1 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,551 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" By Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,599 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:19,853 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:23,523 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,984 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,072 [♪♪♪] 7 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,117 -Oh, yeah. And when Ice Cube punches Deebo. 8 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,911 And then Smokey says, "You got knocked the fuck out, man." 9 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,121 -No, no, no, no. Actually, it was more like, 10 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,081 "You got knocked the fuck out, man!" 11 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,374 -Oh, yeah. No, it's more like, 12 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:43,251 "You got knocked the fuck out, man! 13 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,379 -The mid '90s truly are the golden age of comedy. 14 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,715 -Yeah. Black people are so cool. 15 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,133 -Hey! Watch it. 16 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,260 -Sorry dinner's so late. 17 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,387 We ran out of ketchup, 18 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:57,098 so I had to go to six different neighbors 19 00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,310 before I finally found enough to cover the meatloaf. 20 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:01,436 -Meatloaf again? 21 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,229 -We just had meatloaf two days ago. 22 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,522 -I wouldn't do this, 23 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,274 but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now. 24 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,235 -I'm sorry. I thought you liked my meatloaf. 25 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,946 -Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you guys? 26 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,740 Susan makes dinner for four people 27 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,116 and a bear every night, 28 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,659 and you never even say thank you. 29 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,787 You just sit there and complain. 30 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:21,289 Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her. 31 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,957 -It's okay, Blaire. 32 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:25,210 Everyone should have what they like. 33 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:26,836 What do you want instead? 34 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,171 -Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner? 35 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,506 -No fuckin' way. 36 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,590 -Aw. -Why not? 37 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,300 -Eatin' eggs after noon is gay. 38 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,344 -What the fuck are you talking about? 39 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,261 -Think about it. 40 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,596 The gays are up all night 41 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,597 doin' stuff to each other, 42 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,598 and they miss breakfast. 43 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,183 So they invent brunch. 44 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,559 They meet up around 11, 45 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,936 they have their fruity little drinks, 46 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,270 they talk about hairstyles 47 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,689 and lotions and whatever the fuck. 48 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,524 And by the time they start eatin' their breakfast, 49 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,817 it's after noon. 50 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,193 -That's actually a solid theory. 51 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,319 -Yeah, I got no notes. 52 00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,946 -So the exact cutoff time 53 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,323 for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.? 54 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,950 Is that the theory? -Yes. 55 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,118 -Oh, that's why McDonald's 56 00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,452 stops serving breakfast at 11. 57 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:00,829 -Right. They don't want guys banging 58 00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:02,038 each other in the bathroom. 59 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,498 -Pretty sure that happens anyway. 60 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,125 -Oh, dear. -What? 61 00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:07,961 -I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure. 62 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,380 -No, no, no. Eggs in stuff is okay, 63 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,132 but on their own, gay. 64 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,634 -I don't want to take any chances. 65 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,470 Johnny's at a very impressionable age. 66 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,972 -Hey, Dad, what happens 67 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,016 if you accidentally eat an egg after noon? 68 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,642 -You gotta chase it with a straight food. 69 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,644 -Like what? -Stew. 70 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:25,603 -Oh, my God, 71 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:28,648 I ate an egg the night I decided I liked girls. 72 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,109 -See? -But I only ate half. 73 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,778 -That's why I go both ways. -Right there. 74 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,406 -They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough. 75 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200 -Hey, it's not your fault, Blaire. 76 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,914 [♪♪♪] 77 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,844 -Teddy, look, it's Sheila Borgwardt. 78 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,679 Fuck! She's got to be the hottest drug dealer 79 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,097 on the planet. 80 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,224 Hey, you know, I just realized something. 81 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,601 -What? -I ain't seen her 82 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,061 since I turned 18. 83 00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,103 I'm an adult now. 84 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,855 And adults buy drugs. 85 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,857 -That is the main thing they do. Yes. 86 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,776 -I, John Bennett, 87 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,236 am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwardt. 88 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,280 How do I look? -Doesn't matter. 89 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,242 -Hey, Sheila. 90 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,829 -Hey. -I'm John... Bennett. 91 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,415 We, uh, we met last year, remember? 92 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:29,125 -Um, possibly. 