[heist music playing]
[Wolf] Thousands of years ago, in a time before crime,
a dastardly crook of a wolfanderthal brazenly pulled a string of heists,
the first ever in history.
Heistory! Missed it!
Our hero's name was Thalia,
and her courageous exploration of the frontier of crime
prompted the formation of the earliest security guard squad.
[scoffs] Bunch of goons.
Thalia successfully evaded her foes time and time again,
until… she met her end,
falling into a frozen lake while being pursued.
Thalia was preserved for millennia
in this block of ice right here.
What an icon. The cave paintings don't do her justice.
You know, I did a DNA test for fun,
and it turns out Thalia is a direct ancestor.
- Heisting is in my blood. - [sighs]
Thalia's been such an inspiration to me since I started criming,
which I know may sound cheap, since I said the same thing about Loup,
but he was just a figment of my imagination, and Thalia's real.
[chuckling] Obviously.
Since you all can see her, right?
Now, let's all just keep looking right at her
and rambling about how great she is.
This is a chance to learn about our origins.
We've come so far, but what's next for The Bad Guys?
How do we become the best, worst Bad Guys we can be?
Just imagine crime back in her day.
It was pure.
No modern distractions, like…
electricity.
- [Snake chuckles] - [Shark] Hoo-hoo!
Hey! What's going on?
[beeping]
Warn me before you steal something next time?
[buzzer]
[sinister music playing]
[ice cracking]
[heist music playing]
[engine revving]
[hisses]
[tires screeching]
[yawns] I slept like a baby after that heist we pulled last night.
You didn't heist anything.
You whispered to an ice block for 20 minutes
while we lifted that necklace.
Uh, the accomplishments of the team are the accomplishments of the lead--
[screaming]
I'm flying! You're flying!
Do I smell smoke?
[Thalia grunting]
Thalia?
[gasps, snarls]
- I'm hallucinating again. - She's real, and trying to cook us!
Mm. Nope, nope, nope.
[yelling]
[panting]
[screaming]
How is this possible? [whimpers]
The cryochamber must have glitched when I cut the power.
She thawed out and followed us home!
A living wolfanderthal.
Freaky,
but cool!
[gasps]
Whoa!
And… maybe I spoke too soon.
[snarls]
- Her loot. She wants her loot back. - [snarls]
Go on, take it.
Huh?
[Thalia grunts]
Us, friends.
Thieves.
Bad Guys.
F-friends.
Th-thieves.
Bad.
[Webs] Aww! They look like siblings.
What? I love siblings.
I have, like, 200 of them.
Egg sac babies, represent!
[stomach growling]
[grunts] Hungry.
Hungry? She's hung…
Of course! You haven't eaten in literal centuries.
Snake, your push pops, please.
They're the best-tasting thing we've got. Come on.
No.
[munching]
A former freeze pop eating all my freeze pops.
Oh, the irony.
So, what do we do with her?
We can't really shove her back into her freezer.
It would be inhumane.
It's pretty cool that the first thief was a lady.
I mean, we're hanging with the originator of crime.
Talk about a clout machine.
I like the way you think, Webs.
Thalia could join The Bad Guys.
What's badder than the first thief? I'm calling a vote.
I already can't believe I know four people.
I don't have room in my life for a fifth,
even if she does have an impressive resume.
Come on, Snake.
Thalia's our criminal predecessor. She walked so we could run.
If she hadn't worked up the nerve to steal back then, where would we be?
I could be a…
[groans] …a guard.
- [gasps] - Yikes!
Guards are the worst! Am I right?
So right, Fin Bro.
[laughs nervously]
We'd never be friends with a guard,
which is why we're totally on board with Thalia joining.
And she already likes us so much.
Look at her adoring gaze.
[grunts] Big push pop!
Snake, come on. We'll call it a trial run.
All right, all right.
Looks like we just got the newest member of The Bad Guys.
We're gonna learn a thing or two from Thalia's criminal instincts.
[Webs] I already have.
- [Thalia panting] - Little help?
No, no, no, no, no. Hey.
No eating Webs, okay?
All right, Thalia.
Ready to show us what crime is all about?
