Good, Gino. Drinking the whole…
Oh!
I just made one.
-I didn't know that you already-- -Oh, yeah, we're good.
It's a big milestone, actually,
'cause this little guy slept through the night.
No! Good boy!
Well, five hours, but… Oh, it's amazing what a little extra sleep can do.
I feel so awake.
I also came up with, like, five business ideas.
One is for a fitness app that has a storytelling component.
And one's a fitness app that links with your aura.
And then one's a fitness app that, um…
Okay, you know what? I think they're all bad,
but I-- I feel really good.
Come on. You can burp for Mama. I don't know why he's not--
-Here, let me try. -Yeah, um, okay.
I can try it. I could try it.
Yes, we're gonna get this.
We're gonna get these burps out.
Oh! You got it.
Gino always saves his best burps for me.
Thank you.
Uh, so where-- where were you?
Oh, I, uh, went for a walk.
Oh, no, but in the middle of the night you weren't in bed.
Yeah. I, uh, slept outside.
I was really drunk,
so I just, like, basically passed out in the gutter outside the house.
What? Oh, my God!
No, that's a lie.
I had sex with a man.
Please don't tell anyone.
I need that house. Buy me that.
Good morning.
-Hey. Morning. -Hey, I'm making breakfast.
Just don't do that thing where you make one plate of eggs
and somehow 35 pots and pans get dirty in the process.
But then we can have fun washing dishes together!
I could snap the towel at your butt.
-Whoo! -Okay, we get it.
You had sex. It's gross. Grow up.
Are you gonna hang out with Mark today?
I don't know. I texted him, and he wrote back, "Can't. Family thing."
You think we weirded him out?
Yeah, he's probably had enough of us. I would leave it. I would just leave it.
Oh, no. We're out of eggs. I'll get more today.
Oh, don't bother. We're leaving tomorrow.
No, we leave Monday.
Yeah, it's Sunday.
What's happening? Are you… crying?
I don't know, I just got sad all of a sudden. Sorry.
Oh, my God. Well, here.
-Don't touch me! It'll come out. -Okay.
I'm uncomfortable.
-What's going on? -Nothing. No, I just--
I think I'm just sad that vacation's coming to an end.
You know, I don't want to go back to work and normal life and…
Our house?
You know what I mean.
We're just-- We're just having a lot of fun, and…
you're your old self here.
So it's not home. It's going home with me.
No, that is not…
what I…
Hey, this sentence is not making me feel better the slower you say it,
so I'm gonna go for a run.
I'll work on being less of a bummer.
Jack…
How? He didn't even cook anything.
Chic? Or Anne of Green Gable?
Chic because Anne of Green Gable.
Hey, guys. How's it going?
-Hey. -Is Jack home?
-Uh, he's out for a run. -Oh. Okay.
I-I took his vape by accident. Maybe you could give it back to him?
And also, there's something in here for Anne.
-Oh, she's home. Want me to get her? -No, no, I'm late for a family thing.
So see you later.
Bye.
Wait.
Okay, now.
Did you know about this?
I did not know.
Oh, good for her!
She deserves to be a whore.
Oh, hey. Brenda just emailed.
"Checking in because another family wants me to be their surrogate,
but I loved meeting you guys."
She wants to know if we're still considering her.
I don't know. Are we?
I think so. I liked her.
-Should we tell her that we're in? -Let's talk about it when we are home.
We should never make a big decision on holiday.
That's how I came from Bermuda with the crystal statue of Cinderella.
-Come on. -Okay.
-Do you not want to do it? -I just want to keep talking about it.
If we keep talking about it, we'll never do it.
I know it's scary.
I'm nervous about it, too.
-At some point, we have to take the leap. -I don't want to do it.
What?
I'm sorry.
I've just been thinking about how much work kids are,
how tired new parents are. That--
I worry we are too old.
We are not too old. You saw me at my high school reunion.
I looked like a celebrity at a charity event for bald, fat men.
Listen.
I know we could do it.
All I'm asking is, should we do it?
Yes.
Well, at this moment, I think no.
So we keep talking about it when we're home.
We'll figure it out. We always do.
See you later.
Mwah!
Go faster or let me ride in front of you.
No.
Danny!
Oh, shit. Okay.
Park my bike.
I hate this bit.
I'm not picking up your bike.
Ugh.
Wow!
Okay, 655 Ocean Lane!
Wow! I mean, the wallpaper is Midwest funeral home,
the storks can go fuck themselves, but the house!
Ha! If we were smart, we would buy it and turn it into a bed and breakfast.
Oh, I'm in. I will retire early and run it.
And then when our husbands die…
Claude, botched facelift.
Jack, perforated rectum from too many unnecessary colonoscopies.
