206 00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,924 Holy shit. Wait, who the fuck-- 207 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,141 Who thought of that? Did you-- 208 00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,361 - I did. - Did you think of that? 209 00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:14,015 I write poetry on the side. 210 00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:17,627 We are young, and no one can tell us we're wrong. 211 00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,019 Jesus. 212 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,239 That's-- That's fuckin' word art, man. 213 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,154 - Listen, you gotta do... - What? 214 00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,722 ...what you think is the rightsest for you. 215 00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:30,074 And if she knows what she's got, then she's got to get in it. 216 00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:31,772 - Yes. - 'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool. 217 00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,948 Oh, fuck you. You're cool. 218 00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:36,167 Listen, you listen to your pal Ted 219 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,908 'cause he's got your back. 220 00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,791 Am I lesbian now? 221 00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,575 Okay, I'm going to bed. 222 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,752 Me, too. 223 00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:17,687 Oh! 224 00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:29,786 Ted! 225 00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:31,745 Ted! 226 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,751 Ah, Jesus. 227 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:39,970 I kissed you. 228 00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,146 - Yeah. - I was drunk. 229 00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:44,409 - Yeah. - My head was all fucked up. 230 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,671 Yeah. 231 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:46,498 Please forget this ever happened 232 00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,456 till the day you die. 233 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,978 Oh, thank God, 234 00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,458 I thought you were gonna make me marry you. 235 00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,026 Hey, you got a shirt? It's kinda cold this morning. 236 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,594 Yeah. 237 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,686 Uh, also, I borrowed 238 00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,775 a pair of shoes and a handbag from Aunt Suse. 239 00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,472 Could you take 'em and bring 'em back to her? 240 00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:04,734 Sure. 241 00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,431 Don't be humiliated. You can do this. 242 00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,999 You are a strong, independent-- 243 00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,086 Ted? 244 00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,785 Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko. 245 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,787 Are you okay? 246 00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,353 Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you. 247 00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,748 Well, you look like a whore! 248 00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,803 Where the hell have you been? 249 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,108 Oh, I don't wanna talk right now. 250 00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:32,240 I just wanna sleep. 251 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:33,458 I waited up all night for you. 252 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,589 Look, could we please just-- 253 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:35,809 We were supposed to drink beer. 254 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,506 You never came back with the beer. 255 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,856 Things got, uh, out of hand. 256 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:41,815 Oh, what things? 257 00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:42,816 And why do you got lipstick 258 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:43,990 all over your face? 259 00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,427 Did you hook up with somebody? 260 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,431 I-- I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 261 00:10:49,866 --> 00:10:51,259 - What? - I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 262 00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:52,346 Okay? Are you happy. 263 00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:54,088 You fucked Mrs. Fechko? 264 00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:55,741 She invited me in 'cause she had 265 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,700 way too much potato salad, and she was panicking. 266 00:10:57,918 --> 00:10:59,310 Next thing I know, she's taking her teeth out. 267 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,399 - No way. - Johnny, I swear. 268 00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:03,663 Okay. Well, how was it? 269 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,882 Oh, she was amazing. Nothing was off the table. 270 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,016 Arabian Goggles, Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone. 271 00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:10,582 There were so many trombones, I thought I was 272 00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:11,845 in the Glenn Miller Orchestra. 273 00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:13,455 Holy shit. That's amazing. 