["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" By Norah Jones playing]
♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪
♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
[♪♪♪]
-Oh, yeah. And when Ice Cube punches Deebo.
And then Smokey says, "You got knocked the fuck out, man."
-No, no, no, no. Actually, it was more like,
"You got knocked the fuck out, man!"
-Oh, yeah. No, it's more like,
"You got knocked the fuck out, man!
-The mid '90s truly are the golden age of comedy.
-Yeah. Black people are so cool.
-Hey! Watch it.
-Sorry dinner's so late.
We ran out of ketchup,
so I had to go to six different neighbors
before I finally found enough to cover the meatloaf.
-Meatloaf again?
-We just had meatloaf two days ago.
-I wouldn't do this,
but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now.
-I'm sorry. I thought you liked my meatloaf.
-Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Susan makes dinner for four people
and a bear every night,
and you never even say thank you.
You just sit there and complain.
Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her.
-It's okay, Blaire.
Everyone should have what they like.
What do you want instead?
-Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner?
-No fuckin' way.
-Aw. -Why not?
-Eatin' eggs after noon is gay.
-What the fuck are you talking about?
-Think about it.
The gays are up all night
doin' stuff to each other,
and they miss breakfast.
So they invent brunch.
They meet up around 11,
they have their fruity little drinks,
they talk about hairstyles
and lotions and whatever the fuck.
And by the time they start eatin' their breakfast,
it's after noon.
-That's actually a solid theory.
-Yeah, I got no notes.
-So the exact cutoff time
for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.?
Is that the theory? -Yes.
-Oh, that's why McDonald's
stops serving breakfast at 11.
-Right. They don't want guys banging
each other in the bathroom.
-Pretty sure that happens anyway.
-Oh, dear. -What?
-I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure.
-No, no, no. Eggs in stuff is okay,
but on their own, gay.
-I don't want to take any chances.
Johnny's at a very impressionable age.
-Hey, Dad, what happens
if you accidentally eat an egg after noon?
-You gotta chase it with a straight food.
-Like what? -Stew.
-Oh, my God,
I ate an egg the night I decided I liked girls.
-See? -But I only ate half.
-That's why I go both ways. -Right there.
-They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough.
-Hey, it's not your fault, Blaire.
[♪♪♪]
-Teddy, look, it's Sheila Borgwardt.
Fuck! She's got to be the hottest drug dealer
on the planet.
Hey, you know, I just realized something.
-What? -I ain't seen her
since I turned 18.
I'm an adult now.
And adults buy drugs.
-That is the main thing they do. Yes.
-I, John Bennett,
am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwardt.
How do I look? -Doesn't matter.
-Hey, Sheila.
-Hey. -I'm John... Bennett.
We, uh, we met last year, remember?
-Um, possibly.
My, uh... my diarrhea is gone.
-Oh. -Yeah.
It's all normal now.
I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever,
and something will happen
but for the most part, I've been solid.
-Sheila. Hi, Ted. We've also met.
Listen, John here has recently become a man.
Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way.
And he would like to purchase some marijuana from you.
-Uh... sure.
How much you want?
-Holy shit. Really? -[Velcro rips]
Oh, man. Being an adult rocks.
I got birthday money from Nana and Pop-Pop.
And I want to spend it all. $200.
-Two hundred? -Yeah.
-Okay.
[zipper buzzing]
Here's a quarter pound. Thank you.
-Holy shit.
That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed.
That is fuckin' beautiful.
Sheila...
thanks for being my first time.
-Please don't say that.
-I don't know why I lied to you. I have had diarrhea.
-Okay.
-And within the hour.
-Enjoy your buzz.
[engine starts]
-You will never not be a virgin.
[coughing]
-I don't, I don't ever think
I've been this high before.
Do I have human feet right now?
I feel like I have human feet.
-Oh, no.
What do human feet feel like?
-Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask someone.
[horn honks]
-Hey, boys.
-Mom, what are you doing here?
