There he is.
Knew I'd get a handsome man in here if I waited around long enough.
Had to patch a tire out on County Line.
Too good for a tow?
Too impatient.
You city folk. Always in a hurry.
By God, look who it is!
-He's back! -Hey!
Welcome back, brother!
Don't know why I ever leave. A place to bowl, a place to fish.
And a beer to hold doing it!
Best friends!
We love you, Ted!
Ted!
You still selling PVC?
How's-how's business down there?
Good enough to get me back up here.
Think you could put in a word?
Son, you don't wanna sell pipe.
He just wants to lay some.
Good to have you back, brother.
Split a sixer?
Marjorie's keeping the place open late now?
Yeah. Her mother passed a few months back.
Don't think she wants to go home.
Everybody's runnin' from something.
How's Luisa? She still kick you out of bed
-when you drink? -Yep.
Might as well keep drinking.
Open the register and gimme your wallet!
No, no, no.
-Teddy? -Hello. There's a robbery.
I think this guy's having a heart attack.
Ted, where you going?
Hey! The cops are coming.
Ted! Teddy!
This guy's dying in here!
-Alright, well, shit. -What the hell? What the hell?!
Looks like you learned some things about your body.
I'll make this simple, Ted.
You're not a PVC salesman from two states south.
You're the smartest man who's ever lived,
and you were born 400 light-years away.
You're on Beloi-6E.
It's a primitive planet with good country music
and a shit-ton of snow, real early '90s Earth vibes.
They're 100 years from first contact,
so they don't know who I am, who you are.
Which is the whole point.
You think it's fun to be a god, Ted?
You think God's nipples get hard when he murders a fish?
Th-That's why every summer
I take two weeks off and come here.
I wipe my brain and pull all but my survival tech.
I go home with the peace of mind stupid people get
from watching Kevin Costner movies.
So, look, if you're seeing this because shit's gone sideways,
hit the red button to be me again.
If everything's cool, hit the blue button
to clear this from your memory and enjoy the rest of your trip.
Okay, Morty, that's a wrap on
"If you've been messing with my tech."
Let's run the Taken scenarios.
You here about the dishwasher job?
Shit, you're a popsicle.
You know me, right?
I'd sure like to think so.
I mean it. How could you?
I'm just some guy who shows up every year.
Well, something keeps you coming back here.
Lay back. I got a surprise for you.
Got this set up since your last visit.
It's nice.
Haven't really found occasion to use it.
Thanks for giving me one.
I don't mind the company.
You still have that spare room in back?
I don't want to sleep in the RV.
Don't go.
I'm not gonna.
Okay, obviously, you're seeing this hologram
because you ignored the instructions from the last one.
If you're seeing this hologram, you decided to ignore the hologram.
It'd mean you went pretty rogue.
So just a gentle reminder,
you're not a real person, you're me.
You're permanently fucking up your vacation spot,
which hurts you more than it hurts me.
Though, in all honesty, we're both getting hurt pretty severely...
Ted, one of these days, you gotta come up in July.
I caught a muskie last summer came about up to my neck.
-Stop lying to the man. -No fish in this lake.
Actually, thought I might stick around this year.
-See the thaw. -For real, Teddy?
You're gonna... You're gonna stay?
What about your company?
Doesn't seem real.
It's like I've been pretending I go somewhere when I leave,
but I think I only exist when I'm here.
Like this is literally the only place I'm actually alive.
Does that... make sense?
Good thing nobody's driving tonight.
Hey!
Fuck me.
-Hello? Rick? Rick! -Who is this?
I'm really gonna get in trouble for this.
How are you calling my leg?
I'm not supposed to ever use the leg phone,
but I-I just need you to get in the egg.
Don't pick a fight with yourself, okay?
I just want to get you home before anything worse happens.
Nothing's worse than finding out I'm some character
that asshole plays, some costume he puts on to--
He doesn't need you alive to bring you home.
It's not my home! I'm not him!
You are. I mean, I agree with you.
He can be kind of a dick, but y'know, this...
this is just how it is.
No! Help! Help!
And if you could just hang up the leg phone?
I'll just... I'll never hear the end of it
if the leg phone gets lost.
Hello? Hello?
Ted!
Ted, are you okay?
-Thank you. -What is this thing, Ted?
I'm not who you think I am.
Is this your ship from space?
Your spaceship?
It's his.
He's non-vacation me.
I don't know him. And I don't want to.
But this asshole's coming for me
and I don't intend to let him win.
For the love of Pete.
Do you understand what you're asking?
I wouldn't ask at all if there were any other way.
Janice, Mary, I gotta send you home.
We're closing early.
-Come on! -We're only three frames in!
Thank you.
Nobody gonna take me seriously.
Janice's gonna have her word...
Promise me you won't come back here tonight.
Always were dramatic.
Promise.
I just... Don't die in my bowling alley.
You hear me?
Holy hell.
-How's it going out there, Bowser? -All good.
Sprinklers, Antonio?
Working on it. Little Mike?
Okay, Big Mike.
Now!
We need those sprinklers, Antonio!
It's not working.
-There's too many! -Fry 'em!
Mike!
Follow me, ya drone bastards!
Teddy, drop!
-Yes! -Come on! Rack' em up!
Time for a beer!
Fuck you, you self-centered prick!
Who's not a real person now, huh?
Marjorie!
Why'd you come back?
I told you not to come back.
You know me.
I'm a stubborn old bitch.
Never could leave.
Oh, my God.
I'm... sorry.
Where you going, Teddy?
Uh... Ted?
He thought he could come here and destroy me,
so I'm gonna go there and destroy him.
Whattaya need from us?
I need you to leave.