274 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,850 - Does she have a friend? - Huh? 275 00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,765 Like, for me. Like, maybe we could double date. 276 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,549 Oh, yeah. John, you don't want to, uh-- 277 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,247 Teddy, I have struck out with every girl in school. 278 00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:26,903 But maybe there's somebody out there who's older, sure, 279 00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,645 but lonely, just like me. 280 00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:31,908 And I could give her my heart. 281 00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,822 And she could school me in the ancient art 282 00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:34,868 of making whoopee. 283 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:35,956 You sure? 284 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:37,697 Teddy, 285 00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,916 society may not see older women 286 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,136 as useful or sexy or even human, 287 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,268 but John Bennett does. 288 00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:48,577 John Bennett's not afraid to rub your back with BENGAY. 289 00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,362 Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid to blow his load 290 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,277 on a bowl of butterscotch candy. 291 00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,410 John Bennett's not afraid to finger-bang you 292 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,193 while you watch The People's Court. 293 00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:59,893 John Bennett's not afraid to hear your moans of pleasure 294 00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,371 and/or arthritic pain. 295 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,287 John Bennett's not afraid to talk dirty 296 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,593 twice as loud as my normal speaking voice. 297 00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,118 John Bennett's not afraid to do the same role play 298 00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:09,684 for five days in a row 299 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:11,078 'cause you keep forgettin' we did it already. 300 00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:12,906 John Bennett's not afraid to fuck you 301 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:14,908 while staring at a black and white photograph 302 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,518 of your son who died in the war. 303 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,693 Okay. Yeah, that's the one. 304 00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:26,920 Blaire, wh-what's all this? 305 00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,399 You can take this out with the trash. 306 00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:30,880 I'm never drinking again. 307 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:36,538 Matty, did you notice 308 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,802 your bacon and eggs were shaped like a smiley face? 309 00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:40,977 Yup. 310 00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,500 Do you like it? 311 00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,938 Susan, I don't need my breakfast to be having 312 00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:46,461 a better day than I am. 313 00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,986 All right, I gotta go to the hardware store. 314 00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:54,034 All right. 315 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,989 You were, for a while then, during your 20s 316 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,599 and your single days or when you were younger, 317 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,514 you were easy, as we would have said. 318 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,036 woman: Younger than that, actually. 319 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,211 That was the problem. 320 00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:43,647 - In your teenage years. - Yeah, yeah. 321 00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:45,825 Just-- So you would walk into a crowded room 322 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,001 and head right for the guy that would make you the... 323 00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:49,872 Who is it? It's me. 324 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,307 Phil Donahue:... grab him with both hands. 325 00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,701 woman: Or he'd grab me-- Right. 326 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,136 In any event, this was 327 00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,486 a neurotic satisfaction that you were... 328 00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,012 woman: Yes, it wasn't so much a neurotic satisfaction... 329 00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,013 Hey. 330 00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:01,710 Hi. 331 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,015 Can I come in? 332 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:03,843 woman: I couldn't do what, quote, 333 00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,018 other girls could do. 334 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,148 I couldn't sit there 335 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,194 and keep my mouth closed, 336 00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:08,456 not give my opinion 337 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,023 and be a-- 338 00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,026 Listen. 339 00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:15,942 I'm sorry about last night. 