93 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,421 My, uh... my diarrhea is gone. 94 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,715 -Oh. -Yeah. 95 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,133 It's all normal now. 96 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,594 I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever, 97 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,679 and something will happen 98 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,597 but for the most part, I've been solid. 99 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:45,934 -Sheila. Hi, Ted. We've also met. 100 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,436 Listen, John here has recently become a man. 101 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:52,482 Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way. 102 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,859 And he would like to purchase some marijuana from you. 103 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,904 -Uh... sure. 104 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:58,947 How much you want? 105 00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,740 -Holy shit. Really? -[Velcro rips] 106 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,659 Oh, man. Being an adult rocks. 107 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,828 I got birthday money from Nana and Pop-Pop. 108 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:07,080 And I want to spend it all. $200. 109 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,873 -Two hundred? -Yeah. 110 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,458 -Okay. 111 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,127 [zipper buzzing] 112 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,010 Here's a quarter pound. Thank you. 113 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,678 -Holy shit. 114 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,682 That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed. 115 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,183 That is fuckin' beautiful. 116 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,143 Sheila... 117 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,353 thanks for being my first time. 118 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:31,813 -Please don't say that. 119 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,650 -I don't know why I lied to you. I have had diarrhea. 120 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,110 -Okay. 121 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,528 -And within the hour. 122 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:40,363 -Enjoy your buzz. 123 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,531 [engine starts] 124 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,704 -You will never not be a virgin. 125 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,665 [coughing] 126 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,209 -I don't, I don't ever think 127 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,503 I've been this high before. 128 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,380 Do I have human feet right now? 129 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,549 I feel like I have human feet. 130 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,301 -Oh, no. 131 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,594 What do human feet feel like? 132 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,804 -Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask someone. 133 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,139 [horn honks] 134 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,349 -Hey, boys. 135 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,893 -Mom, what are you doing here? 136 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:10,977 -Show me your feet. 137 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,729 -It's such a beautiful day. 138 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,357 I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, 139 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,359 we could go to the mall and I could get you 140 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,986 some graduation underwear. 141 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:23,156 -[chuckling] Underwear? It goes over your butt. 142 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,825 -And maybe afterward, we can go to Sears 143 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,702 and get our portraits made. 144 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,579 -Show me your fuckin' feet! 145 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,624 [♪♪♪] 146 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,169 -So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind 147 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,837 of underwear you should get. 148 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,299 And I believe a boy's underwear should match his father's. 149 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,426 But then I prayed about it. 150 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,720 And if you want to try something different, 151 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,555 I think it'd be okay. 152 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:50,767 -Fuck, you're so soft. 153 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,561 Have you always been this soft? 154 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,814 -Yeah. I'm a fuckin' teddy bear, dude. 155 00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:00,068 Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear. 156 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,444 -[siren wailing] -What was that? 157 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,030 Oh, my God! Are we on fire? 158 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:08,243 -Uh, it's okay, boys. It's just a policeman. 159 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,869 -Fuck! We got all this weed. 160 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,038 -Maybe he's not a cop. Maybe he's a stripper. 161 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,540 -Oh, yeah. 162 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,250 'Cause sometimes they dress up like cops. 163 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,419 -If he says you have the right to remain sexy, 164 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,878 we're in the clear. 165 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,089 [suspenseful music playing] 166 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,468 [siren wailing] 167 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,266 [officer clears throat] 168 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,101 [car door slams shut] 169 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,272 -Good afternoon, ma'am. 170 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,399 Can I see your license and registration? 171 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,317 -Touch his dick and see how he reacts. 172 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,527 -Oh, of course. 173 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,071 Is something wrong, officer? 174 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,823 -You're aware that your left brake light's out? 175 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:49,242 -Oh, dear. [chuckles] 176 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:52,120 My husband usually takes care of these things, 177 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,664 but he's been having solid urines. 178 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,958 -Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. 179 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,419 -Excuse me? -Yeah, I know our rights. 180 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,338 And you ain't got no right to search this car 181 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,132 or this pocket of this backpack without a warrant. 182 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,717 -Well, that's not at all suspicious. 183 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,844 -Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you 184 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,763 pullin' over a law-abiding family 185 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,514 on their way to buy clean underwear 186 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,600 with absolutely no drugs of any kind anywhere 187 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,268 in the car or on their persons. 