I clearly can't keep you safe.
I can't keep anyone safe!
Well, we won't let Marjorie die for nothing.
Yeah, he may be one bad son of a bitch,
but you have us.
Where you go, we go.
There you are, motherfucker.
Uh, how long has it been since you flew, Mike?
I never flew anything like this.
We'll be okay.
Luisa, te veré de nuevo.
Boosters are go. Nav system, go. Big Mike, on my count.
Initiating in three, two, one.
Up the pressure!
It's not responding! We gotta turn back!
We can't turn back!
Keep her together!
Equalizing now! We're almost clear of orbit!
Hold her! Hold her!
Are you seeing this?
It's amazing.
That was the easy part. Hold on to your dicks.
Okay, if you're... if you're seeing this one,
clearly the-the holograms are-are... they're not working.
Let's get him, boys!
Forcibly deactivating vacation mode.
Whatever you're doing out here has broken the garbage disposal.
Turn this thing off, or I fry her!
Dad, do you want to call off Deliverance here?
My God. You're his daughter?
It's unbelievable that I'm not allowed to buy alcohol yet.
Garage, override code Charlie 7 alpha.
Take her out, Mike!
Wait! Don't hurt her.
Jeez, you're back!
Oh, wait. Are you still Vacation Rick?
Please tell me you have the leg phone.
You spring breakers put a hole in my roof.
I'm going back out to the pool.
Hey, buddy, you made it all the way home.
And you brought your-- your little buds.
-Ted? -Stand down.
-They didn't ask for this. -You can say that again.
Somebody better get the disposal running.
There's fishbones in there.
It's called a garbage disposal!
That was your voice on my leg phone.
You're his friend?
Kind of. I'm your grandson.
Well, it looks like we're gonna be here for a while, huh?
Where's that fucking red button?
Hey, uh, me? Hologram guy?
-Garage? -Yes?
Y-You can hear me.
Where's this guy keep his tools?
Holy shit.
Hey, Teddy.
As long as you're building spaceman stuff...
Yeah. Alright!
I'm gonna get another drink.
Come on, Ted. We were beating you before this too.
-Gimme another pitcher. -Sure.
Are you one of those hicks with robot arms?
What'd you call me?
I thought you guys were owning it.
I'll make it interesting, Teddy.
Tough luck! That's a hard spare to hit.
Guys, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
What are you doing out here?
-Beth made pancakes. -I'm busy.
You're wearing his clothes now.
It has pockets, it's not a symbol.
Teddy, you know what would be cool?
If I had laser eyes.
Or, okay, one eye is a laser,
and the other sees through clothes.
What the hell is that?!
Just go in.
I can see our bowling alley. We're going home.
So, we won? We beat this guy?
-Sure. -Yeah!
-We did it! -We're goin' home, boys!
And, uh, you'll gimme lasers when we, uh, get back home?
Hey, want me to keep an eye on your old stuff?
Sell it if you want. Buy Luisa something nice.
He looks pretty normal to me.
Talk to him, then.
-Dad? -Oh, God!
He's still Ted, apparently.
There's a difference?
You see what I'm saying?
I'm not staying if I can't swim.
Well, look who's back.
Came to pour one out for Marjorie.
Marjorie's over there.
This is Little Mike.
Oh, Jesus.
He got run through on his own robot arm.
-My boy! -Fuck.
He was drunk.
Guess he had something in his eye.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen, you guys.
It was just nice to vacation with dumb people.
You did this,
you fake outsider piece of shit.
-Morty. -We're in the middle of a game.
Morty, Grandpa needs you.
Grandpa needs you, Morty.
-Come on, it'll just take a minute. -Uh, okay, Rick.
I mean, Ted. What are we... What are we calling him now?
Jesus! That's really dangerous!
It's empty, I-I don't know how to...
How do we get more, Morty? We gotta get more.
Oh, great, the one time I was winning.
Can you take your grandfather
back out to the garage, please, Morty?
That is a troubling family dynamic.
Everybody knows that, right?
We can discuss it after we get this thing off your father.
Know what... Know what, Morty?
I'm not going back there ever.
Stupid bowling.
Bottle-shooting morons. Idiot trophy.
Aw, wait, no, you don't wanna keep some of these?
You look so happy.
-Don't shred me, Rick! -It's trash now, Morty! Drop it!
I'm sorry I tried to shred you, Morty.
Y-Y-You're a nice kid, a good boy.
You should have your grandpa.
Not this... I'm-I'm too stupid, Morty.
Stupid Ted.
If I were just a little bit smarter, I could...
I-I could figure it out.
And be happy.
I'm gonna push the button, Morty.
I'm gonna do it for you.
If that makes you feel better?
Is he...
Is he better at this?
Rick? Um, yeah.
Yeah, he is. You are.
Don't-don't bullshit me, Morty.
No, you're really smart, really important.
You have a great family, and-and lots of friends.
You're so happy.
And we all really love you.
Aw, fuck it.
It... It didn't work?
No.
It did.
We've always known you as a tourist on our little island.
But now we're gonna know you as part of our family.
I love you, Sallpock.
Mush-mush-molock.
I didn't think I was the kind of man...
Sorry. I, um--
We love you, Sallpock!
Should anyone object, speak now or forever hold your peace.
-Yeah, I object. -It's a rhetorical statement!
Shouldn't we let it play out? He's not in danger.
I've never seen these people before in my life.
Okay, Grandpa Rick. Let's go. Vacation's over.
It's not my vacation! It's my home!
No, no! Let me go! No!
Boom. Egged!
It's okay.
He's an alien who removes his intelligence
to hook up with locals.
He likes that you're simple.
He doesn't want to be known.