- [alarm ringing] - [panting]
[engine revving]
[siren wailing]
[Thalia grunting]
[Snake] Yeah, I'm pretty sure crime is not about throwing the loot out of the car.
[Thalia howls]
So, uh, Thalia's criminal instincts might be a bit rusty.
But let's not blame our mistakes on the newbie.
She did keep trying to lock us in the vault.
Ooh! Maybe she wanted to nab all the loot for herself.
That is pretty criminal,
trying to throw us under the bus like that.
Okay, but she also set off the alarms.
Twice!
[panting] Thalia like alarm.
Go whee-whoo! Whee-whoo!
She's still catching up with the times.
Just you wait. Her instincts will kick in any second now.
Thalia, alarms bad.
No like alarms.
Whee-whoo! Whee-whoo!
- Oh, yeah! - [laughter]
[fire crackling]
Here's your cut of the take.
- Can eat push pop? - [Shark] No!
It's very valuable. Definitely no eating money.
Then why valuable?
Because, uh…
I guess because society says it is?
[sniffs, gasps]
Smell! Tree!
That's some nose you got.
Money is paper, and paper is made from trees.
Tree make fire big!
[gasps]
- Rock 'n' roll! - What is she doing?
Wolf, stop her!
Why is money valuable?
It's all just a construct.
I've been watching you.
I watch you.
Trying to get us caught earlier so you could keep the money,
then burning that money 'cause you know you can steal more.
You're the real deal, aren't you?
A pure criminal, just like me.
Which is why I'm gonna teach you the secrets of safe-cracking.
Safe crack?
Put your ear here,
then slowly turn the dial. [gasps]
[yells]
- Safe crack! - [dial thudding]
Y-you don't literally crack it! Now we'll never get the loot inside!
Never.
Ow! I take back everything I said. We're nothing alike, you little--
You little.
Whoa!
- [screams] - [Thalia panting]
Uh, Wolfie, I'm starting to think that maybe we were wrong about Thalia.
Come on. That's just her criminal instincts.
Besides, who hasn't wanted to stone Snake?
She did try to roast me.
Maybe Thalia wasn't trying to roast you.
Maybe she was trying to keep you warm
because she doesn't want you turning into a freeze pop, like she did.
Speaking of food…
Yeah, Shark and I were thinking we should re-stock the fridge,
since Thalia's emptied it out.
She does have a crazy appetite.
We're gonna make a quick run to the grocery store
for some, uh, ham hocks.
- Yeah. - To the big meat!
I can't believe we lied. What if they find out?
Whoa! We can't let that happen.
We'd lose criminal cred if the team knew we were friends with--
There's my guys!
- [screaming] - Whoa!
Calm down, buddies.
Phew! Guard Gary.
Seeing you in your uniform still makes us jump. [chuckles]
I get it. But you're safe in the Friend Zone.
[clears throat] "Criminals and law enforcement
must put aside differences and coexist in peace."
By playing with dice!
- [chuckles] - [dice rattling]
We can't get enough of them since you introduced us.
Wahoo!
[chuckling] I get you. Dice are wild. You never know where they'll land.
Just like life.
I mean, we never thought we'd be friends with you, Gary,
but here we are.
Three pals eternally bound by the love of the die.
Live and let die!
Check out my under-the-leg knuckle-toss.
I'm going for a curve die.
[laughs] That's nothing!
[alarm wailing]
Dicing on the cake!
Whoo! [laughs]
- Dice guys finish first! - [laughs]
- Who's up for dice dominos? - [laughter]
- Oh, yeah! - [phone vibrating]
[gasps] Crud!
I forgot the Friend Zone doesn't get reception.
Twenty missed calls from Webs, and 200 messages?!
"Where are you two? Need ham hocks."
"Thalia's hungry. Trying to eat me."
"Help! Lair. Now."
[panting]
[both gasp]
- What happened here? - I'll tell you what happened.
Thalia's so-called criminal instincts are a sham.
She fails everything we throw at her, she's destroyed the lair,
and worst of all, she's keeping us from going on heists!
Uh-uh. I'd argue that the worst part is her repeatedly trying to eat me.
Wolf, face facts. This isn't working!
You just don't understand Thalia.