We'll live here together.
Can we do it now?
Claude's pissing me off.
Oh, is it because of his bonnet?
The surrogate asked if we were still interested.
But now all of a sudden, Claude thinks that we're too old.
Oof! I mean, I get it.
No, bitch. You're supposed to say, "You're not too old. How dare he?"
I'm sorry. You are very young.
You-You-You told me who SZA was.
Do I know for sure, for sure, if we should do it?
No. But I do know we can't keep talking about it.
We're either never gonna do it, or we're gonna become two Tony Randalls
who feed our baby applesauce that we also eat.
Okay, if you're really having trouble making a decision…
-My therapist has a book. -No. Absolutely not.
-The Three Magic Questions. -I'll kill you in your sleep.
It really helped me decide whether I should do Invisalign for a third time.
-I decided, possibly at a later date. -There's nothing to decide.
At this point, we just need to push through.
Yes, you could push through,
or you could seriously consider Claude's concerns.
-Like, is this right for both of you, or… -Hi. Brenda?
We are definitely still interested.
What are you doing?
I'm pushing through.
Man, there is nothing like a long run and a dip in the ocean
to make you feel totally at peace.
Oh, dick, I swam with my wallet.
Hey, I think I'm gonna take the baby in for his first swim.
Oh, honey, he hasn't even had his shots yet.
You're gonna take him in a fish toilet?
I'm not gonna dunk him. I'm just gonna dip his little toes in.
My yogurt card. Shit.
Listen, you are the mom.
Whatever you think, it's fine.
It was fully punched out, too. Shit.
No, it's… It's probably a bad idea.
Wait, there's Mark.
Mark!
-Mark! -Just stop, Jack, please.
God, this is because of the swinger thing. Mark!
Come on, Jack.
Mark!
Jack, it could be for many reasons. Perhaps stop screaming "Mark."
I gotta explain myself.
What?
Jack! Come back! Why?!
-Wait, is that the guy that you-- -Yes.
Shh!
-Hey, buddy, listen… -No, Jack, no.
Oh, my God! You did have a family thing.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry. Congrats.
Well, catch us after! We're right over there.
Sorry again!
So, are you gonna tell me why you were crying this morning?
Oh!
I don't know.
Our house has just been kind of a bummer recently.
Because of the chevron backsplash?
Do not use your powers against me.
When I ask Jack if he's feeling better, he says yes, but something's off.
At night, he barely talks to me.
He just zones out on the couch watching SportsCenter.
Like when he's high or all the time?
Well, Jack doesn't get high.
Okay, not a big deal, but maybe a big deal for you.
Remember back in college when I took you to a Cypress Hill concert
and you asked me, "Do you think anyone here is on drugs?"
-Yeah. -Well…
Oh, no. What's on that thumb drive?
Oh, sweetheart.
I love these.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, man. I hope I didn't ruin the wedding.
Oh, God, no. Nobody even cared.
Except the photographer, who says you're in every picture.
Hi, guys. Hey, Anne.
Hey, hi.
Hey, we're all going to the boardwalk for our last night. You in?
Oh, uh…
Yeah, maybe.
Yes. You should come.
If you're, I mean, free.
Okay, great. Yeah.
I just gotta go to my niece's reception, but I can dip out early.
It's not even my goddaughter.
Awesome.
Okay, awesome.
Cool.
-I'll see you later. -Okay, then.
-"Cool"? Why am I… "Cool." -No, that's cool.
That is cool. You are cool.
Yeah, you're cool.
-Hey. -Hey.
Mark Brett dropped this off for you.
Okay, okay. I cannot emphasize enough how not a big deal this is.
Then why are you hiding it?
Because we don't have to tell each other everything.
I know you still Google your high school boyfriend, but you don't tell me that.
Because he cheated on me, and I like that he's ugly now.
Look, at the end of the school year,
I had a bunch of confiscated vapes from the kids.
So you started using them? How often are you doing this?
Not often. Just, like, at night.
Every night?
So-- So when I'm suffering through SportsCenter with you, you're high?
I'm not high, all right? It's like a glass of wine.
I could do the Saturday crossword.
Not Pizza Man! You'll die!
I guess I'll find out for myself.
Hey, honey. You know, if you want to go on the boardwalk tonight,
I'm happy to stay home with Gino.
Nope, that is okay.
I'm gonna bring him.
Oh. Are you sure?
It gets pretty dirtbaggy after dark.
The other night I saw a woman with a Three Stooges tube top
headbutt her boyfriend, and her boob popped out.
Well, I think we can manage just fine. I'm the mom, right?
Yeah, no, I'm just saying I'm happy to stay home.
I know you're happy to stay home,
because then you would not have to see the man that you had S-E-X with.