340 00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:20,337 I didn't mean for things to get so nasty. 341 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:24,385 Me neither. 342 00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:27,040 And I'm sorry about the fuck you. 343 00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,085 It's okay. 344 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,435 I slept on it... 345 00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,048 and I understand why you were upset. 346 00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:39,791 I-- I guess I was using sort of a double standard. 347 00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:42,969 I don't know, I guess 348 00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,753 I just didn't want to deal with the stress. 349 00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,364 But that wasn't fair to you. 350 00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:51,107 And I do apologize. 351 00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,590 Yeah. Um-- 352 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,462 So, there's one more thing 353 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,552 I need to tell you about last night. 354 00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:02,727 What? 355 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,468 I, uh-- 356 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,255 I made out with someone. 357 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:12,607 Who? Kathleen? 358 00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:13,956 - No. - Steven? 359 00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:15,784 - No. - Who? 360 00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:17,481 Ted. 361 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,093 - Oh, my God. - I was wasted. 362 00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,789 It just happened. - What the fuck? 363 00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,357 What the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? 364 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:24,749 - It didn't mean anything-- - What kind of fucked-up 365 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,099 West Virginia shit is that? 366 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,490 - I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. 367 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,840 And to think you gave your uncle shit 368 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,016 for jacking off a dog. 369 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,146 - Hold on. - No! 370 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,932 Fuck you! Get out! - Sarah. 371 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,324 We're done. 372 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,936 - What do you mean? - I mean, we're done. 373 00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:37,937 For real. 374 00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,880 man [on TV]: It is that you're a savings and loan officer. 375 00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,143 man: Watch. 376 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,972 One, two, three. See? 377 00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,148 You've got it all, and we've got nothing. 378 00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,150 And you have all four... - Blaire? 379 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,368 But I wouldn't trust you with... 380 00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,153 What's wrong? 381 00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:21,196 Nothing. 382 00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,199 But you're crying. 383 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:26,071 I just really don't want to talk about it, Aunt Suse. 384 00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,160 You want me-- You want me 385 00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,118 to make you the cakes? 386 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,859 The little cakes. 387 00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,427 - What? - Cupcakes! 388 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,081 The cupcakes. That's what they are. 389 00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,039 No, I'm-- I'm okay. 390 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,041 Oh. 391 00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:43,176 Sarah and I, we-- we broke up. 392 00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,178 Oh. 393 00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:49,008 Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry. 394 00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:52,011 It's all right. I just wanna be alone. 395 00:16:52,185 --> 00:16:54,187 But you can talk to Susan. 396 00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:58,233 ♪ Dr. Susan's in the house ♪ 397 00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,193 ♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪ ♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪ 398 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,236 Are you drunk? 399 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,022 No! 400 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,588 No, I would never. 401 00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,026 I-- I just had a little bit 402 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,593 of, um, wine from your box. 403 00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:11,943 Shh. 404 00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:15,208 Everybody deserves a little wine now and then, 405 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:17,210 don't you think? 406 00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,341 I guess. 407 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,041 Blaire, what are Goonies? 408 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,041 What? 409 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,695 I heard people talking 410 00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:25,913 about Goonies. 