188 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,978 -Okay, everyone step out of the car. 189 00:07:17,645 --> 00:07:18,897 -Fuck. 190 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,319 [indistinct police radio chatter] 191 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,657 -Mom, I gotta tell you something. 192 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,284 -What is it, honey? 193 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,327 -I'm holding. 194 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,955 -Oh. Well, try to hold it as long as you can. 195 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,665 And then I can take you to the ladies' room 196 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:38,667 when we get to the mall 197 00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,502 so you can do your doo-doos. 198 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,545 -No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack. 199 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,005 I bought it after school. 200 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,132 -What? -I know, 201 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,510 I know, I'm stupid, and-and I'm sorry. 202 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,179 -Oh, Johnny... 203 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,515 you're 18 now. 204 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,017 You could get the chair. 205 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,560 -What do we have here? 206 00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,521 Whose is this? 207 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,357 -It's... -Mine. 208 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,484 It's mine. 209 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:05,860 John and Ted: What? -Yours? 210 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,196 -I am hooked on the junk, officer! 211 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,155 -Mom, what are you doing? 212 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,200 -I eat it and I shoot it, 213 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,577 and I take it in all the ways. 214 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:18,039 And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned. 215 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,624 -Fuckin' hippies. 216 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,543 -[door slams shut] -Turn around. 217 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,422 -Hey, I know her rights! 218 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,840 -Oh, yeah? What are they? 219 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,008 -Aw, fuck. 220 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,384 [handcuffs clicking] 221 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,554 [indistinct radio chatter] 222 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,099 -Boys, there's some emergency ziti in the freezer, 223 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,851 and a Stouffer's in the basement. 224 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:38,810 -Watch your head. 225 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,816 -[car door closes] -[engine starts] 226 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:47,736 [siren chirps] 227 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,826 -He took Mom. -He took our weed! 228 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,413 A-and he-- And he took Susan as well. Oh! 229 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,832 -[crowd cheering] -commentator: Oh, no! 230 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,710 -You can't do that to Bret Hart, 231 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,253 you big, fat foreigner! -[door opens] 232 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,760 Where the hell have you been? Where's your mother? 233 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,761 -Matty... 234 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,972 -[bottle thuds] -...let's talk. 235 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,266 Matty: What the fuck?! 236 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,227 -Run, Johnny! Stay alive! 237 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,396 No matter what happens, I will find you. 238 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,773 -Get the fuck back here! 239 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,232 -Oh, jeez. [exclaims] 240 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,567 -[Matty grunts] -[Ted exclaims] 241 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,610 -Ah, fuck! -[John groans] 242 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,947 -Stupid fucking moron! Bastards! -[both groaning] 243 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,408 -Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is going on here? 244 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,452 -These two dumbshits got caught with drugs 245 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,454 and let Susan get arrested for it! 246 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:40,789 -What? 247 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,000 Is that true? both: Yeah. 248 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,669 -Stupid fuckin' morons! -[both grunting] 249 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:46,836 Blaire: Bastards! 250 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,631 [♪♪♪] 251 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,136 -I'll be right back. 252 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,640 You stay here and write your confession, dipshit. 253 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,522 -I can't do it. -Why not? 254 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,691 -I'm scared, Blaire. I can't go to jail. 255 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:08,775 -Oh, but you're perfectly fine 256 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,777 with your mother going in your place? 257 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,320 I swear to God, this is exactly 258 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,655 what I was talking about last night 259 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,989 on fucking steroids. 260 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,700 Susan does everything for this family, 261 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,034 and nobody ever does shit for her. 262 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:19,786 -Well, look at this face, Blaire. 263 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,871 Look at his mouth. It's so youthful. 264 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,290 If he goes to prison, it's gonna be filled with dicks. 265 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,543 And how does a mouth full of dicks help Susan? 266 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:27,669 -Oh, fuck you guys. 267 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,840 [door opens, closes] 268 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,050 -A mouth full of dicks? 269 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,677 -I was exaggerating for effect. 270 00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:37,387 It'll probably just be one or two dicks... 271 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,181 but they'll be big ones, Johnny. 272 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,767 Yes, they will. 273 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:47,230 [♪♪♪] 274 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,565 [keys jingling] 275 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,777 [♪♪♪] 276 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,530 -Hey. How you doin'? 277 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,700 -Oh. I'm fine, Matty. 278 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,745 Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti? 279 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,163 -Don't you fuckin' worry. 