You know those moments in life where you wanna pinch yourself and say,
"How did I get here?"
How did a boy from Yuba City, California,
find himself in a room full of guns and flying bodies?
Life is a kaleidoscope of colorful candy, isn't it?
You can't taste it if you don't reach for it.
Everyone cool down. Okay?
Let's take the temperature down a notch.
Again, my name is Lonnie Hawkins. This is my wife, Stacy Hawkins.
We are estranged, but we're working on it.
That is our son, Lance Hawkins.
And this gentleman right over here is my wife's current beau, Radish Dunkirk.
Radford Phipps, an absolute pleasure.
And I believe that woman there in the stocking cap
is my one-time caddie, Sam.
I don't know you, dude. My name's not Sam. It's Delroy McDowell.
Sam, shut it. It's important the killers know our names and that we're real people.
I'm still gonna blow his hand off if I don't get my money.
Swear to God, if you do that, I will rip your dick off!
I'd be careful, Cuddle Bear. She's ripped off one dick today.
She is like Santa Claus with a big old bag full of dicks.
If you're gonna shoot a hand, why don't you just shoot his hand.
- It's already broken. - We don't know that.
It's probably badly sprained and in no way will affect my golf game.
Then why does it smell?
It could be infected.
We'll know more in the next 48 to 72 hours.
- It does smell. - I don't wanna…
Fat guy, stop talking.
- I'm not fat. - Shut it!
Okay.
But seriously, you know, my BMI is normal for someone my size.
Y'all need to shut up!
Oh!
We're in control now.
That's right.
We're in control, so I'm gonna need you three
to take your kid and get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah. - Lance! Come on, let's go!
- Bye, Tony Hawk. - No!
- ♪ They call him The Hawk ♪ - ♪ Hawk! ♪
♪ He's a golfer ♪
♪ The greatest golfer in the world! ♪
Everyone in. Get in. Get in. Come on.
What the fuck?
- What are we doing in here? - Sam told me to hide.
- Who's Sam? - Dad's old caddie with the gun.
What? So your caddie told you to hide?
Oh my God!
Oh, holy shit. That was crazy.
- I knew it! - It's Delroy.
Oh, I missed you. I was wrong. I never should have fired you.
I miss the noises you make when you talk.
I miss how I… I used to ask for my sand wedge,
and you'd give me a putter.
You're erratic, and… and awful driving.
- Awful! - What the fuck?
I miss you, buddy. What I'm trying to say is I need ya.
Firing you was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
And I've made very few, if any at all. I mean…
Maybe that seven… iron, going with seven iron on the fifth hole at the Old Course.
Old Henry, he wanted me to go with an eight iron.
But the wind started to pick up, and I thought if I just hit an easy seven,
I could keep the ball from ballooning on me.
Maybe I swang too hard, I don't know.
Point is, nothing can compare to that decision to let you go.
It was wrong. I need you. I need you more than anyone.
Well, you know what, Lonnie? You should've thought about all that
before you fired my ass.
Oh my God. Shut up. You could have killed someone, lady.
Oh, you're welcome.
- You fucking shitbag. - Whoa…
I just saved your freaking hand from getting blown off.
She's 100% correct.
If it wasn't for me and this lady saving your ass with some Rambo shit--
- Yeah. - Why are you screaming and yelling at me?
You didn't do dick. I'm surprised you didn't pee your pants.
- I didn't do dick? - Yeah.
- No. - I did so much.
But I want to thank you, Sam, for saving my son's hand.
- Not that it was worth saving, but… - Mom!
- What? I am sick of your bullshit, Lance. - Rude.
I am sick and tired of it. You're worse than your father.
Kill them both. I don't even care.
- Whoa. - Oh, whoa, whoa…
I don't kill people. I just, you know, shoot the ceilings.
Still cool.
At least no one got hurt.
Yeah? What about this?
- Lance! - Your right hand!
- Yeah. - That's incredible.