-Show me your feet.
-It's such a beautiful day.
I thought instead of you kids taking the bus,
we could go to the mall and I could get you
some graduation underwear.
-[chuckling] Underwear? It goes over your butt.
-And maybe afterward, we can go to Sears
and get our portraits made.
-Show me your fuckin' feet!
[♪♪♪]
-So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind
of underwear you should get.
And I believe a boy's underwear should match his father's.
But then I prayed about it.
And if you want to try something different,
I think it'd be okay.
-Fuck, you're so soft.
Have you always been this soft?
-Yeah. I'm a fuckin' teddy bear, dude.
Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear.
-[siren wailing] -What was that?
Oh, my God! Are we on fire?
-Uh, it's okay, boys. It's just a policeman.
-Fuck! We got all this weed.
-Maybe he's not a cop. Maybe he's a stripper.
-Oh, yeah.
'Cause sometimes they dress up like cops.
-If he says you have the right to remain sexy,
we're in the clear.
[suspenseful music playing]
[siren wailing]
[officer clears throat]
[car door slams shut]
-Good afternoon, ma'am.
Can I see your license and registration?
-Touch his dick and see how he reacts.
-Oh, of course.
Is something wrong, officer?
-You're aware that your left brake light's out?
-Oh, dear. [chuckles]
My husband usually takes care of these things,
but he's been having solid urines.
-Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us.
-Excuse me? -Yeah, I know our rights.
And you ain't got no right to search this car
or this pocket of this backpack without a warrant.
-Well, that's not at all suspicious.
-Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you
pullin' over a law-abiding family
on their way to buy clean underwear
with absolutely no drugs of any kind anywhere
in the car or on their persons.
-Okay, everyone step out of the car.
-Fuck.
[indistinct police radio chatter]
-Mom, I gotta tell you something.
-What is it, honey?
-I'm holding.
-Oh. Well, try to hold it as long as you can.
And then I can take you to the ladies' room
when we get to the mall
so you can do your doo-doos.
-No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack.
I bought it after school.
-What? -I know,
I know, I'm stupid, and-and I'm sorry.
-Oh, Johnny...
you're 18 now.
You could get the chair.
-What do we have here?
Whose is this?
-It's... -Mine.
It's mine.
John and Ted: What? -Yours?
-I am hooked on the junk, officer!
-Mom, what are you doing?
-I eat it and I shoot it,
and I take it in all the ways.
And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned.
-Fuckin' hippies.
-[door slams shut] -Turn around.
-Hey, I know her rights!
-Oh, yeah? What are they?
-Aw, fuck.
[handcuffs clicking]
[indistinct radio chatter]
-Boys, there's some emergency ziti in the freezer,
and a Stouffer's in the basement.
-Watch your head.
-[car door closes] -[engine starts]
[siren chirps]
-He took Mom. -He took our weed!
A-and he-- And he took Susan as well. Oh!
-[crowd cheering] -commentator: Oh, no!
-You can't do that to Bret Hart,
you big, fat foreigner! -[door opens]
Where the hell have you been? Where's your mother?
-Matty...
-[bottle thuds] -...let's talk.
Matty: What the fuck?!
-Run, Johnny! Stay alive!
No matter what happens, I will find you.
-Get the fuck back here!
-Oh, jeez. [exclaims]
-[Matty grunts] -[Ted exclaims]
-Ah, fuck! -[John groans]
-Stupid fucking moron! Bastards! -[both groaning]
-Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is going on here?
-These two dumbshits got caught with drugs
and let Susan get arrested for it!
-What?
Is that true? both: Yeah.
-Stupid fuckin' morons! -[both grunting]
Blaire: Bastards!
[♪♪♪]
-I'll be right back.
You stay here and write your confession, dipshit.
-I can't do it. -Why not?
-I'm scared, Blaire. I can't go to jail.
-Oh, but you're perfectly fine
with your mother going in your place?