280 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,665 Johnny's gonna confess, and you'll be home by tonight. 281 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,752 -No, Matty, don't make him do that. 282 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,503 It was my choice. 283 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:11,546 -What? 284 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:13,757 -Johnny's 18 now. 285 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,676 He's just startin' his life. 286 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,887 This could ruin his future. 287 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,264 It could keep him from going to college. 288 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,768 It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang. 289 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,519 -But they were his drugs. 290 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,104 He's gotta learn responsibility. 291 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,439 -Not like this. 292 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,734 Promise me you won't make him. 293 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:33,943 -Susan. 294 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,198 Fine. 295 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,784 -Besides, it's my first offense. 296 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,870 I'm sure they'll go easy on me. 297 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,873 -I sentence you to 20 years in state prison. 298 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,874 [gavel bangs] 299 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:48,792 Next case. 300 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:53,213 Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett. 301 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,798 Possession of marijuana. 302 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,633 -Dun-dun! -Stop doing that. 303 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,218 -It's a courtroom, Blaire, I have to. 304 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,762 It's the law. And order. 305 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,763 Dun-dun! 306 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:02,806 Ow, fuck! 307 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,142 [softly] Dun-dun. 308 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,644 judge: Mrs. Bennett, you're charged 309 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,770 with possession of marijuana. 310 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:09,813 How do you plead? 311 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,440 -I cannot lie, Your Honor, 312 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,985 I plead... guilty. 313 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,822 -Well, thank you for your honesty. 314 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,575 Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady, 315 00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:23,702 I'm going to be lenient. 316 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,080 I sentence you to ten days in the county jail. 317 00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,331 -Ten days? -What the fuck? 318 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,000 -Jesus Christ! judge: Court is adjourned. 319 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,042 [gavel bangs] 320 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,169 -Dun-dun! 321 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,713 -Ah, I like you! 322 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,802 [♪♪♪] 323 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,850 [inmates chattering] 324 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,144 [buzzer buzzes] 325 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,146 [gate clanging] 326 00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:00,905 [♪♪♪] 327 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,914 [♪♪♪] 328 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461 -Who the fuck are you? 329 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,380 -Hi. I'm Susan Bennett. 330 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,341 I'm your new roommate. 331 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,307 This is a nice place you have here. 332 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,391 What's your name? 333 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,642 -Bitch Killer. 334 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:33,063 -Oh, well. Rhymes with Mitch Miller. 335 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,648 -The fuck? Why are you here? 336 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,901 -Oh, I-I did a very bad thing. 337 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,778 -Did you kill a bitch or somethin'? 338 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,906 -Marriage-wana. -No shit. 339 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,783 -Oh, no. None at all. 340 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,202 Why are you here? 341 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,079 -'Cause the fuckin' system's corrupt. 342 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,039 I ain't do shit. I'm innocent. 343 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,083 -Oh, no. 344 00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:55,043 Have you said anything to anyone? 345 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,003 We should let 'em know. 346 00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,214 Guard, this woman's innocent. 347 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,215 -Shut the fuck up... -Guard! 348 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,883 -...and mind your own business. 349 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,134 We ain't friends. 350 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,053 -We aren't friends. 351 00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,890 But I bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be. 352 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,268 -Are you threatening me? [chuckles] 353 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,062 I am Cornholio. 354 00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,605 -Come on, Beavis, take your seat. 355 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:19,442 -What the fuck is goin' on in here? 356 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,819 -We're just watchin' TV. 357 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,113 -You two ain't watching shit. 358 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,573 If your mother's in jail, you're in jail. 359 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,117 -What does that mean? -It means 360 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,703 you guys are gonna clean the goddamn house. 361 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,204 You're gonna do the laundry, you're gonna do 362 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,707 the fucking dishes, and you're gonna cook all the meals. 363 00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,125 So get ready for fuckin' hell. 364 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,043 -Isn't that just Susan's daily routine? 365 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,545 -You're goddamn right it is. 366 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,839 And that's their punishment. So get started. 367 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,173 -Okay. 368 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,134 Okay. We got this. 369 00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,136 -It's housekeeping. How hard can it be? 370 00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:48,555 -Yeah. Yeah, even the name sounds like a game. 371 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,931 Housekeepin'. -[chuckles] 372 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,392 You idiots have no idea what you're talking about. 373 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,102 -Oh, yeah? Watch this. 374 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,232 See that? I just kept house. 375 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:00,400 I'm a housekeeper. 