No, no, no, no, no!
Pat, I swear, your voice just seems to get better and better.
You sure you didn't go to Juilliard or something?
I did use to have a friend named Julie
when I was a kid, and we did play in her yard.
Sometimes we would sing.
Oh, my God! Patrick Montgomery, I swear,
if there was an Olympic competition for dorky jokes,
I'd be married to a gold medalist.
Your voice has gotten better.
Well, how about me? I sing like a swallow.
No need to get competitive.
Life is a competition, don't they say?
Don't you like to say that, Pastor Jackie?
Never. I don't believe I ever even thought it.
We should all be thinking about it
if we're serious about winning the church volleyball league.
And maybe we should consider opening our doors to the Congregationalists.
Don Awrey is 6'5" and spikes like a madman.
He is great.
Well, you know, I dated a Congregationalist once,
and he insisted on prayin' before goin' car parking.
No, wait! No, he's Episcopalian!
What about you, Don?
Are you ever gonna join the team?
- Volleyball's not my thing. - Not enough mayhem.
He gravitates towards viciousness. That's why he went into law.
Didn't you play professional football?
- For the Washington Redskins. - Yes!
Nah, I tried out, I didn't make the team.
And it kills him to this day.
I'm gonna go get some potato salad.
I'll race you.
We should really get going soon because the chart says
that I'm going to reach peak fertility around 1:00 PM
today, so.
Oh, right.
Little bit slower.
Little bit slower!
And be sure to emit as you propulse forward.
- Evidently, that's helpful. - Really?
- Here. Try to go deeper. - I'm going as deep as I can, Betty.
No, you have been deeper before.
If you can squirt rather than drip, that helps, too.
But, slower.
Deeper!
And squirt!
- Keep going, honey. You're doing great. - Do I have to sing it?
Yes.
If you wanna keep filling that sweet little heart of yours up with joy!
- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey, hey!
- Come in! - All right.
And why do I have the pleasure
of a house call from my favorite pastor?
Well.
It's not exactly pleasure, I'm afraid. And...
I might stop being your favorite pastor.
What's goin' on?
Bill's gone.
He wants a divorce.
It's been comin' for a long time.
I know that you've been struggling some.
Sweetie, sing louder.
That's good.
You will get through this. I will drag you through this.
- I'm scared. I'll admit it. - What about?
For starters, how will I lead the congregation?
You're gonna lead us the same as you always have.
And being single, after 23 years of marriage.
I'm not sure I even know how to put one foot in front of the other.
So you just need to look at this as a new beginning.
A new destiny.
- It's not fair. - It's my job, Betty.
The whole point of that new job was that you wouldn't have to travel.
As much. And I don't.
Well, it's not normal for a husband and wife to be apart.
That's all I'm saying.
Right, but we're talking about four days here.
Four critical days during peak fertility.
Didn't the doctors say that you might get pregnant easier if you stress less?
- So it's my fault. - I didn't say that.
- Of course, you did. You did. - No, I didn't.
And you might consider that it's your traveling that's causing my stress.
Okay.
So, the thing is, Jackie, our minister,
she's not just out of town on church business.
She chose not to be here today.
Because I'm on the church council,
she felt it better that I break the news first.
Jackie and her husband Bill are getting a divorce.
It happens.
Get over it. Pastors are people like everybody else.
I see some of you squirming in your seats,
like you suddenly got pine cones up your butts.
Well, I tell you, if you ever did get a pine cone up your keister,
you'd be squealing like a pig.
And Jackie Ponder would be the first one runnin' to your aid.
So let's run to hers.
Not the time to be high-horse, moral dopes.
Let's just get on with being good Methodists.
We can start tonight
by kicking some Lutheran butts at volleyball.
I got it!
Betty, hey. Hi.
Thought you'd be playing tonight.
Sitting this one out.
Understood.
Yeah. Makes sense.
I got it!
- What makes sense? - What?
My sitting this game out makes sense.
