What's that?
I think he's saying we have to walk the rest of the way.
Oh, okay. Sounds so nice when he says it.
Why does English sound like throwing silverware in a drawer?
Amici, buongiorno!
You look so happy!
I am. I'm with Danny and my family at the same time, I'm delirious. Let's go.
Everybody's waiting to meet you. Come, come, come!
Great, because I practiced a traditional Italian greeting, so…
I am horny to be here! Thank you for eating us!
Uh… So, uh, this is my mother, Gloria.
-My sister, Marlena. -Hi.
-My nieces, Paola and Mara, over there. -Hey.
Paola's son, Valerio, is under the table.
My cousin, Enzo, his wife, Anna. Those are their kids.
That's my nephew, Fabio. And that's Zia Giulia.
He is like a little boy pretending to be a man.
It's a traditional greeting?
Welcome to Italy! Hi!
-Mwah! Mwah! -Mwah. Oh!
They do two here. Hi, Lady Disdain.
Hi.
-Hi. Hey. -Hi. Mwah, mwah.
Good to see you.
Sit! Sit, sit, sit, sit. Come on, relax. It's so good to see you.
Let's go!
-Well… -Come on.
Thank you for letting us come, huh?
Especially after the last time we saw each other.
Um…
I feel like I should address the 900-pound turkey in the room.
-Not necessary. -No, please don't.
Jack, it's fine. I've already forgotten the squelch it made.
Okay, well, you're all getting apology presents anyway, all right?
Whatever you want. Money is no object.
-Jack? -I'm being told that money is an object.
Let's keep it under 50 bucks.
Okay, basta. Let's have a toast.
What are you doing? Not the cheap stuff!
These are my friends, not swine!
Don't disrespect your uncle!
Claude is bossy in Italy.
In Italy, we say, "Chi trova un amico, trova un tesoro."
"Who finds a friend, finds a treasure."
Danny and I have found our treasure with you.
Thank you for coming.
Saluté!
I think I'm sexually attracted to Italian Claude.
I am so tired. Maybe we could just lay down for like ten minutes.
No, no, no. We have to fight through the jet lag and acclimate.
Otherwise, we'll spend the whole time taking breakfast naps.
You know, I don't think you have to keep apologizing for Thanksgiving.
They're your friends, and everyone loves you.
Yeah, like you love your deranged uncle who lives in an institution.
No one thinks you're crazy.
Sure.
So, uh, how was it seeing Danny?
-It was fine. -Really?
'Cause you did that fake high-pitched "hi" that you usually reserve for my family.
-"Hi, I'm tolerating you." -What am I supposed to say?
He's a grown man. He can live wherever he wants.
Yeah, and you can feel as heartbroken as you want.
Oh my God, heartbroken?
He's my friend. He's not like my husband who went to war.
Sidebar, nicest thing you've said to me in a month.
Yeah, look, I just thought that part of why you wanted to come--
I wanted to come because Anne begged us all to come.
And now I want to enjoy it with you.
I'm not here to rekindle my relationship with Danny.
Okay, got it. Sounds good.
All right, well, maybe I will just rest my eyes while you finish--
No! Wake up!
I'm up!
Isn't this place amazing?
Did you know that the exterior iron work was made by 15th-century monks?
Wow.
Did you know that the exterior aluminum work on my house
was done by Siding by Randy?
Everyone, we have a special treat.
Tonight, we are all going to the Nativity pageant at the church
that Marlena and the girls organized.
Oh! That's so lovely!
What's he saying?
Uh, he's just excited because he thinks that you look like… La Befana.
Oh, who is that?
-Oh. -Um…
La Befana is, um, an Italian version of Santa Claus.
She's a very, very beloved figure.
-A magical figure, yeah. -Mm-hm.
And, uh, she's kind of a mistress of winter.
Oh! I see. Like Elsa or Mariah Carey.
Uh…
And you must all feel so happy
to finally have Claude back home after all these years.
-Why are you talking like that? -Famiglia is so… What's the word?
-Important. -Does your accent make you forget English?