376 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:01,317 -Yeah, and look at me. 377 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:02,652 I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker. 378 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,572 -You know what? I stand corrected. 379 00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,906 You guys got this. 380 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:07,949 Good luck. 381 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,827 -All right, I'm gonna dust you, then you dust me. 382 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:11,911 -Right. 383 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,956 [♪♪♪] 384 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,459 [inmates chattering] 385 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,386 -May I join you ladies? 386 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:36,644 I'm Susan. I'm bunking with Miss Killer. 387 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,646 What are your names? 388 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:39,814 -Eat a cock. 389 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,107 -How about you? 390 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,442 -I'm FedEx. 391 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,028 That's Sixty-Nine. That's Gungina. 392 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,364 -Men die if they get in my crosshairs. 393 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,617 -Oh, these are such interesting names. 394 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,786 Why do they call you FedEx? 395 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,038 -'Cause I can get you anything within 24 hours. 396 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,122 -Oh. 397 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,457 -As long as it fits up my ass. 398 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:58,667 -Oh. 399 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,127 What are you ladies talking about? 400 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379 -The fuckin' food here. 401 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,381 I wouldn't feed this shit to my fuckin' dog. 402 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,050 -I knew a dog once that liked soup. 403 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,553 Isn't that silly? [laughs] 404 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,306 He belonged to our nextdoor neighbors, 405 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,350 and he was such a sweet, sweet boy. 406 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,185 But then he attacked a toddler, 407 00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:19,062 and they had to put a muzzle on him. 408 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,147 But then he chewed through that muzzle 409 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,816 and attacked another toddler. 410 00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:25,902 And then the church had to move him to another area. 411 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:29,114 Oh, no, wait, that was Father O'Brien. 412 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,202 Sixty-Nine. What does that name mean? 413 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:37,497 -Listen, ho, if you talk too much around here, you get cut. 414 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,083 So if I were you, I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth. 415 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,381 [♪♪♪] 416 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,384 -I don't understand. 417 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,177 All this shit, and somehow all we made 418 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,220 was one boiled egg. 419 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:53,930 I don't even know if it's any good. 420 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,725 -Wait. It's after noon. That's a gay egg. 421 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:57,851 [spits] 422 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,060 -Shit. 423 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,729 Now I'm thinkin' about John Stamos pushin' 424 00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,230 a lawn mower shirtless. 425 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:04,274 Matty: What the fuck are you idiots doing in there? 426 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,234 Where's dinner? -It's almost ready. 427 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:08,278 Okay, we gotta think of something. 428 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,696 Mom normally goes to the store on Saturday, 429 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,697 so there ain't much here. 430 00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,282 -Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims, 431 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,117 white bread, shredded cheese, 432 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,535 and a shit ton of condiments. 433 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:16,786 -I got an idea. 434 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:22,459 Okay. 435 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,128 Gourmet hot dogs. 436 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,215 -What the hell is this? 437 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:30,091 -What do you mean? It's dinner. 438 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,135 -This pile of shit is dinner? 439 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,471 -We call it the frankfurther. 440 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:37,724 We've taken the hot dog into the radical '90s. 441 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,142 both: Whoa! 442 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,477 -Surf's up. 443 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,064 -What? I ain't eatin' that shit. 444 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,273 -Unbelievable. 445 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,274 We slave away in there, 446 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,984 we make you a delicious meal, 447 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:50,570 we drop it on the floor, pick it up, and rinse it off, 448 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,280 and this is the thanks we get. 449 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,657 -You know, I knew you two would fuck this up. 450 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,159 Fuck it. 451 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,787 I'll go to the grocery store, and I'll do it myself. 452 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,958 Can I get some goddamn help here? 453 00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,129 Where's the fuckin' dinner aisle? 454 00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:12,801 This box has a picture of what I want. 455 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,012 [♪♪♪] 456 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:19,641 inmate: Hey, hey, hey! 457 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:21,434 -Ah, fuck! 458 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,977 Bitch Killer: This is fucking bullshit! 459 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,480 -What's goin' on? -Surprise inspection. 460 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,692 -Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess. 461 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:29,776 I'm gonna get written up again 462 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,361 and lose my watercolor privileges. 463 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:33,279 -Bitch Killer, get in here! 464 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,031 -Shit! -[inmates chatter] 465 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,705 -This is the cleanest bunk I have ever seen. 466 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,957 -What the fuck? 467 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,333 -What's that smell? 468 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,668 -It's potpourri. 