Annie!
They're here.
-Oh my God! -I know.
-People! -People.
-Hey! -Hi!
Oh my God!
Hey!
I wanna hug you!
-We quarantined. Come on. Bring it! -Ah!
-My friend! How you doing? -You smell even better than I remember.
Good, and you?
Hey, buddy.
Good to see you. You look good.
-You do too. Awesome. -You got leaner. You look buffed.
Wait.
-Oh no. -What is happening?
And we are very excited for you to meet
Patrizia!
-Ta-da! -Oh!
Patrizia is a dog?
Your text made it seem
like you were renting a room to your sexy hairdresser.
Isn't she chic? She's my goal weight. Get a picture of us.
Cheese!
Yes! Her coloring is very Armani.
Go, Patrizia. Oh, oh, oh!
Patrizia, no! Come here!
-Okay. Come on! Let's sit! -Patrizia!
What a spread! And balloons?
Yeah, it's for all the birthdays that we've missed.
And the one with the donut is for Jack's hemorrhoid surgery.
Ugh.
Oh my God! Everyone's hair is weird!
Hi, sweetheart! Lila's on the trampoline. Go find her.
-Go. -No!
-Okay, it's okay. -Oh!
Wait, so are we not masking?
We're outside. We all stayed home for two weeks. I think we're good.
Okay. You're right. We're all right.
Yeah, honey, I don't think you can catch anything.
We're six feet apart. Just relax, have some wine.
Mm.
Oh shit, Jack, that's mine!
Nick, can you toss me that hand sanitizer?
-Are you gonna put this in your mouth? -No.
I'm gonna put it in my butt. Do a handstand.
So, explain to me these sweaters.
-Okay. -Okay, well thank you for asking.
These are from our favorite Instagram account.
It's called Jeffrey Knitsit, and he's actually blind.
I can tell by the sweaters. Yeah.
And these are meant to raise awareness--
That you are both dorks.
-Yes. -Sorry.
It's working for you.
Hey, if you think this is dorky, you're gonna hate this.
-Oh, maybe not. -Yes.
Since it all started,
we have been reading each other a poem every night.
-Oh! Gross! -No, no, no. I hate you. I hate you.
Say whatever you want, but we have not had one argument since March 10th.
Patrizia, please.
Maybe you should run her a little bit.
-What? -Run her. A little trot. Like a dog show.
Okay. Okay, love. Patrizia.
-Watch this. -Listen, tomorrow there is a talent show.
It's mandatory. Lila and I made a sign and a trophy.
-All right. -Oh! Okay, Supermom.
You have no idea.
When I first met this one, she was this fearless punk rock chick.
Okay, it's true.
Hanging out, smoking cigarettes outside of Arlene's Grocery. Ooh!
First thing she ever said to me…
"God, you're a douchebag."
Yeah, and I was like, "Oh, I am definitely going to marry that mean lady."
Now, she takes care of us.
And you come up with these fun little creative adventures
and lift our spirits.
Danny, she's still very nervous.
Maybe she's keying off your energy.
-Relax. -What?
Relax, here.
It's all for Lila, right?
If we didn't have a kid,
we probably would have drank ourselves to death months ago.
Wow.
-Should we have a kid? -Are you serious?
Sit.
Patrizia.
It's getting cold.
Should we maybe grab the heaters from the deck?
No, let's go inside.
-Good idea. -Come on.
Are we sure about that?
Like, I know I agreed to come, but I…
brought sleeping bags so we could sleep in the car.
Jack, we did all the things. We're safe. Come on. Anybody want to watch a movie?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
Oh. Why don't you wear your Jeffrey Knitsit, and I'll change?
Okay.
Does everyone think I'm being insane?
No. But, you know, you could relax a little bit.
Oh! Hey.
We forgot to do our poem last night.
Oh jeez.
What do we got here?
"Ode to a Nightingale" by John Keats.
Okay.
"My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense,
as though of hemlock I had drunk."
How long is this one?
A page and a half.
Uh, "Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains."
Because I hear people downstairs getting breakfast.
Smells like he's doing bacon.
"But being too happy in thine happiness,
that thou light-winged Dryad of the trees in some melodious plot
of beechen greens and shadows…"
Hungry. Must be starving.