She embodies a… a pure form of crime. Our approach to this has been all wrong.
We've been trying to get Thalia to crime like us,
but we're the ones who need to be more like her.
This is ridiculous!
We don't have anything to learn
from an ancient lady who barks at the toaster.
[gasps, grunts]
Come on. Think about it.
Maybe, to become the best criminals we could be now, we need to look back.
Who understands crime better than its inventor? What do we have to lose?
- [Webs gasps] - [sniffs]
Our dignity!
[Webs groans]
She doesn't heist for the loot. She heists for the act of heisting itself.
Detach from the material.
- Enough burning money! - We're not gonna have anything left!
You thinking what I'm thinking?
[Webs] Where do you two keep running off to?
We need all hands on deck for this wolfanderthal.
[both] Uh… Um…
[in unison] Ham hocks!
[Wolf laughs]
Safe crack!
[Snake groans]
[Snake yells, grunts]
You're just so in touch with your primal side.
This, I gotta try.
Be wolf at my most wolf. Really channel my inner criminal.
[clears throat] Safe crack!
[howls]
[Snake groans]
You're not gonna bash me too, are you?
[growls]
[gasps]
Whoa! Whoa!
[Wolf howls]
[whooping, laughter]
All right!
I'm feeling guilty about ditching the team.
We're Bad Guys.
We're supposed to do wrong. Right?
Hey, are you two all right? You seem a little distracted.
[sighs] You'd probably rather be playing a real game, like cribbage.
Uh… What? No! Don't be silly, Gary.
Everything out there is the game.
But here, in the Friend Zone, there are no rules.
We can just be ourselves.
There's nowhere we'd rather be.
[Thalia] No hack!
- [Webs whimpers] - [Thalia snarls]
Thalia's saying that technology is a crutch and a distraction.
We have to heist as we are. Don't you see?
[Webs grunts]
[Webs] No!
Do you know how hard it was to get a good graphics card?
[laughter]
[groaning]
[Thalia] Guards fast.
[panting]
[Wolf panting]
Totally. We need to be fast to outrun any guard.
[panting]
But what if we just took a quick five?
- Mm! Something smells delicious. - [both scream]
Look who's finally back.
Where the heck were you two? We were about to be canine kebabs!
H-ham hocks?
That's weird, since you hams don't have any hams!
You've been sneaking out like crazy lately.
And I get we're all super-sus peeps,
but when The Bad Guys need you, you can't be AWOL!
Everyone always complains about me not being a team player.
Well, pot, meet kettle.
- [sighs] We're sorry. - But we're here now.
Good, because with Wolf caught up in the cult of Thalia,
we need to work together to fix this.
I can't believe he'd choose someone he just met over The Bad Guys!
- Yeah. - Uh, not okay.
When I get my hands on him, I'm gonna pulverize him.
It hurts to say it, but…
I know. We gotta break things off with Gare-Bear.
[elevator bell dings]
[panting]
Fast!
Where's Wolf?
[imitating panting]
[cackles]
This mess can't go on.
And I know how to clean it up.
[panting]
Thalia probably beat me back, huh?
Hey, h-have you guys seen Thalia?
We sure did.
We saw her right out the door. [chuckles]
- What? - He means we kicked her out.
Of the door and the lair.
And our lives. Forever!
I-I can't believe you double-crossed me.
Listen.
Thanks to her, you've been picking up all these weird habits and ideas,
and trying to force us to join in.
We've had enough. Trial ended.
Thalia's just not cut out to be a Bad Guy.
As hard as it is to say goodbye to someone you've really bonded with,
sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do for the good of the team.
[sniffles] Yeah.
[Piranha sobs]
[nose blowing]
[sniffles] I'm sorry. We need a moment.
[sobbing]
Mad respect to Thalia for being the world's first criminal.
But, to be honest, she isn't a good one.
Fine. I admit it, things aren't working with Thalia.
But she's still my direct ancestor.
We're pack animals, and she can't make it all on her own in the modern world.
So I'm gonna go find her and bring her back. Who's with me?
Yeah, don't know what I was expecting.
[Wolf howls]
[howls]
Thalia!
[howls]
Think, Wolf. She's scared, alone. Where would she go?