Yeah. Why is that incredible?
You're Luke Skywalker. I'm Darth Vader.
Father and son losing the same hand.
We're connected for eternity.
You know, I can't even feel it. Maybe I'm unbreakable.
I think I may be able to explain why you can't feel it.
Radford, you're shot!
Yes, I seem to have inadvertently caught a bullet.
Can I just bring up the one thing that I think we're all thinking about right now?
This was an incredible family moment!
One to be cherished.
- And we're in Las Vegas. - Lonnie…
Boxcars! Right?
Hiding from gangsters.
- The list goes on and on. - It's a great city.
"For a woman, wert thou first created."
"Until nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting…"
Okay. He's babbling.
Oh, he's not making any sense.
- We gotta get him help. - Por favor.
Come on, Radcliffe. Don't ruin this trip, please.
- Here we are. Okay, great. - Yes.
Okay, good.
You're doing great. Okay, now let me hear you say it.
Self… inflicted.
- Good job. - I knew I liked you, Radcliffe.
Good. Okay.
You know, they try to get you on the bacon
'cause they cook it in that greasy pan to force you not to eat so much.
- That's when I dive in to the ham. - Oh yeah.
The ham, that's where you win. You win with the ham.
And the sausage, both types.
Can we talk about the elephant in the room?
- Stacy, I did not wet my pants, okay? - I'm talking about our son!
Oh, let me guess. You don't like the hair.
Does the pink shock you? I look fucking awesome.
I like the hair. My man looks cool.
- Yeah, me too. - Thank you.
I thought you looked like Machine Gun Kelly
when I busted through that hotel room.
Colson Baker.
- Enough. Not the hair. - I like her. She's cool.
I leave him alone for one night
and he almost throws away his entire career.
- Our son needs help. Can you see that? - Hey! I had that situation under control.
Okay? I did.
Yeah, you're right, Stacy. He's a mess.
And it's affecting his game.
His game?
Do you even give a shit about anything outside of his golf game?
- Oh, do you? - Excuse me?
Seriously, you only care about me winning for your stupid drink.
And you lied to me. Dad told me.
You said he messed up my Legos when I was a kid. I didn't even have Legos.
You just lied to my face.
It's true, Stacy. You did lie. You can be a bad mother sometimes.
- Mm-hmm. - The two of you, please!
You don't think I can see what's going on
with the gambling addiction, the drinking, lying, cheating?
I told you that story so you could keep focused
so that this shit wouldn't happen. That's why I did it.
- No. No. - Yes.
You told me that story because you're both selfish fucks.
Hey! Don't talk to your mother that way!
She's a very good mother and a very sexy woman.
You'd be lucky to roll around the bed with someone like this.
- Dude, what the fuck? - What do you mean?
- It's my mom! - I know. She's hot as shit.
- She is. - Fucking stop.
Hey, my wife and I are here on a family retreat.
Would you mind not swearing?
Fuck off!
- Yeah, maybe fuck off, guy. - You heard him. Get out of here.
Can you please be a dad for just one second, Lonnie?
- What, I… - One second is all I ask.
I took him to a steak dinner. We talked about life. What have you done?
- I do everything all the time. - Oh my God, listen to yourselves!
Nothing's your fault. It's just the other person's fault.
Well, in this particular case…
Oh, my… Dad, Mom,
I love you. I do.
But for now, why don't you just stay the fuck out of my life, okay?
I'll figure my own shit out.
I'm taking my pancakes.
Look, it has been an emotional day, you know,
with the gunshots and the yelling and the running and the crying.
- I think everybody's just on edge. - Yeah. A very weird day.
- Mm-hm. - A weird day.
- Yeah. - Very strange day.
Long, strange day.
Very strange.
A day like no other.
So weird.
Very weird.
A day filled with raw… emotion.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom too.
Um, should I come too?
No.
I better not get stuck with this bill.
Oh, Lonnie.
- Oh, stay there. - Oh, God.