- Why does it make sense? - Well, if you are expecting,
it makes sense that you'd steer clear of any
intense physical activity.
What makes you think I'm expecting?
No, no, I'm sorry.
I just heard you and Allan were trying.
I...
I apologize. I overstepped.
- Betty, I'm really sorry. - It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
You really do have a wonderful singing voice.
Thank you. Thank you.
Got it, got it, got it!
Are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Good. Okay. - You don't wanna sit for a bit?
No, I'm fine, Allan. I'm fine, thank you.
- Alright. - Thanks.
Sorry. I gotta communicate.
What do you mean he smelled like sex?
I mean he smelled like sex.
- Are we talkin' about the same Allan Gore? - Oh yeah. I know.
I know, but how a man looks and smells can be two totally different things.
And plus.
Plus what?
Well, I was kind of
gettin' the sense that he was likin' the smell of me, too.
Like it could maybe go in that direction.
What direction?
- I'm not sayin' that I would ever-- - Candy!
It's just this whole thing with Jackie.
Maybe it's just kind of opened up a can.
What can?
The "content is not all it's cracked up to be" can.
You know, my father, he used to say to me,
"Candy, if you ain't growing, you're dying."
And he would also say,
"If you ain't searching
you're lost."
Allan Gore?
I mean, he'd be "fall-in-love-proof," anyway.
Just take a look at him.
Who could be more "fall-in-love-proof" than that?
Gary, would you like to share your poem?
Okay. It's short.
That's fine. Some of my favorite poems are short.
Haikus are quite wonderful, in fact.
"On my brand new toilet
I did the same thing."
It's about the folly of materialism.
God, I totally get it.
We all think that we can change our lives with stuff, you know?
I do it all the time with shoes or whatever.
If I could just have that or just get this things will be different.
Mine's actually got a similar theme about "wanting."
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Let's hear it, Candy. - Okay.
- It's called, "My Heart Asked." - What a lovely title.
"My heart asked, 'What's the answer?'
"I said, 'What answer?' It said, 'You know.'
"I said, 'I don't know. I give up. What's the answer?'
"And the heart said,
'The answer is don't give up.'"
- Good night, Sherry. - See you at home.
- Bye, Candy! - See ya.
Allan! Hi!
- Hey, Candy. - Hey.
I want to talk to you sometime about
something that's been bothering me a little.
How about right now?
Sure.
I've been thinking about you a lot,
and it's really been bothering me, and I'm not
sure whether I want you to do anything about it or not.
I'm very attracted to you.
And I'm just tired of thinkin' about it, so I wanted to tell you that.
You seriously got in his car?
I did.
- And told him you were thinking about him? - I did.
And what did he say?
He said, "Oh. Okay."
- That's it? - Pretty much.
Are you sure this is really about Allan Gore
and not about you wantin' to be reckless?
Maybe a little of both.
But also men, they get to go to their jobs
and live in their careers and
we just stay home and
God, that's supposed to be enough.
Look at our kids right now on that jungle gym.
It is human nature to take risks.
To go for somethin' with a little thrill at the risk of falling.
I mean, look at their faces.
They are more alive than we are.
It's not appropriate.
- Why? - Because it's not.
Where did you even get all of this stuff?
Jenny's mom.
You're gonna have to pick another costume.
- Why? - I told you, it's not appropriate,
- especially for a girl your age. - Dad!
No, no! Never mind.
I will not have you out on the streets trick or treating as a trollop.
We will find something better.
This is why I did not want her seeing that movie!
- "Grease"? That's a family picture, honey. - No, no.
It's a bunch of talk of girls putting out.
- You're judging me. - I am not judging you.
Allan, you do some of your best commentary with silence.
One of the reasons
why I go silent is because when you get like this,
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what you want me to say.
The first time I took my wife out, I knew she wasn't smart.
Why's that.
I took her to a drive-in movie, you know,
and I asked if she wanted to go in the back seat, you know.