469 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:50,171 I made it with the dried flowers from the memorial 470 00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:53,133 for that lady who was stabbed in the shower the other day. 471 00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,551 -Well, it's lovely. 472 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,470 Congratulations, Bitch Killer. 473 00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,431 You passed inspection for once. 474 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,392 But I got my eye on you. 475 00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:07,731 -You did this? 476 00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,732 -Yeah. 477 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:09,983 -Why? 478 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:12,527 -Oh, I'm so used to picking up Johnny's room. 479 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:13,987 It was easy. 480 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,196 Also... 481 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:20,368 I made you some slippers out of maxi pads. 482 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,412 -How'd you know my size? 483 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,247 -The slippers or the maxi pads? 484 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,582 -Good lookin' out. 485 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,710 -Oh, I don't know what that means. 486 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,509 announcer [on TV]: The Family Feud! 487 00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,219 -[audience cheering] -[dryer buzzes] 488 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,846 -Teddy, dryer's done. 489 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:42,682 announcer: Richard Dawson! 490 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,767 [cheering continues] 491 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:44,809 -Teddy? 492 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026 [Ted grunting] 493 00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,070 -[gasps] Jesus Christ! 494 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,279 -Teddy, what happened? 495 00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:57,530 -Next time you start that thing, 496 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,907 fuckin' knock first. 497 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,700 -Hey, what the fuck is goin' on 498 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,035 with the laundry, huh? 499 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,703 Everything I own is too small, 500 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,080 and I can't find my underwear. 501 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,414 -Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out. 502 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,874 -What? Why? 503 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,417 -'Cause they were covered in skid marks. 504 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,253 -Well, I-I can't go to work without any underwear on. 505 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,464 The guys will bust my fuckin' chops all day. 506 00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:17,300 -How, how will they know you're not wearin' underwear? 507 00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:18,468 -Don't play dumb. 508 00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:19,719 -Well, what do you want us to do? 509 00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,471 -Go dig 'em out of the fuckin' trash 510 00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:22,972 and put some Wite-Out on 'em. 511 00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:25,475 Go! -Goddammit! 512 00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:26,601 -We're on it. We're fuckin' goin'! 513 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,274 [♪♪♪] 514 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,492 -Hello, ladies. 515 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,411 -What the fuck you doin' back there? 516 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,579 -Well, you were saying you didn't like the food. 517 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,956 So I talked to the warden, 518 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,457 I made a few suggestions, 519 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:52,252 and she put me in charge of the kitchen. 520 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,503 -Is that meatloaf? 521 00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,505 -Yeah. Would you like to try it? 522 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:02,429 -Oh, my God, that's fuckin' great. 523 00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,931 It reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf. 524 00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,684 -I used pigeon eggs... and some pigeon, 525 00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,103 but I think it turned out okay. 526 00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:11,146 -Hey. 527 00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,481 -The fuck you want, Half Foot? 528 00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:17,318 -Half Foot? What a cute name. 529 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,320 Is it because you're short? 530 00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,947 -Not that it's any of your fucking business, 531 00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:21,990 but yeah. 532 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,491 And also because I lost half my foot 533 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:24,367 in a shovel fight. 534 00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,202 -Oh, dear. 535 00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:29,456 Well, at least you don't have to trim your toenails. 536 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:30,790 It's not that half of the foot. 537 00:21:30,832 --> 00:21:31,875 -Oh. 538 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,002 -I was kitchen bitch until yesterday. 539 00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:35,462 You stole my fuckin' job. 540 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,297 They put me down in the motherfuckin' laundry. 541 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:38,548 -Oh, I'm sorry. 542 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:41,134 I-I didn't mean to take anyone's job. 543 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:43,136 I was just trying to make the food better. 544 00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:45,847 -Oh, so my food was shit? Is that what you're saying? 545 00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:49,059 You're dead meat. 546 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,231 Susan: Sixty-Nine? 547 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,400 I could use a hug right now. 548 00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:05,408 [♪♪♪] 549 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,535 -Why the fuck do I got to know how to read? 550 00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:08,620 My mom couldn't read, 551 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,038 and she made bank from giving head. 552 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,874 -Aww, reading's wonderful for your head. 553 00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:15,418 And it's not hard to learn at all. 554 00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:18,588 Now, I borrowed this from the jail library. 555 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:20,632 The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 556 00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,051 You think you've been naughty? 557 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,637 Wait till you see what he gets up to. 558 00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:27,555 -The fuck is all this shit? 559 00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:29,432 -Oh, hi, Half Foot. 560 00:22:29,474 --> 00:22:32,560 I was just teaching Gungina how to read. 561 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,896 Would you like me to teach you how to read too? 562 00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:37,399 -What? First you steal my fuckin' job, 563 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,025 now you calling me fuckin' illiterate? 