I'm an empath, so I take on the speech patterns of the people around me.
We are so, so happy because, you know, Claude is like a father to my girls.
Well, I had to be because of the biological father, Vincenzo.
Oh.
This is why I have to be on my best behavior here.
These women will rip you to shreds.
I would never do that.
Well, that's because you're my girl.
Seems like you're doing great here.
Aw, thanks, Kate.
Oh! So you are Kate! You are the one in love with Danny!
Ooh, uh, but I think something's gotten lost in translation. I--
No, I am not in love with Danny.
Ah, okay.
This is my husband.
Okay, okay, if everyone is finished now,
I want to take you all to the Christmas market.
I can't wait to buy something that'll shatter in my carry-on.
You know, I think I'm gonna skip the Christmas market.
I'm going to take a nap.
Thought we had to acclimate.
Yeah, well, I'm just, you know, really wiped.
Maybe I'm getting old.
-Ah… -Okay.
All right, but we go.
"Really wiped out." She acts like she flew you all here on her back.
-Well, I just think she's a little-- -Mad at me? I know what she's a little.
Look, by the laws of marriage, I'm not allowed to engage in this tone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Guys, look, a lot of great options here for an "I'm sorry" present.
Seriously, just tell me what you want.
Jack, you don't have to buy-- Oh, can I get a big cookie?
Yes, you may.
Oh! Are those from your vineyard? Could I get two bottles?
Oh, are those hats?
Annie.
What do you say, Claude? An elegant goblet for an elegant man?
Please, Jack, stop. This is too much.
Look, if you don't pick something,
I'm just gonna buy you this tacky baby Jesus
in a hot air balloon.
I hand make.
Uh, scusi. It's bellissima. Bellissima.
I want to find something for Gino.
How are you doing without them?
Uh, you know, at first,
I was a little "eek" about being alone for the holidays.
But, you know, honestly, it's been nice.
My time is my own.
I can go to bed as early as I want. I can sleep as late as I want.
But you're awake sometimes, right?
In a way, it's easier.
I can make one pot of coffee and sip on it for the whole week
because no one else is there to drink it.
I can just
take some and nuke it and sip on it.
What are these? I keep seeing them everywhere.
Oh, uh, Anne, actually,
that is La Befana.
La Befana?
The one the child said was me?
Yeah.
But she's a witch.
Well, a Christmas witch.
-Everyone loves her. -What am I gonna say?
I thought she was going to be like a blonde lady with a crown of icicles.
Guys, I'm so sorry. Marlena and the kids. They need help setting up the pageant.
Okay, well, uh, you guys go do that,
and I will make sure Kate gets to the church.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey.
I don't see it.
Thank you.
All right.
Careful.
Hey, Anne? Quick question: do you think you're helping?
Sorry. The story of La Befana is insane.
It says here, she turned down a chance
to go with the three wise men to see the baby Jesus
because she wanted to stay home and catch up on housework.
She lived to regret that decision and vowed to spend the rest of her days
handing out candy to children, hoping to one day meet
the Christ child she had missed.
Oh!
What a loser.
I am nothing like her.
Right?
Yeah, I mean, you're the one who keeps bringing it up. Yeah.
Jack, help me carry these two lambs.
Okay.
I think this is everything.
Well, not quite.
I got a little something for you.
Is that "Thank you for my new goblet"?
No, I told you I didn't want this.
We don't care about the turkey.
You got mad. So what? Everybody gets mad.
Get off your lazy ass and come help us!
Fuck you! My knee's being weird!
See? Everybody's mad, nobody gets goblets.
Yeah, but I'm not an angry guy.
We know. We know that. It's over, okay?
-Okay. I-- -Let it go. Let it go.
Okay, I'm just really in my head about it.
And I don't mean to apologize so much. I'm sorry.
Okay.
-Sorry. -Okay.
Oh!
Guys.
Do you have room for two more?
Kate. Kate.
Katherine.
Kathy!
What? I'm up!
Wait. How long was I asleep?
Is it Christmas?
Get up. We have to meet everyone at the church.