- Oh, get in. Get inside. - Oh, watch my hand.
Do I have sausage breath?
Shh!
Oh, Lonnie.
Squeeze my nuts!
- Go harder! - Squeeze!
Squeeze. Squeeze 'em. Tighter.
- Deeper. - Yeah.
Oh! Oh!
Better not hurt himself.
How's the ham?
One-time deal, Lonnie.
Same thing you said the night we made Lance.
One-time… deal.
If you say so.
- Stop thinking what you're thinking. - Okay, yeah. I'm good.
Are we terrible parents, Lonnie?
What? No.
He wanted to be you his whole life. That's all he wanted.
But he's not you.
Golf is fun for you, but it's not fun for him anymore.
I mean, maybe it was once,
but now he's just playing to get to your heart.
But he doesn't know what I know.
You don't have a heart.
Hold on. I have a heart.
I failed him. I failed my own son.
Oh…
No, look.
I have a heart, I do.
We still got time.
Come on.
You're such a good mother.
You are. Do you know that?
- Thank you, Lonnie. You're sweet. - You're a great mom.
Thank you, Lonnie.
What the fuck are you doing?
- What? Nothing, I'm… - Jesus, Lonnie.
I'm horny.
All of a sudden, you don't get horny?
I'll see you, Lonnie.
I rocked your world.
One-time deal.
I did. I rocked her world. You heard it.
Are you looking for your friend?
- Yeah. Did you see her? - She left. Yeah.
Wanna know where she went?
- Oh, you know? - Yep.
She left me a message to give to you.
- Well, uh, where'd she go? - Hm.
Are you going to apologize to my wife for your potty mouth?
What? Are you kidding me?
Vegas is a huge city, friend. She could have gone anywhere.
Okay. Sorry, lady, for what I said. There. Where'd she go?
No. I mean, that's not an apology.
- You can do better. - Dude, this is important, okay?
I can't lose that woman. It's a matter of life or death, okay?
Basic civility is also important.
Without it, we don't have a society that works, do we?
So, please, try again.
Lady, I'm deeply sorry for my foul language.
Hey, guy, you get one more shot at this.
If you can't nail it, I zip my mouth till the rapture happens.
- Dude! - Uh-oh. It's beginning to zip.
No. Unzip.
Ma'am, uh, I… am so sorry for what transpired earlier.
That… that type of language, it's inexcusable.
And I hope you accept my sincerest apology.
I'm gonna make every effort to become a better person starting right now.
Your friend said to meet her at Deuce's Wild at 2:00 p.m.
Thank you. And for putting me through all that,
you know what I'm gonna say to you?
I have a… I have a general idea.
Have a nice day.
The Hawk's a bit of a wild card.
Ma'am.
Who the fuck is the Hawk?
So you gave that Christian guy 100 bucks to make him apologize?
Yep. But if I know this Hawkins guy, he ain't never showing up.
Well, well, well, Mr. Hawkins.
You're the pickle guy. What are you doing here?
He's, uh… my dad.
Sit.
- We need to talk. - Dad, that's not necessary.
Samantha, we're just two fathers having a talk.
Right?
Do you have a code that you live by, Mr. Hawkins?
I do. "Play it as it lies."
Okay, that's not a code. That's a rule in golf.
But, see, I have a code. And Sam knows the code I live by.
See, she lied to me. She stole from me.
And now she came back here to make it right.
Why are you here, Mr. Hawkins?
Well, I came to get Sam. We're… We're gonna be playing in the US Open.
And why should she trust you? I don't trust you.
You say you need Sam, but you fired her.
Sam is my daughter, Mr. Hawkins.
And you broke her heart.
What if I treated your son the way you're treating my daughter?
You couldn't fire him, 'cause… you're not in the same line of work--
Oh, Lonnie, do you even have a heart?
You know what? Get the fuck out of here. And leave my daughter alone.
You know what?
You're the second person today who's questioned my heart.
And that's bullshit.