I swear to God, this is exactly
what I was talking about last night
on fucking steroids.
Susan does everything for this family,
and nobody ever does shit for her.
-Well, look at this face, Blaire.
Look at his mouth. It's so youthful.
If he goes to prison, it's gonna be filled with dicks.
And how does a mouth full of dicks help Susan?
-Oh, fuck you guys.
[door opens, closes]
-A mouth full of dicks?
-I was exaggerating for effect.
It'll probably just be one or two dicks...
but they'll be big ones, Johnny.
Yes, they will.
[♪♪♪]
[keys jingling]
[♪♪♪]
-Hey. How you doin'?
-Oh. I'm fine, Matty.
Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti?
-Don't you fuckin' worry.
Johnny's gonna confess, and you'll be home by tonight.
-No, Matty, don't make him do that.
It was my choice.
-What?
-Johnny's 18 now.
He's just startin' his life.
This could ruin his future.
It could keep him from going to college.
It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang.
-But they were his drugs.
He's gotta learn responsibility.
-Not like this.
Promise me you won't make him.
-Susan.
Fine.
-Besides, it's my first offense.
I'm sure they'll go easy on me.
-I sentence you to 20 years in state prison.
[gavel bangs]
Next case.
Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett.
Possession of marijuana.
-Dun-dun! -Stop doing that.
-It's a courtroom, Blaire, I have to.
It's the law. And order.
Dun-dun!
Ow, fuck!
[softly] Dun-dun.
judge: Mrs. Bennett, you're charged
with possession of marijuana.
How do you plead?
-I cannot lie, Your Honor,
I plead... guilty.
-Well, thank you for your honesty.
Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady,
I'm going to be lenient.
I sentence you to ten days in the county jail.
-Ten days? -What the fuck?
-Jesus Christ! judge: Court is adjourned.
[gavel bangs]
-Dun-dun!
-Ah, I like you!
[♪♪♪]
[inmates chattering]
[buzzer buzzes]
[gate clanging]
[♪♪♪]
-Who the fuck are you?
-Hi. I'm Susan Bennett.
I'm your new roommate.
This is a nice place you have here.
What's your name?
-Bitch Killer.
-Oh, well. Rhymes with Mitch Miller.
-The fuck? Why are you here?
-Oh, I-I did a very bad thing.
-Did you kill a bitch or somethin'?
-Marriage-wana. -No shit.
-Oh, no. None at all.
Why are you here?
-'Cause the fuckin' system's corrupt.
I ain't do shit. I'm innocent.
-Oh, no.
Have you said anything to anyone?
We should let 'em know.
Guard, this woman's innocent.
-Shut the fuck up... -Guard!
-...and mind your own business.
We ain't friends.
-We aren't friends.
But I bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be.
-Are you threatening me? [chuckles]
I am Cornholio.
-Come on, Beavis, take your seat.
-What the fuck is goin' on in here?
-We're just watchin' TV.
-You two ain't watching shit.
If your mother's in jail, you're in jail.
-What does that mean? -It means
you guys are gonna clean the goddamn house.
You're gonna do the laundry, you're gonna do
the fucking dishes, and you're gonna cook all the meals.
So get ready for fuckin' hell.
-Isn't that just Susan's daily routine?
-You're goddamn right it is.
And that's their punishment. So get started.
-Okay.
Okay. We got this.
-It's housekeeping. How hard can it be?
-Yeah. Yeah, even the name sounds like a game.
Housekeepin'. -[chuckles]
You idiots have no idea what you're talking about.
-Oh, yeah? Watch this.
See that? I just kept house.
I'm a housekeeper.
-Yeah, and look at me.
I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker.
-You know what? I stand corrected.
You guys got this.
Good luck.
-All right, I'm gonna dust you, then you dust me.
-Right.
[♪♪♪]
[inmates chattering]
-May I join you ladies?
I'm Susan. I'm bunking with Miss Killer.
What are your names?
-Eat a cock.