She said she'd rather use the ladies' room!
But the day I got married, that was something.
Everybody was crying.
During the ceremony, her mother cried, you know?
All the way to the hotel, my wife cried.
And when she got undressed, I cried, you know?
Did you read my short?
Sorry?
My short story from writing class. I asked if you would read it.
I did. Excellent.
Yeah? What was it about?
It was about swans.
What about swans?
Wow. If I knew there was gonna be a test, I would've studied harder.
Then study harder, Pat.
You have a Ph.D.
Yep. Not in swans, though.
Yep.
- Let me read it again. - My car, I tell you, Johnny.
- Bad car? - I got the only car
dogs chase it, they catch it.
I told the graduating class...
It's not about repainting or redoing. We need a new sanctuary.
Well, a church is more about its parishioners than its hardscape, Jo Ann.
That may be well and true, but this church
isn't gonna be anything if we don't grow the congregation.
And for that, we need a new facility.
It's not just that it's old, Jackie. It's crappy.
Nobody looking for a new house of worship wants crappy.
It should make a statement.
Especially if we wanna draw the younger couples.
Well, aren't we supposed to be the younger couples?
Where's your head, Allan?
I'm sorry? What?
Where's your head? You think we need a new sanctuary?
- Well-- - You know, the thing about
religion and life and love
is that there's renewal in it.
And, to me, nothing sells renewal better than
you know, something new.
I agree. We need a major building.
So if we look at our finances
year-to-date, and we see
that we are already...
Well, you would think the teams themselves would have to clean up, not the referees,
but I suppose that would just make too much sense, wouldn't it?
Well, are we still on for coffee tomorrow?
Is the sun still planning to rise?
Well, I'll call you!
So is Betty not feeling too good again?
Some headaches and so forth. Probably stress-related.
You haven't got any tricks up your sleeve to relax your bride, Allan?
Betty's seen all my tricks.
Well, this is me.
You tell her that I hope she's feeling better and
she can always drop Alisa off if she wants to rest.
- I'll tell her that. Thank you. - Yeah.
You sure I can trust you two alone?
Well, good night.
Candy.
Before, in the car.
What exactly was it that you had in mind?
Get in.
Would you be interested in having an affair?
It's just something I've been thinkin' about
and so I wanted to say it, so I don't have to think about it anymore.
Okay. Well, I got my answer.
No, no, it's just.
I don't think I could.
You know, I love Betty.
And when we were living in New Mexico, she had an affair.
Betty did?
Well, I can't believe that.
I know. I couldn't believe it either.
It hurt me a lot and I wouldn't want to do that to her.
That's fine, Allan.
I love Pat, too, and I wouldn't wanna do anything
to hurt him either.
- I like Pat. - Yeah.
He has the best voice in the choir.
- Also, Betty just got pregnant again. - Really?
Just recently.
So that would really be unfair to her.
Especially since I don't feel the same way about you
that I do about her.
So, I probably couldn't do something like that.
Okay.
I was just putting the option out there because of how I felt.
But I certainly don't want to hurt you or your marriage.
All I wanted to do was
go to bed.
But I won't mention it again.
Good night.
I feel so humiliated.
It's probably for the best, sweetheart.
Well, I wasn't looking for what's best. I was out for something more transcendent.
And he broached it! He invited the conversation.
What exactly did he say?
He asked me what I had in mind when he knew very well what I had in mind.
And then he climbed into my car. I mean, come on.
And why did he kiss me?
Right on the lips.
It wasn't exactly passionate.
But it wasn't a brotherly kiss either.
Well, men kiss all the time when they don't mean it.
No, I think he's waitin' for me to make it happen.
He doesn't wanna hate himself for being unfaithful to Betty.
So he's waitin' for me to make it happen.
Well, he can forget about that.
I played my cards, and that will be that.
Mornin'.
Well, my word in Heaven, are you a bird?
No, wait. You're a plane, aren't you?
I'm Superman!