Almost ready. Almost ready.
Mmm! This is so good.
Come on, eat.
It's two days now. She won't eat.
Well, she definitely ate something,
because I found a juicy turd on the stairs this morning.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
No, no, that was me. I had tequila last night.
She doesn't like laughter.
-How long have you had this dog? -Five weeks.
Do you love her?
-That feels like a trick question. -She cost $5,000.
I'm just saying, a dog is not a child.
And if it's not a good fit, then you could find a different home for her.
There's a couple right down the road here, huge animal rescue people.
Yeah, they have a pot-bellied pig and so many senior cats.
I bet they'd take her.
We'll figure something out, Nick.
We're just as qualified to be Patrizia's parents as any two upstate lesbians.
-I never said they were lesbians. -They are.
I know, but I never said that.
Oh, it's working!
-Oh my God. -Hi, can you see me?
This technology is amazing.
-Hey! Dad, we're doing a talent show. -Great.
And I'm gonna win.
Cool your jets, big guy.
Oh my God!
Hi!
Ooh, my nieces!
Hey!
Mom.
Mom, move into the camera.
You're not on the camera.
I see you just fine, baby.
Okay, let's just start.
Kick it off, Jack! Kick it off!
La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha!
Ho, ho, ho!
Wrist full of rocks, hope I float Big up yourself, you know they don't
I chew, chew 'cause they hope I choke
I'm a bitch…
What?
Yes!
Do it!
I'm a boss, I'm a bitch
My dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?
-Courtesy itself must convert to disdain… -Oh, brother!
Now it's some boring play they did in college.
Dad, mute!
A lot of work texts. Everything okay?
-Yeah, it's all good. -Okay.
For my next impression,
this is my beloved Roberto Benigni getting a free refill of coffee!
Thank you! My God!
This is too much joy for me!
I love the world! I want to make love to all of you!
Please!
In the spirit of Riverdance, I bring you Lakedance.
Cheater. You're not really dancing.
That's it.
We see Lila on the spoons.
-This is really good. -Boo!
You're insane!
The first annual Covey award goes to…
-My dad! -No! No!
Thank you, honey.
I guess I'm better than all of you. I am more talented.
-Shut up! -Oh God.
Goddamn it!
What's wrong?
Kate's not feeling well, so I sent her upstairs to do a test.
Wait, home tests? Where did you get those?
Yeah, our school nurse, Teresa, volunteers at a clinic,
so she slipped me a case because I have pretty eyes.
-Oh. -Bad news.
It's bright red.
How in the hell?
We should go home, I guess.
No, we can't all go in the car. You might get Beth sick.
No, no, honey, just go up to Lila's room. I'll make you some tea and toast. Go on.
How'd this happen?
Huh? Who broke quarantine?
Nick, did you golf?
No.
What about you two, huh?
Any parties with your other, hotter friend group?
No. Calm down, Dr. Fauci.
No, I won't calm down, because somebody among us has betrayed the lockdown.
This is the worst production of Jesus Christ Superstar I've ever seen.
Ow!
I'm fine!
Um…
Don't panic, but Patrizia has run into the woods with a bagel
and just a little bit of my finger.
Okay.
Patrizia!
Come here! Right now!
Oh.
I have to walk to you?
You little…
Come on. Come on, Patrizia.
There we go.
Excuse me, do you know where Nick Pagano lives?
Yeah, I do.
I told him I'd drop off this pie.
Oh.
Uh, well, I'll take it to him. His family has COVID right now.
Oh. Um…
-Thank you. -I'll make sure he gets it, okay? Bye-bye.
-Where did you get that pie? -Just take her inside.
Okay. Come on, let's go. Let's go, Patrizia.
-Hey, hey. -Hey.
You gonna watch the Notre Dame game with me?
Sounds good.
Should we also invite the chick who dropped this pie off for you?
-What? -"What?"
Never go into acting.
-Oh my God. -Yeah.
Was she here?
None of my business. Just tighten up your game, all right?
Don't think for a second I'll eat that Fatal Attraction pie.
-Danny. Danny! -What?
It was…
It was a near miss.
That's all it was.
I got a little too friendly with an actuary.
-Nick, I don't wanna know. -We kissed.