I have a heart.
Marley and Me's my favorite movie.
I can't make it through "I'm Not in Love" by 10cc without falling apart,
so don't tell me I don't have a heart.
I came here for Sam.
Sam, whose last name I don't even know,
who has the worst taste of clothing of anyone I've met.
What?
Who doesn't know anything about golf,
but is the best damn caddie in the world.
I came here
because I need her,
and she needs me.
I have a heart, Mr. Sam's dad.
Yeah.
Right on.
Fuckin' A.
Sam.
The bus is parked near the Walmart on the west side of town.
I'm gonna be pulling out in an hour for the US Open.
And I would love it if you were behind the wheel.
I told you he's got balls.
He's a pickle guy.
Pickle guys are tough.
In the open savanna, the cheetah pauses.
Wait, didn't we watch this already?
Mmm? I don't think so.
- Every shadow, a possibility.
- Did we order food? - To the untrained eye…
I don't… I don't remember. Maybe.
Lance? What the fuck?
Crystal! Hey, what's up?
Been a minute. Just thought I'd, you know, drop on by.
Drop by? What are you doing in Los Angeles?
- I'm just chillin'. - Yeah?
Yeah, I'm good. I'm cool. I just, uh…
Yeah, I just…
I was just in the area.
Okay.
- I'm sorry. - Come on. No, come on. Let's go.
- What's wrong? - Everything is wrong.
Natalie left me.
My dad's gonna beat me in the US Open.
My mom doesn't even love me.
I lost all my money, everything's gone to shit.
How you doing, though? You straight?
- Yeah, I'm good, yeah. - You been watching anything good lately?
Any shows or anything?
Oh shit!
Whew! Man…
- Go over there. - How'd that thing get in there?
Oh man, did it make a nest?
That was all that scratching noise… in there.
What you doing there?
Oh, I'm just, uh…
Just looking for something.
- You need help? - No, thanks.
What's he looking for?
- What are you looking for? - Oh, just… something for my kid. You know.
We got kids. They don't want nothing to do with us.
I mean, you feed 'em, you clothe them, you teach 'em everything you know…
Yeah.
…then they don't want nothing to do with you.
Yeah, no, I consider myself a pretty good dad.
You know, my kid's got everything. Now he wants me to get lost.
It's hard to be a man in this world.
There is literally nothing harder.
Men have always had it the toughest.
Yeah, when are people gonna listen?
When are men gonna catch a break?
When?
- What happened to your hand? - Uh… I… I think I broke it.
Is that painter's tape?
Yes, it is.
Respect.
Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me.
For most animals, eucalyptus is inedible…
I'm thinking about taking 'shrooms.
Okay, cool. Just save us some. We'll join you in a bit.
You know, Lance, I'm glad you came, 'cause I still need that favor.
- What favor? - Remember I was telling you?
My dad, he wants his ashes spread on the 18th green at Pebble Beach,
and, you know, the US Open is next week. I figured maybe you could help me.
Eh… I don't know if I'm gonna even play in the US Open.
Why? You qualified, right?
Yeah, but I don't know if I even like golf anymore.
Did you ever like golf?
Yeah. I mean, when we were kids, it was fun.
Hm. Well, why don't we go find out if you still like golf?
It's self-inflicted.
So…
So then what happened?
Well, Lance ran off.
And then… Lonnie and I had sex in the bathroom.
Oh, I'm so sorry about that, Radford.
Okay, do tell. Go on.
Well, I'm still thinking about Golden Fisk's offer.
Because he told me the guys at Mike's Hard Lemonade
could invest in Teed Off if I partner with him.
- But Lance will hate me. - Well, you don't know that.
- Maybe it's the best thing for Lance. - Well…
What I don't understand is why you'd have sex with a man you hate.
I know.
So strange, right?
Mm-hmm.
You ever have unresolved feelings inside you
that you don't want to face head-on… and instead of dealing with them,
you just leave them unresolved?