411 00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:27,046 Aunt Suse, I just really want 412 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,350 to be by myself. 413 00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:31,267 Oh, okay. I, uh-- I understand. 414 00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,226 Okay. - Okay, sweetheart. 415 00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,099 I'm gonna be thinking the thoughts about you. 416 00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:38,622 - Okay? - Okay. 417 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:40,189 Okay. 418 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,628 Dr. Susan... 419 00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:48,632 is in the house. 420 00:17:48,850 --> 00:17:50,243 She's like... 421 00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,207 All right. 422 00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,865 Oh, wow, there she is. - Huh? 423 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,258 Mrs. Fechko. 424 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,086 God, buddy, you were right. 425 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:08,261 I don't know how I didn't see it before, 426 00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,088 but she's got this, like, raw, 427 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,265 sexual animal magnetism to her. 428 00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:13,744 Go ask her. 429 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,137 About-- About what? 430 00:18:15,355 --> 00:18:16,486 About a friend for me. 431 00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,619 Okay. 432 00:18:23,493 --> 00:18:25,539 Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there. 433 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:28,019 Hi. Mrs. Fechko. 434 00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,282 May I call you Rebecca? 435 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,760 My name is Gert. 436 00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:33,024 Oh, that's-- that's beautiful, as well. 437 00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:36,115 Listen, I have a decent proposal for you. 438 00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:37,594 My friend John and I-- 439 00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,161 The Down syndrome boy? 440 00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:40,467 He doesn't have Down syndrome. 441 00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,295 - Are you sure? - Yes. 442 00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,427 I think he does. 443 00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:50,303 Well, be that as it may, he and I would like to take you 444 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,306 and one of your friends out to a restaurant of your choosing. 445 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,220 Why? 446 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:58,006 I got-- gotta be honest here, I thought you'd just say yes. 447 00:18:58,180 --> 00:18:59,834 Uh, because-- because we have lived 448 00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:02,010 across from you all these years, 449 00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,404 and I gotta believe there's more to Gert Fechko 450 00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:07,320 than just yelling about how we need a stop sign here. 451 00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:10,366 We do! People come zooming by at all hours! 452 00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:12,325 And paranoia about the Chinese. 453 00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,545 They're taking over the town! They even have their own bank! 454 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:16,937 You see, the truth is, 455 00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,940 John could use an old-fashioned lesson 456 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,985 in manners and such. - How come? 457 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,205 Because everyone in your generation is brilliant, 458 00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,338 while everyone today is a dumb piece of shit. 459 00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,818 That's all I wanted to hear. I'll call my friend Mildred. 460 00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:30,604 - Terrific. - Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp. 461 00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:31,866 We'll be there. 462 00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,178 Matty. God damn it! 463 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,396 What's the matter? 464 00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:42,572 I fuckin' sneezed while I was pissing. 465 00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:45,053 Got in my fuckin' eye. 466 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,011 Uh, there's a clean pair of pants 467 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,361 right there in the drawer. 468 00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:49,623 Great. 469 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,669 Hi. 470 00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:54,671 You wanna horse around? 471 00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:55,759 What? 472 00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,370 Johnny's in the front yard. 473 00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:58,762 He can't hear us. 474 00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:00,460 It's day. 475 00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:01,634 Even better, 476 00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:04,332 we can see each other's bodies. 477 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,813 I got piss in my eyes, Susan. 478 00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,467 Oh, I don't mind. 479 00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,383 Let's dance. 