You're Superman! You're a man of steel!
And you might be the super-est one I have ever seen.
- Well, thank you. - Well, you're welcome. Hey, honey!
- Hey, Mom. - You're back already, huh?
- Just to drop off. I filled my pumpkin. - Yes, you did.
I'm just gonna go dump it and come back out.
Well, what do you expect to do with all that candy, young lady?
- I'll trade with Ian. - Okay.
- Thanks for walking with them. - Sure, sure.
Did you see Pat and Ian on your travels?
I did see a pretty scary Elvis.
Yep, that would be Pat.
Him and Elvis, it's kinda hard to tell them apart.
Come on, Dad. Let's go.
- Okay. Bye. - Trick or treat!
Oh, my goodness, look at you! Buzz, buzz, buzz!
If I could only have a brain!
Look how cute you guys look. And look at you.
Don't sting me! The Wicked Witch of the West!
Happy birthday to you
- Oh, my God. - I brought you a confection.
Yes.
And at the bakery, they said if we ate it before 10:00 AM,
it won't make our asses fat.
At least, not completely.
- Then, shall we? Hurry up! - Yes, we shall!
This is why your people follow you.
Yeah. I let them eat cake.
So, listen.
I don't like the sound of that.
Remember I told you about that other job offer
I had at Midwestern University?
- Which you turned down. - Yeah, well.
- It turns out I reconsidered. - What do you mean?
It was pointed out that the bishop doesn't make offers like this every day.
- But it's in Wichita Falls. - I'll come back and forth.
What do you mean you'll come back and forth?
It's, like, 200 miles away.
Candy, this is my next calling.
What am I gonna do?
- You're my best friend. - Our friendship won't change.
No, but you won't be here.
- And who's gonna replace you? - We'll find somebody great.
Somebody who can get the new sanctuary built.
Oh, my God.
You are the only one I have to talk to here, Jackie.
That is not true. You have Sherry.
And you're the belle of the ball at church.
I mean Sherry is Sherry but
honey, you're my heart.
Hello?
Candy. Hi, it's Allan. Allan Gore.
- Hey. - Hey. Hi.
I have to go to McKinney tomorrow to get my tires checked and rotated,
and I know it's a drive,
but I was wondering if you might like to have some lunch with me.
You know, to talk a little more about what we were talking about before.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Well, how's 12:00?
- I'll meet you there. - Okay.
- Meet you there. Bye-bye. - Okay.
- Where were we? - Who was that?
- It's just somebody. - Somebody?
Somebody I'm thinkin' about having an affair with.
You told me that 'cause you want me to talk you out of it.
Pat and I, we...
Well, we kind of hit a plateau.
Every marriage hits one of them.
Well, I suppose yours did and you did nothing about it.
Meaning what? If I'd had an affair, Bill would still be taking out my garbage?
I'm talking about my garbage right now, and not wanting to settle for it.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Pat is not garbage.
Candy, I got front-door friends and back-door friends.
Front-door friends show up when they have a reason.
They knock. They say the right thing.
Back-door friends, they just bang in through the kitchen door
and drop whatever's on their mind.
You are my best back-door friend
so I am gonna drop my mind on your table here.
This will come to no good.
Jackie, I have done all the things a wife is supposed to do.
The house, the kids, the meals.
Where is the payback?
Honey.
This is the payback.
Take it from me. Somebody who lost it.
I can see your mind's made up.
- Thanks again, Ronnie. - You're welcome.
- Don't work too hard. - All right.
Hi! You're here.
- Hi. - Hey.
Brought you this little card.
That is so sweet.
There you are.
Thank you.
I just worry, you know?
Jackie is the church, when you think about it.
I just hope she doesn't become a stranger.
Well, how can she not? At least a little.
Wichita Falls is a three-hour drive last I checked.
And, frankly, I don't know how we're gonna go about replacing her.
And I don't wanna belong to some stodgy-podgy church.
- No, that would be awful. - Awful.