-How about you?
-I'm FedEx.
That's Sixty-Nine. That's Gungina.
-Men die if they get in my crosshairs.
-Oh, these are such interesting names.
Why do they call you FedEx?
-'Cause I can get you anything within 24 hours.
-Oh.
-As long as it fits up my ass.
-Oh.
What are you ladies talking about?
-The fuckin' food here.
I wouldn't feed this shit to my fuckin' dog.
-I knew a dog once that liked soup.
Isn't that silly? [laughs]
He belonged to our nextdoor neighbors,
and he was such a sweet, sweet boy.
But then he attacked a toddler,
and they had to put a muzzle on him.
But then he chewed through that muzzle
and attacked another toddler.
And then the church had to move him to another area.
Oh, no, wait, that was Father O'Brien.
Sixty-Nine. What does that name mean?
-Listen, ho, if you talk too much around here, you get cut.
So if I were you, I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth.
[♪♪♪]
-I don't understand.
All this shit, and somehow all we made
was one boiled egg.
I don't even know if it's any good.
-Wait. It's after noon. That's a gay egg.
[spits]
-Shit.
Now I'm thinkin' about John Stamos pushin'
a lawn mower shirtless.
Matty: What the fuck are you idiots doing in there?
Where's dinner? -It's almost ready.
Okay, we gotta think of something.
Mom normally goes to the store on Saturday,
so there ain't much here.
-Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims,
white bread, shredded cheese,
and a shit ton of condiments.
-I got an idea.
Okay.
Gourmet hot dogs.
-What the hell is this?
-What do you mean? It's dinner.
-This pile of shit is dinner?
-We call it the frankfurther.
We've taken the hot dog into the radical '90s.
both: Whoa!
-Surf's up.
-What? I ain't eatin' that shit.
-Unbelievable.
We slave away in there,
we make you a delicious meal,
we drop it on the floor, pick it up, and rinse it off,
and this is the thanks we get.
-You know, I knew you two would fuck this up.
Fuck it.
I'll go to the grocery store, and I'll do it myself.
Can I get some goddamn help here?
Where's the fuckin' dinner aisle?
This box has a picture of what I want.
[♪♪♪]
inmate: Hey, hey, hey!
-Ah, fuck!
Bitch Killer: This is fucking bullshit!
-What's goin' on? -Surprise inspection.
-Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess.
I'm gonna get written up again
and lose my watercolor privileges.
-Bitch Killer, get in here!
-Shit! -[inmates chatter]
-This is the cleanest bunk I have ever seen.
-What the fuck?
-What's that smell?
-It's potpourri.
I made it with the dried flowers from the memorial
for that lady who was stabbed in the shower the other day.
-Well, it's lovely.
Congratulations, Bitch Killer.
You passed inspection for once.
But I got my eye on you.
-You did this?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-Oh, I'm so used to picking up Johnny's room.
It was easy.
Also...
I made you some slippers out of maxi pads.
-How'd you know my size?
-The slippers or the maxi pads?
-Good lookin' out.
-Oh, I don't know what that means.
announcer [on TV]: The Family Feud!
-[audience cheering] -[dryer buzzes]
-Teddy, dryer's done.
announcer: Richard Dawson!
[cheering continues]
-Teddy?
[Ted grunting]
-[gasps] Jesus Christ!
-Teddy, what happened?
-Next time you start that thing,
fuckin' knock first.
-Hey, what the fuck is goin' on
with the laundry, huh?
Everything I own is too small,
and I can't find my underwear.
-Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out.
-What? Why?
-'Cause they were covered in skid marks.
-Well, I-I can't go to work without any underwear on.
The guys will bust my fuckin' chops all day.
-How, how will they know you're not wearin' underwear?
-Don't play dumb.
-Well, what do you want us to do?
-Go dig 'em out of the fuckin' trash
and put some Wite-Out on 'em.
Go! -Goddammit!
-We're on it. We're fuckin' goin'!