Okay, you got me, I'll go.
Hey, who's ready to hit the boardwalk, bitches?
-Whoo! -Winner!
I don't practice Santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball
Well, I had a million dollars, but I
Well, I'd spend it all
Wait, you guys! Should we stop and get beers?
But they have live music, your greatest hate.
Honestly, it's a vibe.
Uh, Katherine, are you blazed?
Danny, I did a drug.
I've decided I'm gonna buy beers for everybody.
Beer, beer, beer, beer. Ginny?
I will pump and dump.
Wow. Honestly, I get why you do this.
If I did this every night, I wouldn't feel so miserable all the time.
You feel miserable all the time?
Hey, guys!
Mark Brett!
Hey, man.
Hey, guys.
-Hi, Anne. -Hi, Mark.
Hey.
Guys, do you think anybody is gonna judge me for drinking with a baby?
On the Jersey Shore boardwalk?
So, I'm sorry I snuck out this morning.
Is that what happened?
I assumed I rolled over and the Aerobed launched you out the window.
I just, I didn't want it to be awkward,
and I think maybe I got in my head a little bit.
Hey, look, no pressure from over here. You're leaving tomorrow, right?
This is the last night we're ever gonna see each other.
Yeah.
So we don't have to worry about impressing each other
or wonder where this is going.
Uh, it's going nowhere, baby.
We can do everything wrong if we want. Watch this. I love you, Anne.
Okay.
Well, let me try.
That baby over there is my late husband's.
What!
See? Nothing matters.
Yeah, a trashy summer fling.
This could get weird.
Spring'll soon be gone
Wildwood days
Summer's coming on
Wildwood days
I got your crotch!
It looks like you peed your pants! You peed in your pants!
Lots of summer love
I got it!
Yes!
Wildwood days
After school is out
Wildwood days
Heading down the shore
Wildwood days
Kate?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Those Wildwood days
Wild, wild Wildwood days
Oh, baby
Every day's a holiday
And every night is a Saturday night
Oh, those Wildwood days
Wild, wild Wildwood days
And then those party lights
Wild, wild, Wildwood nights
No!
You'll be mine
Wildwood days
'Cause it's kissing time
Wildwood days
Gonna twist again
Wildwood days…
Ah.
Thank you.
I want to be in the middle. It's too spinny on the outside.
-What? What are you talking about? -It's true, because of centrifugal force.
Bitch gets high once and thinks she works at NASA.
What is this email from Brenda?
Why is she accepting our offer?
-Okay, listen. I think-- -Are you fucking serious?
I'm wearing my father's face as a mask.
-What? -What the fuck?
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!
This is too high.
This is how you feel every night?
Well, I weigh, like, ten pounds more than you.
It's more than ten pounds!
So what I say doesn't matter, right?
You're just gonna do whatever you wanna do?
-Come on. -Huh? No, come on, un cazzo.
Listen to me. This is how it always is with us.
You call the shots, and I go along with it because I have to make you happy.
Like, uh, Patrizia, our wedding song, the Halloween decorations.
I told you you could put your Dracula out. You just couldn't turn it on.
Fuck the Dracula. This is a baby we're talking about.
It's not something I can just go along with.
I said, Danny, I said I don't want to do it, and I meant it.
So why'd you say you wanted to do it months ago?
Because I would have loved to have a baby with you.
Okay?
I would've loved to be fathers together.
But I'm sorry, I…
We're older now, and I just think the window has closed.
Well, that's just fucking great.
So, okay.
What's your big plans for us now?
Are we just gonna redo our kitchen over and over again?
I don't want to get to the end of my life,
look back at this conversation, and say we fucked up!
Aren't you afraid we're gonna regret this?
We might regret it. We might.
But I don't regret it right now.
I'm sorry, Danny.
Feels like this night is done.
You know what? I'm gonna get going too. Guys, I'm gonna head out.
Okay, man. I'll check out that podcast you told me about.
I'm gonna check out that dry rub that you recommended for steaks.
Well, it works on pork chops, too.
Well, Mark, it's been a great summer.
Yeah, it has. I'm sad to see it come to an end.
Well, it has to, because this fall,
you're gonna be playing ball at State, and I'm gonna be at ballet school.
Yes, where you will incorporate hip-hop into the dance routines.
-I sure will. -Okay.
Oh, this has been really fun. Thank you, Mark.
Um…
Just give me your number.
No, what?
No, I thought we'd never see each other again.
-Okay, yeah. -No, you're breaking the rules.
You're right. You're totally right. I'm sorry. I don't know why I…
-Don't say "I'm sorry." -Anyway, it was nice to meet you.
-Yeah. -And, uh, don't forget your winnings.