564 00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:42,278 How would you like half a foot in your ass? 565 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,947 -Is there a problem here? 566 00:22:44,698 --> 00:22:46,950 -No. No problem. 567 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,703 I'll be seeing you, Susan. 568 00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:51,454 -Okay. 569 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,123 Bye-bye. 570 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:56,084 Oh! Excuse me, guard? 571 00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,085 -What? 572 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,421 -What are the plans for Easter? 573 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,424 -Easter? -Well, it's this Sunday. 574 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,592 I imagine the warden's providing the baskets, 575 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:08,138 but who do I talk to about getting 700 colored eggs? 576 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:11,307 -This is jail. There ain't no plans for Easter. 577 00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:13,518 -But it's Jesus' big day. 578 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,604 How will he know we care if we don't hide eggs? 579 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:18,148 -Not my problem. 580 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,530 -Oh, Gungina, that's not what those holes are for. 581 00:23:26,197 --> 00:23:28,992 [♪♪♪] 582 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:34,330 -Goddamn. How'd this happen so fast? 583 00:23:34,706 --> 00:23:37,709 -Dude, this is, uh... Do you use this sock for, uh... 584 00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,295 -Lovemakin'. Yes. -Yeah. 585 00:23:40,337 --> 00:23:42,422 -Yeah, it usually gets washed before it gets like that. 586 00:23:43,214 --> 00:23:44,549 [shatters] 587 00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:46,634 -Well, guess we should change the sheets. 588 00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:47,677 -Yeah. 589 00:23:54,768 --> 00:23:56,561 [creaking] 590 00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:57,854 [shatters] 591 00:23:59,189 --> 00:24:00,732 -Anything else covered in dried cum 592 00:24:00,774 --> 00:24:02,317 that I should know about? 593 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:04,361 [♪♪♪] 594 00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:07,697 -So I said, "Oh, yeah, motherfucker?" 595 00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:10,700 and I cut half his dick off. 596 00:24:10,742 --> 00:24:12,702 -Oh. -Which half? 597 00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:14,704 -The left half. 598 00:24:14,746 --> 00:24:17,165 [all laughing] 599 00:24:17,207 --> 00:24:18,541 -What are you laughin' at? 600 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:20,543 Is it me? 601 00:24:21,378 --> 00:24:24,673 Is it my body? Are you laughin' at my body? 602 00:24:24,714 --> 00:24:27,759 -Chill out, cracker. This ain't got nothin' to do with you. 603 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:30,053 -What did you just call me, inmate? 604 00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:33,556 You lookin' for trouble, Bitch Killer? 605 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,892 -Excuse me. Can I say something? 606 00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:40,939 I don't think you ladies understand just how difficult 607 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,899 a job Mrs. Guard has. 608 00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:44,442 -Are you takin' her fuckin' side? 609 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:47,862 -Well, I saw on 60 Minutes that prison guards have 610 00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,656 a very, very hard job. 611 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,575 They put their lives at risk every day. 612 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:55,829 They only make about $24,000 a year. 613 00:24:56,287 --> 00:24:58,039 Plus, they have to buy their own gun, 614 00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,917 which many of them use to kill themselves. 615 00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,252 -Or our spouses. 616 00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:04,713 -They're real people, just like us. 617 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,381 -Thank you, Susan. 618 00:25:06,423 --> 00:25:07,716 That means a lot. 619 00:25:07,757 --> 00:25:10,969 -And I think you have a wonderful body. 620 00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:14,806 -I need to go call my mother. 621 00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:20,311 [ominous music playing] 622 00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,736 Kitt: Michael, are you sure you know what you're doing? 623 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,696 [♪♪♪] 624 00:25:30,697 --> 00:25:32,449 [tires screeching] 625 00:25:35,118 --> 00:25:37,454 [bees buzzing] 626 00:25:37,495 --> 00:25:38,747 -Is that your wedding tux? 627 00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,331 -It's the only thing that's clean. 628 00:25:41,041 --> 00:25:42,292 -[squishes] John: Aah. 629 00:25:42,334 --> 00:25:43,793 Ah, what is that a puddle of? 630 00:25:43,835 --> 00:25:45,253 -You don't wanna know. Ted: Heads up. 631 00:25:45,295 --> 00:25:46,921 I'm gonna send down the trash. 632 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:49,799 [clattering] 633 00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,761 [sighs] 634 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:53,636 -Boys... 635 00:25:55,013 --> 00:25:56,765 back in 'Nam, we learned 636 00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:58,808 when it's time to abandon your post. 637 00:25:59,893 --> 00:26:00,852 That time is now. 638 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,605 Hey, hey, hey, not that way. 639 00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:06,274 Jesus Christ, don't go near the fuckin' bees' nest. 640 00:26:06,316 --> 00:26:07,776 -Well, how are we supposed to get out? 641 00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,819 There's a beaver dam blocking the kitchen door. 642 00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:17,369 [glass shatters] 643 00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:29,714 [Matty breathing heavily] 644 00:26:36,346 --> 00:26:38,348 [♪♪♪] 645 00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:45,230 -Yo, what the fuck you doin' in my cell, bitch? 646 00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:47,565 -Oh, hi, Half Foot. 647 00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,942 -You just ran out of fuckin' time. 648 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:51,736 -Happy Easter. 649 00:26:52,195 --> 00:26:53,822 -What? -Easter is all about 650 00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:54,781 second chances. 651 00:26:55,949 --> 00:26:58,368 Jesus got a second chance. 652 00:26:59,411 --> 00:27:01,746 I think our friendship deserves one too. 653 00:27:06,793 --> 00:27:08,128 -Fruit By the Foot? 654 00:27:08,169 --> 00:27:10,630 -Now you can have all the feet you could ever want. 655 00:27:13,758 --> 00:27:14,759 -Thanks. 656 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:15,719 Bitch Killer: Susan. 657 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,013 You got us all Easter baskets? 658 00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,723 -Oh, it was nothing. 659 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:22,684 And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help. 660 00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:24,769 -I got Peeps. Real Peeps. 661 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:26,521 -And a Cadbury Creme Egg! 662 00:27:26,563 --> 00:27:28,773 -Mine's empty. -Don't you worry. 663 00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:30,400 The candy's on its way. 664 00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:33,278 It's shipped but not delivered. 