[♪♪♪]
-Hello, ladies.
-What the fuck you doin' back there?
-Well, you were saying you didn't like the food.
So I talked to the warden,
I made a few suggestions,
and she put me in charge of the kitchen.
-Is that meatloaf?
-Yeah. Would you like to try it?
-Oh, my God, that's fuckin' great.
It reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf.
-I used pigeon eggs... and some pigeon,
but I think it turned out okay.
-Hey.
-The fuck you want, Half Foot?
-Half Foot? What a cute name.
Is it because you're short?
-Not that it's any of your fucking business,
but yeah.
And also because I lost half my foot
in a shovel fight.
-Oh, dear.
Well, at least you don't have to trim your toenails.
It's not that half of the foot.
-Oh.
-I was kitchen bitch until yesterday.
You stole my fuckin' job.
They put me down in the motherfuckin' laundry.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean to take anyone's job.
I was just trying to make the food better.
-Oh, so my food was shit? Is that what you're saying?
You're dead meat.
Susan: Sixty-Nine?
I could use a hug right now.
[♪♪♪]
-Why the fuck do I got to know how to read?
My mom couldn't read,
and she made bank from giving head.
-Aww, reading's wonderful for your head.
And it's not hard to learn at all.
Now, I borrowed this from the jail library.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
You think you've been naughty?
Wait till you see what he gets up to.
-The fuck is all this shit?
-Oh, hi, Half Foot.
I was just teaching Gungina how to read.
Would you like me to teach you how to read too?
-What? First you steal my fuckin' job,
now you calling me fuckin' illiterate?
How would you like half a foot in your ass?
-Is there a problem here?
-No. No problem.
I'll be seeing you, Susan.
-Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh! Excuse me, guard?
-What?
-What are the plans for Easter?
-Easter? -Well, it's this Sunday.
I imagine the warden's providing the baskets,
but who do I talk to about getting 700 colored eggs?
-This is jail. There ain't no plans for Easter.
-But it's Jesus' big day.
How will he know we care if we don't hide eggs?
-Not my problem.
-Oh, Gungina, that's not what those holes are for.
[♪♪♪]
-Goddamn. How'd this happen so fast?
-Dude, this is, uh... Do you use this sock for, uh...
-Lovemakin'. Yes. -Yeah.
-Yeah, it usually gets washed before it gets like that.
[shatters]
-Well, guess we should change the sheets.
-Yeah.
[creaking]
[shatters]
-Anything else covered in dried cum
that I should know about?
[♪♪♪]
-So I said, "Oh, yeah, motherfucker?"
and I cut half his dick off.
-Oh. -Which half?
-The left half.
[all laughing]
-What are you laughin' at?
Is it me?
Is it my body? Are you laughin' at my body?
-Chill out, cracker. This ain't got nothin' to do with you.
-What did you just call me, inmate?
You lookin' for trouble, Bitch Killer?
-Excuse me. Can I say something?
I don't think you ladies understand just how difficult
a job Mrs. Guard has.
-Are you takin' her fuckin' side?
-Well, I saw on 60 Minutes that prison guards have
a very, very hard job.
They put their lives at risk every day.
They only make about $24,000 a year.
Plus, they have to buy their own gun,
which many of them use to kill themselves.
-Or our spouses.
-They're real people, just like us.
-Thank you, Susan.
That means a lot.
-And I think you have a wonderful body.
-I need to go call my mother.
[ominous music playing]
Kitt: Michael, are you sure you know what you're doing?
[♪♪♪]
[tires screeching]
[bees buzzing]
-Is that your wedding tux?
-It's the only thing that's clean.
-[squishes] John: Aah.
Ah, what is that a puddle of?
-You don't wanna know. Ted: Heads up.
I'm gonna send down the trash.
[clattering]
[sighs]
-Boys...
back in 'Nam, we learned
when it's time to abandon your post.
That time is now.
Hey, hey, hey, not that way.