480 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,428 - Is that wine? - Yeah. 481 00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,908 I just had a little bit of wine. 482 00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,475 - What are you doing? - ♪ Don't you remember ♪ 483 00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,217 ♪ You told me ♪ ♪ You loved me, baby? ♪ 484 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,435 Susan, stop it. 485 00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:24,005 ♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪ 486 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,136 ♪ Oh, baby ♪ - What are you doing? 487 00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:27,400 For fuck's sake, Susan! 488 00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:28,792 That woman is dead! 489 00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:39,238 ♪ I love you ♪ 490 00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:49,422 First guy I ever loved was a total nothing. 491 00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:53,034 The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. 492 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,079 If there was a bum within a 50-mile radius, 493 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,385 I was completely attracted. 494 00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,213 - Hey. - Hi. 495 00:20:58,387 --> 00:20:59,345 Julia Roberts: That's how I ended up here. 496 00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,564 - You watching this? - Yeah. 497 00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:02,826 Richard Gere: Hmm. 498 00:21:03,044 --> 00:21:04,263 There's-- There's a hockey game. 499 00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:05,612 Watch it upstairs. 500 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:09,529 I-- I can't-- I can't go upstairs. 501 00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:11,835 - Why not? - Nothing. 502 00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:15,186 So, you chose this as your profession. 503 00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:17,580 I worked at a couple fast food places. 504 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,366 Parked cars at wrestling. 505 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,455 What's the story? They married? 506 00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:24,151 No. 507 00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:26,067 She was a hooker and made it sound so great. 508 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,373 She his girlfriend? 509 00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,113 She's a prostitute. 510 00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:30,376 What? 511 00:21:30,593 --> 00:21:31,638 She's a prostitute, 512 00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:33,596 and he's falling in love with her. 513 00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:34,989 It's not like anybody plans this. 514 00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:37,644 It's not your childhood dream. 515 00:21:37,861 --> 00:21:39,602 You should be so much more. 516 00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:41,169 Ain't he worried about the clap? 517 00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:43,302 - No. - Why not? 518 00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:44,912 Because she fuckin' douches a lot. 519 00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:47,218 I don't fuckin' know. I'm trying to watch. 520 00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:48,306 Christ. Okay. 521 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,047 I'm just kickin' the tires. 522 00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:52,006 Don't bite my goddamn head off. 523 00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:54,530 You're a bright, very special woman. 524 00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:56,793 You gonna-- You gonna watch all of those? 525 00:21:57,011 --> 00:22:00,057 Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's what you do after a breakup. 526 00:22:00,275 --> 00:22:03,626 You lay under a blanket and you watch a bunch of chick flicks. 527 00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:08,283 I don't want you to get too excited. 528 00:22:08,457 --> 00:22:09,545 This is only on loan. 529 00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,727 Oh! - Jesus. Asshole. 530 00:22:17,945 --> 00:22:19,381 They're gonna let you borrow this for... 531 00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:22,819 Princess Vivian! 532 00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:23,864 Come down! 533 00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,653 It had to be the top floor, right? 534 00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:31,958 It's the best. 535 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,656 All right, I'm coming up. 536 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:41,838 Oh, wow. She was the pretty woman. 537 00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:50,717 So, Mildred, Teddy has told me so much about you, 538 00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,676 but he neglected to mention your eyes. 539 00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:55,721 They're like nice manhole covers. 540 00:22:55,722 --> 00:22:58,202 Well, I didn't know one of you was a stuffed bear, 541 00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,682 so I guess we're even. 542 00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,118 Welcome to Armand's. 543 00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:02,685 Take your time. 544 00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,034 I'll be back in a bit. 545 00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:06,559 God, there's something extra depressing 546 00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:08,561 about a bald waiter, am I right? 547 00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:09,866 I might request someone else. 548 00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:11,955 I would like to propose a toast. 549 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,696 To budding romance. 