But prepare yourself.
We're going in style.
This is a little over the top.
Over the top? I was trying to be nice.
Look, I even paid extra for the driver's festive folklore getup.
Sorry. It's very nice.
Hey, I know you don't love this move.
But trust me, things won't change.
Great.
Can you please not say "great"
like I just bought you an adult coloring book for your birthday?
But listen, okay, honestly,
I bet we see each other as much as we did in New York.
Okay, more, probably. Okay?
What? What is that face? Use your words, Katherine.
Why are we going down an alley?
Wait, this is wrong. Uh--
Scusi! Scusi!
Give me cash and phones.
Oh!
-Okay. -Okay, um…
Just… cool.
Just be cool, be cool. Hey, look. Cool, be cool.
-Also jewelry. -Really?
-Jewelry. -But this is…
Oh, no, no. Just man. Yours cheap.
Ha!
Ah, thank you, man. I feel so much better. I mean, this is what Nick used to do.
He'd make me go do something physical and get it all out.
Oh, that was so fun.
Fun for who? You were a monster out there.
What?
Dude, what the fuck?
How do you say "fuckface" in Italian?
Well, I thought it was a competitive game.
No, it was a get-together for nice dads in the neighborhood.
That was very bad.
Oh, honey!
-I'll get that. -Sure?
-I'll get it. -Okay.
-What? -Uh…
Father Giuseppe,
he has just learned that the woman
who played La Befana in our pageant for the last 40 years
has taken ill.
So we were just wondering if you--
-No! -No?
Why do people keep bringing her up to me?
I am nothing like her.
She is a depressing shut-in, and I am a confident, independent woman
who chooses not to leave the house that much.
Yeah.
Thank you, though. It is a "no," but I appreciate the opportunity.
-Grazie. -Grazie.
Are we sure this is the right way?
No, Katherine, it's the wrong way. I'm just trying to get my steps in.
Okay.
Ah.
Oh, thank God.
Okay. Uh, so, uh, the thing is, um…
This is the wrong church. I was thinking of a different church.
But the good news is,
is that we're high enough up now
that we can find the correct church from up here.
And…
There it is!
Ha! Look!
Yay!
Perfect.
So are we gonna zip line down?
Helpful attitude, but no.
How are we supposed to get to it?
As soon as we go back, we'll be lost again.
I can point my arm like this towards the church
and adjust as needed as we walk.
We'll be fine. Human compass. Look.
You know, my phone had a compass,
but at least now the robber will have pictures of all of Jack's rashes.
Okay, can you not be a Scrooge?
I mean, we're in Italy! Look at the view!
Can you just try to enjoy yourself?
Can you stop selling me?
Ever since we got here, you're like, "Look at the town,
look at the iron work, look what the monks did."
You know what? Adding that unpleasant nasal quality
to your impression of me is really cunty.
You could be thankful that I'm giving you the excuse
to have a European vacation every summer.
My brother in Christ, I am not coming back in the summer.
I cannot fly back and forth to Italy like a fucking olive oil mogul, okay?
And you can lie to yourself all you want, but everything is gonna change.
And that's fine. You know, I will survive, but that is the truth.
Does your compass have a setting for toilet? Because I have to pee.
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm kicking turkeys.
I gave that guy a titty twister.
He's the mayor.
I'm the one who smashed up that snack shack at that funky hotel.
Okay, Jack. I hate to tell you this, but you are an angry guy.
No, I'm not.
The reason I know this is because I'm an angry guy too.
I was always trying to be this happy husband who never disagreed.
And I'd be nice and nice and nice
until I'd snap and throw all of Danny's clothes out the window.
Yeah, that was really bad.
Like the same or worse than all the stuff I did.
Because I never wanted to be mad.
But you can't deal with it if you can say it.
I am mad.
Yeah.
I'm mad about Nick. I was mad at Kate.
Now I'm mad at myself for pushing her away.
You see? Was that so hard?
Oh!
I'm getting us shots.
The pageant is three hours long.
You're different here.
No, I'm different in America.
Here, I feel like myself again.