Well, should we talk about our kids now?
Or maybe more Pat.
He was a champion trumpeter in high school. Did I cover that?
I'm sorry. I've never done anything like this before.
I haven't either.
I would never be able to forgive myself if Betty ever found out.
That would just be devastating to her.
I feel the same.
We would have to be so careful that no one would ever know except us.
That's right.
I've been thinking a lot about what you said about
just wanting to go to bed,
not getting too emotionally involved and so forth.
That would be very important to me.
Me, too, Allan.
God, I just wanna enjoy myself.
Without hurting myself or anyone else.
Well,
I think we should think about it some more.
Think about the hazards and decide
whether or not we're willing to take the risk.
Fine. Yeah, I think we should.
So, that's the plan then? Think about it some more?
I think so.
I'm not sure how many more of these strategy session I can take.
Yeah, I know.
- We just can't be too careful. - You know,
if you don't go to bed with me pretty soon,
you'll never be able to live up
to the expectations I have of you in bed.
Yeah, don't think I haven't thought about that.
Maybe just one more planning session.
- We can have it here. - At your house?
Yeah, we can meet for lunch. People need to eat, right?
How was work today?
It's pretty good. Kind of the same.
Have you been going over your list, Allan?
- I'm sorry, what? - The list.
The list of potential baby names.
- I will. - You will?
Yeah.
Okay.
If either of us wants it to end for whatever reason, then it ends.
Agreed.
If either of us get too emotionally involved, then it ends.
We should make that rule number one.
Sure. Okay.
Okay. And if we start taking risks
that shouldn't be taken, then the affair ends.
- And we should always meet out of town. - Agree, agree, agree.
All expenses, gas, motel, food, will be shared equally.
We'll meet only on weekdays, and I'll be in charge
of fixing lunch on the days that we meet,
so that we just have more time.
And I'll also be in charge of getting the motel room.
Same reason. It just gives us more quality time.
Shall we
set a date for the affair to begin?
Let's go with December 12th.
December 12th?
This year.
Great.
December 12th it is.
Oh, Margaret, you don't know what it does to me,
being near you all day in surgery, only able to touch...
You alright?
I'm good.
This song gives me goosebumps.
I'm the same way about "Pennsylvania 6-5000."
What are you doin'?
What am I doin'?
You once told me that your favorite character was Snugglepuss.
Did you not tell me that, Pat?
Snagglepuss.
Hey, angel girl.
Come out smarter than you go in.
I will, Mom.
- And no talking to boys. - You're so silly.
Okay, buddy. Next stop, preschool.
Hello?
I'm at the Continental Inn
on the Central Expressway towards Dallas, room 214.
I will be there in a few minutes.
What am I doin'?
...and show our boys some red and blue pride.
...time for a couple of calls.
Hello, Darcy. Welcome to The Dan Ram Show.
Hey, Dan, thanks for taking my call.
I made lunch.
Well, you look beautiful. Really beautiful.
Thank you.
- Well, we should eat. - Excellent.
Wow. Looks delicious.
Sorry.
You know, I've probably driven past this motel a thousand times
and hardly knew it was here.
Yeah, it's funny that way.
Life. You know, the
bland and innocuous can
suddenly take on vivid hues and colors.
I take a creative writing class.
- Well, that was really good. - Thank you.
I would love to read some of your writing sometime.
Really?
Well, that would make one of you
'cause Pat has no interest,
and I read all of his stuff on electromagnetics--
Are we talking about Pat now?
No, sorry. We're definitely not.
Are you just gonna stand there?
Yes.
Sorry.
Allan, have you never been French kissed before?
You've never had a woman's tongue in your mouth?
Well, I think you're gonna quite like it.
- Are you okay? - I am.
So okay.
- You? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That was wonderful, Candy.
You're wonderful.
We need to shower.
I probably should have added that to the list.
Always shower after
and that way, we won't smell like each other.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, and Allan.
Allan.
That was
wonderful.
Okay.