550 00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:15,741 - For who? - For you and Teddy. 551 00:23:15,742 --> 00:23:18,092 Yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. 552 00:23:18,309 --> 00:23:19,702 We're playing it cool here, Johnny. 553 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,706 Hmm. So, Mildred, tell me about yourself. 554 00:23:23,924 --> 00:23:25,229 Who is Mildred? 555 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,753 Well, I'm from Connecticut. 556 00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:28,885 Ah. The "Show Me" state. 557 00:23:29,103 --> 00:23:30,103 I'm a widow. 558 00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,367 My Franklin died eight years ago. 559 00:23:32,541 --> 00:23:35,239 Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What from? 560 00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:38,591 Crohn's disease. It's actually named after him. 561 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,637 Well, Mrs. Disease, Ted may just-- 562 00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:43,944 No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn. 563 00:23:44,161 --> 00:23:45,772 Well, Mrs. Crohn, I-- 564 00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:47,774 I know that I can't replace Franklin, 565 00:23:47,991 --> 00:23:50,211 but with time I believe that you'll find me 566 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:51,342 a worthy companion. 567 00:23:52,039 --> 00:23:54,607 Ardent, steadfast 568 00:23:54,824 --> 00:23:57,653 and prepared to lend a strong paternal hand to your... 569 00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,220 Nine sons. 570 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,397 Yes. I am ready to step in as their father. 571 00:24:02,571 --> 00:24:03,920 Uh, what, uh-- 572 00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:06,183 Uh, what about your parents, Mrs. Fechko? 573 00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,403 Most of my father is in a jar. 574 00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:11,014 Mildred, may I just say your brooch is exquisite? 575 00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:12,363 Oh, thank you. 576 00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:13,974 And your locket is divine. 577 00:24:14,191 --> 00:24:16,759 Oh, Franklin brought it back from Morocco. 578 00:24:16,977 --> 00:24:18,892 And your stickpin is resplendent. 579 00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:21,764 Would you excuse me for a second? 580 00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:24,898 Gert, will you join me in the little girls' room? 581 00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:32,775 You think they're spraying their vaginas 582 00:24:32,993 --> 00:24:34,298 with eau de toilette? 583 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:35,647 Yeah, I really don't know 584 00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:37,084 what the fuck is happening anymore. 585 00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:40,870 Shut the door! Shut the door! 586 00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:42,698 Do you see what's going on here? 587 00:24:42,916 --> 00:24:44,178 - What? - They're bandits! 588 00:24:44,395 --> 00:24:46,397 They're trying to steal our jewels! 589 00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:47,963 - You think so? - Yes! 590 00:24:47,964 --> 00:24:50,488 They want to bamboozle us out of our fortunes! 591 00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:52,795 Mine won't quit staring at my amulet! 592 00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:54,318 They're grifters! 593 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,971 Oh, my God! 594 00:24:55,972 --> 00:24:58,105 The one with Down syndrome is the flimflam artist, 595 00:24:58,322 --> 00:25:00,237 and the bear is the bagman. 596 00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:02,588 Thank God all my money's in traveler's checks. 597 00:25:02,805 --> 00:25:04,720 They're probably going from town to town, 598 00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:07,636 pulling this little stunt all across the country. 599 00:25:07,854 --> 00:25:10,030 But they lived across the street from me for 18 years. 600 00:25:10,247 --> 00:25:12,598 Even worse! It's a long con! 601 00:25:12,815 --> 00:25:15,861 Well, then I am not spraying my vagina with eau de toilette. 602 00:25:15,862 --> 00:25:19,039 Oh, no! Let's get out of here! 603 00:25:19,996 --> 00:25:22,825 You fucking thieves! 604 00:25:26,568 --> 00:25:30,006 Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to fuck 'em after they ate. 605 00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:58,121 Patrick Swayze: Tell her it's for luck. 606 00:25:58,339 --> 00:25:59,862 Whoopi Goldberg: Sam says it's for luck. 607 00:26:08,001 --> 00:26:09,393 Matty? 608 00:26:10,743 --> 00:26:11,787 Yeah? 609 00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:15,008 - Are you okay? - Yeah-- 610 00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:17,097 I was just sleeping. 611 00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,881 You just fuckin' woke me up. 612 00:26:19,099 --> 00:26:21,057 Oh, sorry. 613 00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:24,757 Um, yeah, you know what? I'm getting tired, too. 614 00:26:24,974 --> 00:26:26,672 I'm gonna go say good night to Susan and go to bed. 615 00:26:26,889 --> 00:26:28,543 Yeah. Me, too. I'm gonna go to bed as well. 616 00:26:28,717 --> 00:26:30,893 I'm just gonna turn the lights off first. 617 00:27:04,361 --> 00:27:06,189 Aunt Suse? 618 00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,280 - Blaire. - Hi. 619 00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:16,983 Listen, I just wanted to apologize 620 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,420 for being so short with you this afternoon. 621 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,944 No, no, no. It's fine. 622 00:27:22,162 --> 00:27:25,991 I know you're having a sad day, and it's your birthday week, 623 00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:27,689 and I'm so sorry. 624 00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:30,953 Are you still drinking? 