Oh. I got it!
[grunts]
[chuckles]
Just wait till the other Bad Guys hear about this. You are a great criminal.
Look at you, solo-stealing your gear back from the exhibit.
Not stole. Already mine. [snarls]
Mine!
That's the kind of confidence that makes you a great thief.
The world is yours.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, there. Thalia, y-you can't put the necklace back.
Criminals don't do give-backsies.
[grunting]
[Thalia snarls]
[Gary] Loving all these hangs lately,
and these silent smiles.
[Piranha whimpers]
I-I can't do this, Shark.
We have to be strong.
[soft piano music playing]
[Shark sobs]
G-Gary! Gary!
We need to break up with you!
Uh… W-what?
It's not you, it's us.
If the other Bad Guys found out we were hanging with a guard,
they would kick us out!
There's no version of us that works, any way you… [sniffles]
dice it.
What? You can't hang with a guard?
I spotted you two all around town
with that lady wolf, who's clearly a 911-er.
You mean Thalia?
She's a thief, not a guard.
Mm-hmm. Guard recognizes guard.
[gasps] She wasn't the first thief.
[gasps] That means…
[Shark yells]
Thalia, do we really need to do two cardio sessions in one day?
[Thalia snarls]
Whoa! [yells]
- [snarls] - [yells]
Give necklace!
[gasps]
Not if you're gonna return it.
That's not how a thief should behave.
And stop waving that stick around. It makes you look like a… [gasps]
Guard? Wait.
That's what you were? No, no, no.
[gasps]
[yelling] No!
You're not a thief at all. [gasps]
[Thalia grunts]
No wonder you were so bad at all the heisting skills we taught you.
[panting]
- [sighs] - [tires screeching]
Quick! Wolf, hop in!
[snarls]
[screaming]
[yells]
You were right! Thalia doesn't belong with The Bad Guys. She's a--
Guard, we know!
Uh, Gary clued us in.
Gary? The 911-er?
We've been stepping out on you.
We were just getting caught by Gary, but then we were chatting to Gary.
The next thing we knew, we were rolling dice with Gary!
It all happened so fast. We're sorry, but it's all over now.
I can't believe this!
You two were fraternizing with a guard and putting the team in jeopardy.
[groaning]
Like me.
But at least I didn't know I was doing it,
even if there were a lot of signs in hindsight.
Yeah, fine. Pot, meet kettle.
I'm… I'm sorry too.
- [Thalia howls] - Uh-oh!
[screaming]
[grunts]
[screaming]
[snarls]
[whimpering]
Crime bad! You trash!
[tires squealing]
[grunts]
[screaming]
What do we do? I can't shake her! [gasps]
[brakes squealing]
[snarls]
[screaming]
[panting]
Piranha… you know what to do.
- [engine revving] - [tires squealing]
[Snake] Where are we? How is this a fix?
[grunts]
[Thalia snarls]
Ha-ha! Caught!
[Gary] No!
Guard to guard, I'm gonna need you to hold it right there.
Huh?
This is the Friend Zone.
[chuckles] No conflicts allowed.
Friend Zone?
[Thalia sniffs]
[gasps] Guard.
Guard!
Gary, meet Thalia.
It's the end of the road for our friendship,
but we think you two will get along great.
This way, Thalia won't be alone in the modern world,
and you still have someone to hang with.
You two can be the pack that we couldn't.
Fin Bros, I'll never forget this.
And maybe I'll see you in that big Friend Zone in the sky.
If the die permits.
[sniffling]
I know you're a guard and I'm a thief, but we had a bond.
[chanting] Gary! Gary!
Whee-whoo! Whee-whoo!
Okay. Maybe we didn't.
Goodbye, Thalia.
I still can't believe it.
My ancestor isn't the first criminal, after all.
Know what? Forget getting in touch with our roots.
I'm better than my ancestry.
I broke the cycle and turned the good in me bad.
[phone vibrating]
[phones vibrating]
- [gasps] - No, Webs! Do not! Don't!
- [beep] - Serpentina!
Computer ant, I need to speak to my baby boy.
I have dire news.
[in unison] What's wrong?
I'm getting married!
Tomorrow!