I don't think so, no.
What do you think? Am I a good person, Radford?
Oh, Stacy, people are complicated, you know.
I think Walt Whitman said it best when he said, "I exist--"
Just tell me, am I a good person?
I think you're a good person. Do you think you're a good person?
Not right now, I don't.
Oh shit.
Mmm…
- Yup. - Ah!
- Yup, still got it. - Oh… Shit, that was not bad.
I mean, I beat my dad one time.
You beat Old Henry at golf? No fucking way.
He was a scratch golfer.
I… cheated.
Can't cheat the game of golf.
You sound like your dad.
So when you said, "Don't let my dad win," you meant I should cheat?
No, that's not what I meant.
I meant, our dads, they have this certain way of seeing us.
And every time I just tried to be what he wanted me to be, I lost.
So I stopped seeing myself as Old Henry's daughter and just… me.
And it definitely changed things.
- How's that supposed to help me win? - What does your dad always say?
"You'd be shocked how many times I had sex with your mother right there."
No, the other thing he used to say-- When we were kids.
- Golf is a mental game. - Golf is a mental game.
- Sorry, he said a lot of stuff. - He… Yeah.
So why don't you beat him at the mental game?
Hmm.
- Mm-hmm. - Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh! Okay.
That was bad, that one sounded bad.
God damn it.
I must have lost 'em.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
I'm sorry, guy. I know what it means to lose something.
I've had more playoff losses than wins.
It's that kind of day, Baron Davis.
I lost my son, now I'm pretty sure I've lost my caddie.
Yeah, a good caddie's like a dog whisperer.
A rare and beautiful thing.
♪ Look at me So clean, no effort ♪
♪ Pony tail, ripped jeans No effort ♪
♪ Face clean, gold ring No effort ♪
♪ Insane, my chain Big pressure ♪
Hey, hotshot.
Hay is for horses.
Yeah, but they may need supplemental feeds depending on their workload.
Sam, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I fired you. That will never happen again.
Jesus Christ. What is this, an episode of Hoarders?
Trying to find my old clubs. I thought Lance should have them.
What better way to prove to him how much I love him?
I mean, other than giving him a kidney or killing one of his enemies,
I can't think of a single other thing.
- Yeah. - Well, what's in that crate over there?
Oh, just probably more of my shit.
Could be… My pellet gun might be in there.
- Oh, it could be my turtle coffin. - Oh!
- Nope. - Will you lookie there!
- You're like a bloodhound. - That's right.
- I have a heart. - Yeah.
I have a heart!
Whoo!
- Pebble Beach? - Pebble Beach, Sam.
But first, let's find me a range and see if I can hit with this hand.
♪ I'm not in love ♪
♪ So don't forget it ♪
♪ It's just a silly phase I'm going through ♪
♪ And just because ♪
♪ I call you up ♪
♪ Don't get me wrong ♪
♪ Don't think you've got it made ♪
♪ I'm not in love, no, no ♪
♪ It's because… ♪
Ma'am?
Ma'am.
Honey? She wants to know if you need anything.
Huh?
Oh. No, thanks.
I don't need anything.
♪ Hot damn, I'm a brand-new man ♪
♪ Got a hundred dollar bill In the palm of my hand ♪
♪ Move to California Where the weather's better ♪
♪ I'm a lot lizard A glutton for pleasure ♪
♪ I get high Living in the desert ♪
♪ I get by Party with my demons ♪
♪ One more time I've always had a feeling ♪
♪ Oh yeah You were just a dream ♪
♪ I am just an angel Living in a nightmare ♪
♪ Life is just a game ♪
♪ Love is an illusion I'm not going nowhere ♪
♪ Smiling while I'm choking all my enеmies ♪
♪ All I do is laugh away the pain ♪
♪ When things get weird We have each other ♪
♪ Best friends almost could be lovers ♪
♪ Bright new face on the magazine ♪
♪ You almost made it But you blew your brain ♪