625 00:27:31,171 --> 00:27:32,651 Well-- 626 00:27:32,825 --> 00:27:35,566 You know who I read likes to drink now and then? 627 00:27:36,176 --> 00:27:39,353 Me. 628 00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:41,660 I started keeping a diary. 629 00:27:41,834 --> 00:27:44,532 Oh, my God. Okay. 630 00:27:45,489 --> 00:27:46,969 Um-- 631 00:27:48,231 --> 00:27:49,755 Is something going on? 632 00:27:49,972 --> 00:27:50,886 Like what? 633 00:27:51,104 --> 00:27:52,409 I don't know. I-- 634 00:27:52,627 --> 00:27:54,585 Anything you need to talk about? 635 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,676 I mean, I've hardly ever seen you drink wine. 636 00:27:58,807 --> 00:28:01,767 Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. 637 00:28:02,637 --> 00:28:03,638 What do you mean? 638 00:28:03,812 --> 00:28:06,031 When we were younger, 639 00:28:06,032 --> 00:28:08,556 Matty used to share things with me. 640 00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:12,865 Sometimes he'd even tell me how he was feeling. 641 00:28:13,082 --> 00:28:13,996 He did? 642 00:28:14,214 --> 00:28:15,563 Yeah. 643 00:28:16,259 --> 00:28:19,001 And it's been years since he shared anything. 644 00:28:19,915 --> 00:28:22,135 Last night I began to wonder, 645 00:28:23,005 --> 00:28:25,573 is this all there is until the end? 646 00:28:26,052 --> 00:28:27,618 Me sitting alone, 647 00:28:27,793 --> 00:28:31,318 trying to guess if Matty still loves me? 648 00:28:31,535 --> 00:28:33,276 I'm sure he still loves you. 649 00:28:33,494 --> 00:28:36,497 Ah, he never says it to me anymore. 650 00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,717 He never does anything romantic. 651 00:28:40,109 --> 00:28:43,025 Doesn't even put in the effort to smell neutral anymore. 652 00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:45,898 Listen, 653 00:28:46,115 --> 00:28:48,901 I really do wanna talk about this with you, okay? 654 00:28:49,118 --> 00:28:53,253 It-- It's just-- I've had kind of a rough day myself. 655 00:28:53,470 --> 00:28:54,515 I know. 656 00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:56,865 But tomorrow, 657 00:28:57,083 --> 00:29:00,347 what if we did, like, girls' day or something? 658 00:29:00,564 --> 00:29:02,349 I'd love that. 659 00:29:02,566 --> 00:29:07,136 And for now, I'm just gonna put this back in the box. 660 00:29:07,354 --> 00:29:08,485 Okay. - Okay. 661 00:29:08,877 --> 00:29:11,619 I'm gonna ride my bike to Taco Bell. 662 00:29:16,102 --> 00:29:17,059 Patrick Swayze: I love you, Molly. 663 00:29:20,106 --> 00:29:21,585 I've always loved you. 664 00:29:29,115 --> 00:29:29,768 Ditto. 665 00:29:29,985 --> 00:29:30,769 Matty? 666 00:29:35,034 --> 00:29:38,864 Blaire. I was-- I was just looking for hockey. 667 00:29:39,081 --> 00:29:41,127 And, uh, sports and scores. 668 00:29:41,344 --> 00:29:43,782 I wanted-- I wanted hock-- I wanted sports and hockey. 669 00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:45,087 Did you turn Ghost back on? 670 00:29:45,696 --> 00:29:47,786 - No. - You're crying. 671 00:29:48,003 --> 00:29:50,397 - No, I'm not. - You're crying at Ghost. 672 00:29:50,614 --> 00:29:51,615 Fuck off! 673 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:53,095 Matty, it's okay. 674 00:29:53,313 --> 00:29:55,619 I'm not crying! It-- I'm just-- 675 00:29:56,185 --> 00:29:57,534 It's-- It's piss. 676 00:29:57,752 --> 00:29:59,797 It's okay if the story moved you. 677 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,321 That's what it's supposed to do. 678 00:30:01,538 --> 00:30:03,105 I wasn't fuckin' crying! 679 00:30:03,323 --> 00:30:05,151 Okay, why don't you sit down? 680 00:30:05,368 --> 00:30:07,109 I wanna show you something. 681 00:30:11,026 --> 00:30:14,769 God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do. 682 00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:16,291 I wanna know why. 683 00:30:16,292 --> 00:30:19,121 I wanna know why Shelby's life is over. 684 00:30:19,339 --> 00:30:21,167 I wanna know how that baby will ever know 685 00:30:21,384 --> 00:30:23,343 how wonderful his mother was. 686 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,129 Will he ever know what she went through for him? 687 00:30:27,347 --> 00:30:30,176 Oh, God. I wanna know why! 688 00:30:30,393 --> 00:30:31,350 Why? 689 00:30:31,351 --> 00:30:33,179 Goddamn right, why? 690 00:30:33,788 --> 00:30:36,008 Wh-Why did it have to be Shelby, huh? 691 00:30:36,225 --> 00:30:38,227 She-- She had her-- She had her whole life ahead of her! 692 00:30:38,445 --> 00:30:40,186 I know, it's-- it's so sad. 693 00:30:40,403 --> 00:30:43,014 She was such a ray of sunshine! 694 00:30:43,015 --> 00:30:46,322 What's the point of love when it causes so much pain? 695 00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:48,847 She gave so much and asked so little. 696 00:30:49,021 --> 00:30:50,196 Why couldn't it have been Shirley MacLaine 697 00:30:50,413 --> 00:30:51,850 with the diabetes? 698 00:30:52,024 --> 00:30:53,764 It doesn't make any goddamn sense! 699 00:30:53,939 --> 00:30:55,854 - And the baby! - Oh, God! 700 00:30:56,028 --> 00:30:57,419 The baby! 701 00:30:57,420 --> 00:30:59,857 Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen to the fuckin' baby? 702 00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:01,163 He's never gonna know his mother. 703 00:31:01,381 --> 00:31:02,643 I want some fuckin' answers! 704 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,558 I want some fuckin' goddamn answers! 705 00:31:04,775 --> 00:31:06,473 And I want 'em right now! - Matty. 706 00:31:06,690 --> 00:31:08,649 Matty. It's just a movie. 707 00:31:14,698 --> 00:31:16,222 My God. 708 00:31:17,919 --> 00:31:19,442 This is what chick flicks are? 709 00:31:19,660 --> 00:31:23,403 Yes. The whole point is to get you to feel something. 710 00:31:23,620 --> 00:31:25,796 To share an emotive experience through a narrative. 711 00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:27,276 Blaire, 712 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,192 you cannot tell anybody that I fuckin' cried. 713 00:31:30,410 --> 00:31:31,628 I won't. 714 00:31:32,542 --> 00:31:35,806 But there is one person you need to tell. 715 00:31:35,981 --> 00:31:37,678 What? What the fuck you talkin' about? 