I'd like to feel like myself again.
You will.
Sorry, everything in Italy closes early on Sundays.
Yeah, well, my bladder has an American work ethic.
Wait! That's a public toilet.
Oh, thank God!
Oh, no!
Now my body's doing that thing that it knows we're near a bathroom.
Why does it do that?
Okay, wait, okay.
Okay, I can boost you up, and you can climb through this window.
All right, all right. Okay, come on.
Just don't, like, make some grunt that I'll hear for the rest of my life.
I won't. Come on.
Oh, Danny!
Sweet Jesus.
Oh my God!
Why are you going in head first?
Katherine! Kick over!
Oh, God! I'm scared! And now I'm peeing!
-No, Katherine, no! -It's going down my butt crack!
It's on my back.
Wait, are you crying?
I shouldn't have moved here.
Hey.
I am La Befana.
Mm.
Maybe we left her alone for a little too long.
She had a chance to leave her house, and she didn't take it, and neither did I.
Um…
What are you talking about?
Nick cheated on me. Years ago. Way before Ginny.
And I almost left him and I chickened out.
If I had left at 47, I could have built a whole new life.
Now it's too late.
Now I'm a weird old witch.
Annie, no, you're not.
But…
If you're really worried,
maybe stop buying necklaces from the museum gift shops.
Claude, come on.
Okay.
This fucking guy again.
Ugh.
I thought you loved it here.
I was trying to sell you on Italy because I was also trying to sell myself.
I mean, it's beautiful, and Claude is so happy,
but it's also weird, you know? Like, some of the police cars are Lamborghinis.
Of course things will change, you know? We won't have moments like this.
Insane, unplanned moments
where we both laugh so hard we make each other pee.
-We both peed? -No, I was being polite.
I'm not a gross animal.
I shouldn't have moved here.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I know.
I am
heartbroken.
You know, when Claude's sister said that I was in love with you--
-I know you hated when she said that. -I really hated that.
Yeah.
I wouldn't blame you for being in love with me. I mean, I am insanely lovable.
I am not in love with you, Danny.
But I do love you.
Because…
in every other part of my life, I'm a mother and a wife and a scary boss.
Mm.
But when I'm with you,
you make me feel like the 19-year-old that I was when we met.
And I feel so far from her.
And you will always have that piece of me.
I know you better than anyone.
And you know me.
That's right.
That's how I know that you are gonna be fine here.
-Yeah. -Okay? You're gonna be fine.
And don't worry about you and me, okay?
Even if we see each other
once every other year, which will suck balls,
it will always feel like this, and we will always be us.
I love you too, Katherine.
Man, you smell like pee.
Look at her. They did it.
-Good? -It's fine.
Hey.
I called you a bunch of times, but you didn't answer. Is everything okay?
Yeah, I was, uh, rekindling my relationship with Danny.
I figured.
-Come. -I missed you, though.
I missed you too.
Thank you, children! That was wonderful.
And now, the moment you have all been waiting for…
La Befana!
Buonasera, bambini!
This is the last appearance for La Befana.
So get a real good look, kids,
because this bitch and all her regrets are out of my life after tonight.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
What was that for?
I'm just happy.
-Yeah? -Mm-hm.
I'm happy too.
I had a great talk with Kate.
-Oh yeah? -Mm-hm.
Has she finally come around on you living here?
Yeah, and honestly, she's helped me come around on living here.
What? How around did you have to come?
No, no, I was just talking to her about, you know, how different things were here,
you know, like Lamborghini police cars.
It's why our crime rates are so low. They get to the scene so fast.
Oh. All I'm saying is that sometimes I feel like an outsider here.
Oh, I see. It's like how I felt when I did that for you for 16 years.
Well, yeah, but that was New York.
I'm not trying to start a fight with you.
It doesn't really matter.
It does matter, actually!
I gave you an out at Thanksgiving, and you didn't take it.
-What? I'm staying. -Danny, if you change your mind.
I'm saying I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't want to go back to America, okay!
Ah--
It's your mom.
Mom.
What's the matter?