665 00:27:33,319 --> 00:27:34,320 [exhales] 666 00:27:34,779 --> 00:27:35,780 -Let's eat. 667 00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:40,201 -[cheering] -♪ What if God was one of us ♪ 668 00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:41,578 [inaudible dialogue] 669 00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:45,582 ♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪ 670 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:50,295 ♪ Just a stranger on the bus ♪ 671 00:27:50,337 --> 00:27:52,464 [bats squeaking] 672 00:27:56,343 --> 00:27:58,720 -Faster with that Wite-Out! Come on! Move! 673 00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:00,638 -You're shittin' faster than we can paint. 674 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:01,639 -Jesus. 675 00:28:01,681 --> 00:28:03,475 Mom's job is really fuckin' hard. 676 00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:05,435 Blaire: Yeah. No shit. 677 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,896 It's about time you ingrates figured that out. 678 00:28:07,937 --> 00:28:09,647 -Sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow 679 00:28:09,689 --> 00:28:11,149 to the house looking like this. 680 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,400 She deserves more. 681 00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:14,444 -Yeah. She does. 682 00:28:14,819 --> 00:28:15,820 -Hey, Blaire. 683 00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:18,948 If we promise to do better, will you help us put 684 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:21,201 the house back together for Mom? 685 00:28:21,618 --> 00:28:23,161 -Are you asking me because I'm a woman? 686 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:27,290 -No, I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here. 687 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,669 -Fine. Yeah, I'll do it. 688 00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:31,795 For Susan. 689 00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:33,588 -Thanks, Blaire. 690 00:28:33,630 --> 00:28:35,507 -Grab a brush. We're paintin' undies. 691 00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:37,926 [gags, coughs] 692 00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:39,969 [♪♪♪] 693 00:28:42,639 --> 00:28:43,932 -Gonna miss you, Susan. 694 00:28:43,973 --> 00:28:47,936 -Aw. I'm gonna miss you all so much. 695 00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:49,854 -It ain't gonna be the same in here without you. 696 00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:52,691 -My ass is full but so is my heart. 697 00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:53,858 -Thanks for teaching me to read. 698 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:57,445 From now on, my name is Bookgina. 699 00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:00,281 -And I'ma keep watering my foot, just like you said. 700 00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:01,866 I know it'll grow back one day. 701 00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:04,953 Susan: Ah, Bitch Killer. 702 00:29:04,994 --> 00:29:07,455 Thank you for being the best roommate 703 00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,833 a girl could ever ask for. 704 00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,502 -No, Susan, thank you. 705 00:29:13,503 --> 00:29:15,213 Uh, I got one more surprise for you. 706 00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:17,048 -What is it? [chuckles] 707 00:29:18,758 --> 00:29:21,011 [gasps] Oh, dear. 708 00:29:21,052 --> 00:29:22,971 -I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink. 709 00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:25,974 -It's so... big. 710 00:29:26,016 --> 00:29:27,225 -She did it when we still hated you. 711 00:29:27,684 --> 00:29:29,102 Four bitches held me down in the shower. 712 00:29:29,728 --> 00:29:31,062 It's funny how things work out. 713 00:29:31,104 --> 00:29:33,231 -God always has a plan. 714 00:29:34,232 --> 00:29:36,317 Goodbye, girls. 715 00:29:36,359 --> 00:29:37,944 [emotional music playing] 716 00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,788 [♪♪♪] 717 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,297 John: Okay. 718 00:29:58,214 --> 00:29:59,758 That's a lot better. -Yeah. 719 00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:00,592 [door opens] 720 00:30:01,468 --> 00:30:03,011 Mom! -Oh, my God! 721 00:30:03,053 --> 00:30:04,220 -Hey, hey! 722 00:30:04,262 --> 00:30:06,097 -Oh, we missed you. We missed you so much. 723 00:30:06,139 --> 00:30:07,223 -Did they give you back the weed? 724 00:30:07,265 --> 00:30:10,852 -Oh. Oh, my goodness. 725 00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:12,854 Did you have a party? 726 00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:16,274 This place is a mess. 727 00:30:18,818 --> 00:30:20,695 There. -Mom, we did our best, 728 00:30:20,737 --> 00:30:23,448 but we had no idea how hard your job is. 729 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,116 -Yeah, we took you for granted, 730 00:30:25,158 --> 00:30:26,951 and we promise it'll never happen again. 731 00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:29,579 -That's right. You can make us meatloaf anytime you want. 732 00:30:29,621 --> 00:30:31,539 We won't say shit. -Yeah, anytime you wanna 733 00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:33,083 make meatloaf is good with us. 734 00:30:33,124 --> 00:30:34,959 -Even tonight would be okay. -Let's have it tonight. 735 00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:36,211 -Hurry. -Now! 736 00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:38,129 -Jesus, she just walked in the fuckin' door. 737 00:30:38,171 --> 00:30:39,881 -It's okay, Blaire. 738 00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,967 I'd love to make my family some meatloaf. 739 00:30:47,138 --> 00:30:47,972 [sighs] 740 00:30:51,976 --> 00:30:53,353 [clattering] 741 00:30:56,106 --> 00:30:57,148 -Uh, hey, Mom. 742 00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:00,735 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. 743 00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:02,070 And thank you. 744 00:31:02,112 --> 00:31:05,240 I almost ruined my life, and you saved me. 745 00:31:05,281 --> 00:31:07,409 -Oh, Johnny. 746 00:31:07,450 --> 00:31:09,285 That's what growin' up's all about. 747 00:31:09,327 --> 00:31:13,123 Makin' mistakes and lettin' your mother fix it all. 748 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:16,459 -Well, that was our last one. No more mistakes for us. 749 00:31:17,002 --> 00:31:21,423 -You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside, 750 00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:25,468 I learned that everybody needs somebody to look out for them. 751 00:31:25,844 --> 00:31:27,137 I'm your mother. 752 00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:29,848 You don't have to thank me 753 00:31:29,889 --> 00:31:33,018 or appreciate me or even notice me. 754 00:31:33,059 --> 00:31:35,812 I'll always be right here. 755 00:31:36,980 --> 00:31:38,023 Always. 756 00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:41,401 I'm gonna die here, Johnny. 757 00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:44,029 Right here. 758 00:31:45,071 --> 00:31:45,905 -Good. 759 00:31:46,990 --> 00:31:47,991 -Why isn't it ready? 760 00:31:48,658 --> 00:31:50,660 [♪♪♪] 761 00:31:52,245 --> 00:31:54,998 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 762 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,377 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 763 00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:02,589 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 764 00:32:04,257 --> 00:32:07,594 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 765 00:32:08,094 --> 00:32:10,805 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 766 00:32:10,847 --> 00:32:14,017 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 767 00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:17,562 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 768 00:32:17,604 --> 00:32:19,189 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 769 00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:23,651 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 770 00:32:23,693 --> 00:32:25,862 ♪ Best friend is me ♪ 771 00:32:38,249 --> 00:32:40,043 [♪♪♪]