716 00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,289 Matty, do you see what's happening right now? 717 00:31:40,507 --> 00:31:42,074 Aunt Suse needs to see this. 718 00:31:42,291 --> 00:31:44,119 - Jesus. No way. - Why not? 719 00:31:44,337 --> 00:31:45,468 I don't wanna look like fuckin' Boy George 720 00:31:45,686 --> 00:31:46,642 in front of my wife. 721 00:31:46,643 --> 00:31:48,819 Besides, I think she's drunk. 722 00:31:48,994 --> 00:31:52,475 Uh, yeah, she's been drinking. You know why? 723 00:31:52,693 --> 00:31:55,478 It's because she's starved for any kind of human feeling. 724 00:31:55,696 --> 00:31:58,133 If she saw you like this right now, 725 00:31:58,351 --> 00:32:00,005 she'd love you like the day you married her. 726 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,137 I don't know. 727 00:32:02,355 --> 00:32:04,139 Matty, there's no shame in being vulnerable 728 00:32:04,357 --> 00:32:05,748 with the person that you love. 729 00:32:05,749 --> 00:32:08,535 Sure, maybe you feel a little stupid right now, 730 00:32:08,752 --> 00:32:10,232 but don't you also feel kinda good? 731 00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:13,235 Like, kinda relaxed and free? 732 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,195 I guess so. 733 00:32:17,283 --> 00:32:18,240 Yeah, I do. 734 00:32:18,458 --> 00:32:20,721 Your wife needs you right now. 735 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,288 She needs this, Matty. 736 00:32:23,115 --> 00:32:24,507 I don't know how to do that. 737 00:32:26,509 --> 00:32:28,250 Do you have a ladder? 738 00:32:34,300 --> 00:32:35,649 Susan! Yeah. 739 00:32:35,866 --> 00:32:37,259 Susan! - I know. 740 00:32:37,781 --> 00:32:39,261 Susan! 741 00:32:41,481 --> 00:32:42,917 Matty? 742 00:32:49,576 --> 00:32:50,751 Matty! 743 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:53,493 Princess Susan! I need you! 744 00:32:53,710 --> 00:32:54,973 What are you doing? 745 00:32:55,190 --> 00:32:56,539 I'm comin' up! 746 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:00,979 Are those roses? 747 00:33:01,196 --> 00:33:02,458 I'm on my way. 748 00:33:02,676 --> 00:33:05,287 I'm comin' up, Princess Susan! 749 00:33:05,505 --> 00:33:06,375 I'm comin' up! 750 00:33:11,511 --> 00:33:14,253 Fuck! 751 00:33:14,862 --> 00:33:16,123 Careful. A little more. 752 00:33:16,124 --> 00:33:17,429 Careful. I know. Yep. Easy. 753 00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:18,605 Easy, for fuck's sake. - All right. All right. 754 00:33:18,822 --> 00:33:21,303 - Sorry. God. - Jesus Christ! 755 00:33:21,521 --> 00:33:22,609 Fuck, I need a beer. - Okay. 756 00:33:22,826 --> 00:33:23,784 Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that. 757 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,480 - Yeah. - Thank you, Blaire. 758 00:33:25,481 --> 00:33:28,310 - God Almighty. - All right. Over to the couch. 759 00:33:29,137 --> 00:33:30,704 - Here. - Give me that. 760 00:33:30,921 --> 00:33:34,273 I feel like a jackass, Susan. 761 00:33:35,622 --> 00:33:37,145 I just-- I just wanted to make you feel 762 00:33:37,363 --> 00:33:38,581 like a special prostitute. 763 00:33:38,799 --> 00:33:41,323 Oh, Matty! 764 00:33:41,541 --> 00:33:43,847 I do feel like one. 765 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,416 That was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture 766 00:33:47,634 --> 00:33:50,245 I've ever seen in my life. 767 00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:51,637 This-- This is what happens 768 00:33:51,638 --> 00:33:53,379 when you show your fuckin' feelings. 769 00:33:53,596 --> 00:33:54,944 Well, 770 00:33:54,945 --> 00:33:56,817 you don't ever have to show your feelings again 771 00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:58,340 if you don't wanna. 772 00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,343 'Cause now I know how much you love me. 773 00:34:06,435 --> 00:34:08,350 I love you, Matty. 774 00:34:09,395 --> 00:34:10,613 Ditto. 775 00:34:23,452 --> 00:34:26,064 Sounds like we all had a shitty week, huh? 776 00:34:26,238 --> 00:34:27,543 Yeah. 777 00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,676 Hey, Blaire, I'm really sorry about Sarah. 778 00:34:30,111 --> 00:34:31,156 Me, too. 779 00:34:31,373 --> 00:34:32,895 But, hey, look on the bright side. 780 00:34:32,896 --> 00:34:35,073 Now you got more time to get stoned with me and Teddy. 781 00:34:35,464 --> 00:34:39,077 I mean, I guess if Sarah hadn't broken up with me, 782 00:34:39,251 --> 00:34:40,643 Matty never would have opened up to Susan 783 00:34:40,861 --> 00:34:43,037 and she'd still be drinking wine in bed, 784 00:34:43,211 --> 00:34:45,909 so, yeah, maybe it was all worth it. 785 00:34:46,606 --> 00:34:50,175 Susan is the kindest, most selfless person alive. 786 00:34:50,392 --> 00:34:51,872 And she deserves to be happy. 787 00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:53,395 Yeah, but you'd still have a girlfriend 788 00:34:53,613 --> 00:34:55,397 if you'd just given me and Johnny those beers. 789 00:34:55,615 --> 00:34:56,571 That's also true. 790 00:34:56,572 --> 00:34:58,096 I mean, if you got us, like, 791 00:34:58,313 --> 00:35:00,010 a bunch more beer, who knows? 792 00:35:00,185 --> 00:35:01,447 Maybe it'll cause a chain of events 793 00:35:01,664 --> 00:35:03,405 that'll lead to Sarah taking you back. 794 00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:04,927 Fair enough. 795 00:35:04,928 --> 00:35:08,106 It didn't. It didn't help anything. 796 00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,107 Mildred, I love you! 797 00:35:16,897 --> 00:35:21,248 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 798 00:35:21,249 --> 00:35:24,426 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 799 00:35:25,862 --> 00:35:29,735 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 800 00:35:29,736 --> 00:35:32,346 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 801 00:35:32,347 --> 00:35:35,133 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 802 00:35:35,829 --> 00:35:38,440 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 803 00:35:39,267 --> 00:35:41,138 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 804 00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:43,837 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 805 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:47,449 ♪ Best friend is me ♪