It was a stupid, drunk group dinner.
And then the next day, the world shut down.
Thank God.
Lockdown saved me, Danny. Being home here with Anne and Lila…
Woke you up?
Yes.
I have not said anything even remotely flirty to her in months, but she keeps--
Texting you. No shit, Sherlock.
I am so grateful that nothing more happened.
Congratulations. Maybe you should tell your wife that,
because she flinches every time you receive a text.
She doesn't…
Oh.
Okay. All right, I'll handle this.
I will text Maureen right now.
Maureen. Gross.
How is it hot and also freezing out here?
Okay.
No, no, what are you doing?
Oh no.
I'm sorry.
Sounds like your baby misses you.
Yeah, that's probably why my baby runs away every ten minutes.
Also, am I crazy,
or did Claude basically say he didn't want to have children with me?
I caught that.
Maybe ask him again when he's not trying to wrestle a dog into a ski outfit.
Hm. Yeah.
How's Jack? Is he freaking out?
A little bit.
You wanna open the window and scream a poem at him?
I know we're being weird,
but these little rituals are what he needs right now.
You know his grade partner got so sick she had to be intubated.
Jesus.
So, now my job is to be
as calm and comforting as a gravity blanket.
Ah.
He's lucky he married you. You never freak out.
Freakouts are a choice.
Adults should not freak out.
That's insane. Say more.
It's just kind of narcissistic, you know?
It's like, oh, you get to be the one who loses their mind and creates chaos.
What a luxury.
And why do we think we're this way? And by we, I mean you.
Eh…
When I was in sixth grade,
I had to live with my aunt because my mom wouldn't stop crying.
Wait, what?
It's okay.
Come on. Poopy-poo.
Poop!
Come on, Patrizia. Please. Stop barking.
Oh! Thank you so much.
Go, let's go. Come on.
-May I ask you a question? -Hm?
When you were picking out a dog, why did you choose one that hates you?
Okay, I had no choice.
Danny's the one who wanted a dog. I wanted a bird named Patrizia.
A bird? A bird would have been so great at staying in your apartment.
Believe me, I wish I could tell Danny to return her
to whatever store in hell he bought her from.
She always goes straight for my genitals every time I get out of the shower.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
Do you think I can talk to the lesbians without Danny?
No. No. No, no, no. It's not the right thing to do.
I don't know, man.
Sometimes the right thing to do
is just whatever doesn't blow up your entire world.
Take me to the lesbians.
If it's meant to be, you'll find them.
I'm kidding. I will call Dana.
-Yeah? -Okay. Stay away from my genitals.
Danny?
-Danny. -Hm?
Patrizia's gone.
What do you mean Patrizia's gone?
She ran away, and we look everywhere, but we can't find her.
Oh. Okay, uh…
Where are you going? No, no, you're too sick to go out.
Titties Glenn Close will skin her.
Huh?
It's the fever.
I need you to be honest with me, all right?
You didn't go anywhere, did you, Lila? Like, no play dates?
I'm literally 15.
Patrizia! Patrizia!
Okay, what about a bubble?
You in some kind of a bubble, like a school bubble?
-You're the only one that went anywhere. -No, I didn't.
Yeah, you went to the clinic that Nurse Teresa works at,
and then you stood in line with a bunch of people who thought they had COVID.
Will you taste this?
Mom, that's so salty.
Nick!
Make sure the turkey gets to 165. Okay, that's my brain.
Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Throw away the potatoes. There's still yams.
And Lila knows how to do the Brussels sprouts.
Yes, ma'am.
Here we go. Six, seven, eight, all right.
There we go.
Oh.
Who are you texting?
I was setting a 15-minute timer.
Oh.
-Mwah! -Are you nuts?
We're all going down.
Patrizia.
Oh.
Patrizia.
Where the fuck is that dog?
-What if we call you Patty? -Uh…
Are you Patty? Are you Patty?
Good girl.
Patrizia. Paw.
Good girl.
Oh, her paws are a little yeasty.
Yeah, we should throw out all that food that guy gave us.
Mm-hm.
For fuck's sake, look at her eyes.
-Oh, they're so beautiful. -What are you doing?
Oh, the beauty.
Perfect girl. Up.