Jesus Christ, don't go near the fuckin' bees' nest.
-Well, how are we supposed to get out?
There's a beaver dam blocking the kitchen door.
[glass shatters]
[Matty breathing heavily]
[♪♪♪]
-Yo, what the fuck you doin' in my cell, bitch?
-Oh, hi, Half Foot.
-You just ran out of fuckin' time.
-Happy Easter.
-What? -Easter is all about
second chances.
Jesus got a second chance.
I think our friendship deserves one too.
-Fruit By the Foot?
-Now you can have all the feet you could ever want.
-Thanks.
Bitch Killer: Susan.
You got us all Easter baskets?
-Oh, it was nothing.
And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help.
-I got Peeps. Real Peeps.
-And a Cadbury Creme Egg!
-Mine's empty. -Don't you worry.
The candy's on its way.
It's shipped but not delivered.
[exhales]
-Let's eat.
-[cheering] -♪ What if God was one of us ♪
[inaudible dialogue]
♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪
♪ Just a stranger on the bus ♪
[bats squeaking]
-Faster with that Wite-Out! Come on! Move!
-You're shittin' faster than we can paint.
-Jesus.
Mom's job is really fuckin' hard.
Blaire: Yeah. No shit.
It's about time you ingrates figured that out.
-Sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow
to the house looking like this.
She deserves more.
-Yeah. She does.
-Hey, Blaire.
If we promise to do better, will you help us put
the house back together for Mom?
-Are you asking me because I'm a woman?
-No, I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here.
-Fine. Yeah, I'll do it.
For Susan.
-Thanks, Blaire.
-Grab a brush. We're paintin' undies.
[gags, coughs]
[♪♪♪]
-Gonna miss you, Susan.
-Aw. I'm gonna miss you all so much.
-It ain't gonna be the same in here without you.
-My ass is full but so is my heart.
-Thanks for teaching me to read.
From now on, my name is Bookgina.
-And I'ma keep watering my foot, just like you said.
I know it'll grow back one day.
Susan: Ah, Bitch Killer.
Thank you for being the best roommate
a girl could ever ask for.
-No, Susan, thank you.
Uh, I got one more surprise for you.
-What is it? [chuckles]
[gasps] Oh, dear.
-I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink.
-It's so... big.
-She did it when we still hated you.
Four bitches held me down in the shower.
It's funny how things work out.
-God always has a plan.
Goodbye, girls.
[emotional music playing]
[♪♪♪]
John: Okay.
That's a lot better. -Yeah.
[door opens]
Mom! -Oh, my God!
-Hey, hey!
-Oh, we missed you. We missed you so much.
-Did they give you back the weed?
-Oh. Oh, my goodness.
Did you have a party?
This place is a mess.
There. -Mom, we did our best,
but we had no idea how hard your job is.
-Yeah, we took you for granted,
and we promise it'll never happen again.
-That's right. You can make us meatloaf anytime you want.
We won't say shit. -Yeah, anytime you wanna
make meatloaf is good with us.
-Even tonight would be okay. -Let's have it tonight.
-Hurry. -Now!
-Jesus, she just walked in the fuckin' door.
-It's okay, Blaire.
I'd love to make my family some meatloaf.
[sighs]
[clattering]
-Uh, hey, Mom.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything.
And thank you.
I almost ruined my life, and you saved me.
-Oh, Johnny.
That's what growin' up's all about.
Makin' mistakes and lettin' your mother fix it all.
-Well, that was our last one. No more mistakes for us.
-You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside,
I learned that everybody needs somebody to look out for them.
I'm your mother.
You don't have to thank me
or appreciate me or even notice me.
I'll always be right here.
Always.
I'm gonna die here, Johnny.
Right here.
-Good.
-Why isn't it ready?
[♪♪♪]
["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing]
♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪
♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
♪ But you just don't care ♪
♪ 'Cause your ♪
♪ Best friend is me ♪
[♪♪♪]