Yeah.
Okay, bye, everybody.
Ciao.
Bye.
Okay, guys, this baby is done. We gotta go!
Come on.
-Hey. -Hey.
Mm.
How was your night out with Mark?
It was good.
Yeah, and I know you guys were hoping that it would be something more,
but I'm glad it didn't go any further.
-Your bra is in that bagel bag. -Oh, Danny, why didn't I take his number?!
He was so nice!
Why did I say no? I'm such a stupid idiot.
No, honey, you're not.
Oh, God.
Why do I keep making these jacked-up decisions?
Maybe it's because we're old.
The stakes are too high.
Every decision feels like I'm trying to stick the landing
on my entire fucking life.
Well, at least it's almost done.
I wish I could have told you sooner.
How? You didn't know.
No, but there were moments, you know, even months ago,
when I thought, "Do we really want this?"
Was one of them when I suggested we do the baby's room in white suede?
Yeah.
What you want does matter.
And if you believe it's something we shouldn't do,
then maybe we shouldn't.
Are you sure?
No.
Are you sure?
I think.
How can you ever be sure?
Well…
There is a book I know of.
Random House Audio presents The Three Magic Questions
by Dr. Suzanne Zolner, as read by the author.
Prologue. When I was 27…
Oh, my God, that's her voice?
…my life was at a crossroads.
One path in front of me…
"Upon checkout, please strip all beds and start laundry,
but only sheets, not towels, unless it's Sunday, in which case,
please wash both using detergent under the sink,
not the one labeled 'For Guests.'" I live in hell.
How you doing?
Well, I can no longer feel my heartbeat in my eyes, so, better.
I-- I'm sorry.
Here, look. Summer's over. I'm done with this.
Okay.
But, you know, in the future, if you're struggling,
you don't have to secret get high.
Like, when I ask you if you're okay, tell me the truth.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, okay, except I feel like you don't ask if I'm okay.
You ask if I'm better, which is a little bit different.
Okay, I am too hungover
to take the emotional SATs right now. What do I do?
You don't like it when I'm struggling, right?
I can feel you watching me, you're getting annoyed
that I'm, like, "not done with whatever this is yet," right?
That's why I've been getting high every night.
Okay, so this is my fault now?
I just want my husband to be happy
and our house to not feel like an Edgar Allan Poe immersive experience.
Oh, okay, and that's--
That's all me because you're fucking Rainbow Brite, right?
I mean, you said it last night. You're miserable all the time.
Yeah, because when you're down, I'm down.
Oh, bullshit. If you think that I'm your only problem--
I'm sorry, what does that mean? What are my problems?
Well, I don't know, because you never tell me what's wrong with you.
You only tell me what's wrong with me.
Because I'm fine.
Oh, yeah. You're perfect.
God. Oh, and here's your missing sandal.
Thank you.
Okay.
Look, maybe it's nobody's fault, right? Maybe we're just in a bad pattern.
I feel like everything I try just makes you feel worse.
So maybe we need to stop trying. Just, like, freeball it.
Like, instead of you trying so hard to make me happy,
and me trying to pretend that I am,
like, we're each responsible for our own happiness.
So we're still married, but we stop trying to fix each other.
Yeah. Doesn't that sound nice?
Yeah.
Can we workshop the name?
I'll tell you what.
I will call it freeballing, you call it whatever the fuck you want to.
Right? See?
We've already begun.
Which brings me back to my point.
You already have the answers.
The questions just serve to illuminate them.
-We get it, Suzanne. -It's all there within you.
This could've been a pamphlet.
So without further ado,
we begin by saying the decision that's troubling you aloud.
Should we have a baby?
And now, as I ask the Magic Questions,
don't think.
Just say the answer that you already know.
Is this right for me?
-Yes. -No.
Is this right for the world?
-Stupid question. -Who knows?
Is this right for us?
-No. -No.
Congratulations, dear reader.
You have now ans--
It's okay.
Really.
Maybe you don't get to do everything.
You know? That's just the way it goes.
Like…
We didn't get to have a baby,
but we also didn't get to be models in Milan.
I was a model in Milan.
-Okay. You know what I mean. -Yes.
But what we have gotten to do…
is really wonderful.
I love our lives together.
I do, too.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm all packed up.
I'm just gonna give Gino his bottle.
No, honey, I wouldn't. He'll fall asleep. I would just wait till we get in the car.
That way, he'll sleep on the way.
Yeah, you'll sleep on the way.
Actually, I'm gonna take him for a walk.
Hmm.
Whoo!
Do you want to go in the ocean? You want to go in the ocean, Gino?
Wow!
Oh, that's right.
Mama's got you.
Mommy's got you.
'Cause I'm your mom.
Yeah.