-Good girl. -Let me get in there.
Hi. Can you kiss it?
You're such a good girl.
-My goodness. -You are home.
Kiss.
Turn on the TV news. Listen to the radio.
Everyone is concerned about COVID and Thanksgiving, right?
Two facts to keep in mind. COVID right now is on…
Hey! What are you doing?
Stay away, I'm infected.
I am too.
Huh?
-Wait-- -We're COVID buddies.
I got everybody sick.
I must be asymptomatic.
Okay, your worst nightmare came true. Now what? I have news for you, buddy.
You cannot control the universe with your butthole. Get out.
-Get out. Come on. -No. Everybody's mad at me.
-What? -Everybody's mad at me.
I can't hear what you're saying.
-Everybody's mad at me. -Yes, I can, I can hear.
Goddamn it!
I got it.
Come on.
Here, here. Take it. Take it. Take it.
Look, nobody's mad at you. It's not your fault.
No, it's your fault.
Hold on a second. How am I in trouble?
You made us come here, all right?
You told me everything was gonna be fine, and it's not fine.
Okay, you can be mad if you want.
I'm not mad!
-Yes, you are. -God.
And whenever you pretend not to be, it comes out sideways.
So, there you go. Hit my hand as hard as you can.
What? No, I'll hurt you.
-Oh, fuck you, you'll hurt me. -I'm not hitting you, all right?
Hit it. Oh, that's right. You can't hit me because you're America's nicest boy.
Stop touching me.
I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you at all.
Good, good, let it out. Remember, I got the back stuff.
Selfish prick.
Well, you had to have your party, huh?
You always do whatever the fuck you want.
You don't care who gets hurt.
No, no, I'm not that guy!
Oh, you are legendarily that guy! How do you think you won the talent show?
'Cause even the children understand you're a little fucking baby!
-Fuck you, I'm trying. -Well, not hard enough.
Get off of me!
I wish I was like you!
You're such a good man. You take care of your family.
Yeah, but I didn't! Goddamn it! I'm so sick of being scared!
Fuck!
Okay.
There you go.
Good job.
You can always dump this stuff on me.
Okay.
Are you crying?
No.
I'm helping you.
I win.
You didn't find her?
No, Claude, I sure didn't.
I walked all over and didn't see a single lost dog.
Saw a lot of dogs with owners, but no lost dogs.
What a mystery.
Hopefully she finds a family who loves her as much as we did.
Well, but we'll never know because we certainly never talked about it
or chose them.
I guess all we'll ever know is uncertainty and heartbreak.
"Heartbreak" is a strong word.
No? It's like Nick said. Um, "A dog is not a child."
Well, thank God we don't have one of those.
I guess this proves that we're not cut out for it.
But Danny, that's a whole different conversation. Come on.
Listen.
-What? -Can COVID give you diarrhea?
It can, yes.
Oh boy.
There's so much food, and everything tastes like metal.
I can't wait to blast this everywhere in an hour.
Thank you, Nick,
for the best worst Thanksgiving of my life.
I am sorry that I made everyone come here.
And I am sorry that Jack made everyone sick.
But I need you guys.
Like a donkey.
Did you know that you can't just have one donkey?
You have to have two donkeys,
or else they go insane.
This is true.
It's true.
Bless you, honey.
Oh!
Somebody brought a whole pie, and I never even put it out.
That was glass. Why did you just throw that out?
Uh--
That's a fresh pie. We can have it tomorrow.
I-- I, uh--
We don't…
Are you okay?
The person who kept texting me was a woman.
I did not sleep with her.
I did kiss her.
A stupid, meaningless flirtation.
And it's completely over, and it'll never happen again.
Yeah, but it probably will happen again though, right, Nick?
No, Annie, it won't.
Okay.
What about the woman at the golf tournament a couple years ago,
the brunette?
You remember, the one with the nails?
Yes.
Mm.
I knew it.
I fucked up. I'm sorry.
I love you.
Please don't leave me.
God, you're a douchebag.
You don't think I'm gonna leave you,
because you think I don't know how to live without you.
And that is why this is so fucking mean.
Oh, honey…
No, do not come near me. Fuck this. I'm done!
Fuck.
I cannot be here for Christmas.