They finally arrived. I mean, check this out.
Check out the box. It's absolutely incredible.
I can't wait to tear into this. So, yeah…
I'm gonna kill him! I am going to murder him.
I'm gonna murder that guy. I am gonna chop him up into tiny little pieces
and then I'm gonna glue those pieces back together, reanimate him,
- and chop him up again. - No, you're not, Paula.
Yeah, probably not. It's, like, a ton of work.
Yeah, logistically speaking, it'd be, like, a lot of work.
Like, bone glue and, like, those weird clamps and…
Who watches cable TV anyway?
Can you please, like, stop and just… Come on, have a beer with me.
I've got too much to do.
And I'll fall asleep. I'm old and broken.
You are not old.
Well, I am broken.
How does this look?
Trev?
- What? What… - This?
The goat is too small.
- Really? - It's a small goat, yeah.
Okay.
Small goat.
I need to get this place set up or else Karl's not gonna let Hazel sleep here.
That is crazy.
My ex's lawyer's, like, super aggressive,
and mine got his job because he's good at softball.
Relax, yeah?
- You're doing great. - Well, that… that is untrue.
No, it is true. You just have to push through this beginning.
Beginnings are always the hardest part, right?
No. Endings are the hardest part.
Beginnings are pr…
you know, full of promise.
Like, maybe… I don't know… just this one time,
instead of getting fisted by the giant puppeteer in the sky,
I'll, like, find love or happiness.
Maybe even just a $20 bill on the ground, right?
But then, if this is the good, happy part of my life,
I might as well just cut it short and take a bath with a toaster.
No.
- If I could even find it. - No. No toasters.
It's possible I'm being dramatic.
I think so, yeah.
Thank you for listening.
Of course.
Oh, shit. I hate to do this, but we've only got, like, six minutes left.
- Already? - Yeah.
Unless you want another hour?
Can we make six minutes work?
Paula, come on. Six minutes?
Six minutes is like a lifetime.
Do you know how fast I can get you off?
- Poor guy is suffocating down there. - Better let him breathe.
I'm gonna make you feel so good, Paula.
'Cause you deserve it.
Hey, come on. Take your clothes off.
I wanna see your body.
Ticktock.
- Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock. - Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock.
Ticktock. Ticktock. Ticktock.
Oh, my God. You're so hot.
No, you're so hot.
No, you're young and strong and smooth like a dolphin.
It's not even close.
Wow, you look fucking gorgeous.
Are you ready for this?
Oh, fuck.
- Here… - Yeah.
…we…
go.
- There's my baby. - Hi, Mama.
Hi, Hazel.
I really want to sleep over at your new apartment, but Dad says I can't yet.
You totally can. No, tomorrow night.
It's gonna be so much fun.
We need to do the banana dance. We need to do the banana dance.
Oh, my God. I was born to banana dance.
You know, I can do all the tropical fruits.
I can mango. I can pineapple.
I can--
I gotta go.
- Bye, Mommy. Love you! - Hey, P.
Can I pretty please get any fact-checks on that story, like, now?
Oh, well, I mean, it's 3,000 words, and I just… just… just got it.
Yes, but somebody here is always late on a deadline.
- Excuse me? - JK, Drew. JK.
He is onto a major story, though, so we have to move.
People want to read about the senator's improprieties.
They don't care about precise deets.
Okay, yeah. Totally get it. But just in terms of fact checking,
there's some problematic "deets."
- What? - Look, well…
Like, she says she took the A-train to get to his office.
- The A-train doesn't even go there. - She took a train.
- It's truth-y. Help us, Paula. - She took a train.
Look, Paula. I know you have the highest standards.
But it's no good if we finish second. You've asked for a bigger role here, yes?
Yes.
And we all agree this department needs a leader.
And I'm totally ready for that.
Yeah, management is looking at outside candidates. I have been pushing for you.
- Okay, thank you, thank you. - No, don't thank me.
Just show everyone you are who I hope you are.
We need this article by end of day. Do you feel me?
You are felt.
Hey, P.
"You are felt"?
What a deeply weird thing to say.
Yeah. Were you trying to be sarcastic or, like, kiss her ass?
Neither of them worked, by the way.
No, 'cause if you wanna kiss her ass, you would hide your anger better.
Yeah. Like, we really hope you become our boss.
Yeah, we're like, "We really hope that you become our boss."
And if you would be sarcastic,
you would, like, change your inflection a bit more.
We really hope you would become our boss.
You have to change the inflection.
Could you please go back to work?
Come on, Paula. We're just "JK'ing."
- Paula, we're just "JK'ing." - It's Suzie.
It's a Suzie impression
- because of her accent. - 'Cause of the British accent.
- Up yours, Rudy. - Okay, putting it up there.
Love ya.
Guys, I want to move my gator,
but we need more cha-ching in those chats, you know?
You wanna see our tips, we need to see your tips.
Beautifully put, Sky.
- We want fancy sushi for lunch. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Not that imitation crab. We want crab crab!
Guys, remember I do private video chats,
as well. So, you know, you turn your camera on too.
Just put the request in down there.
I wanna play with you.
Meet me today. Deposit and screen name required for all--
Hot and ready for you. Explosive. One little deposit.
Hi.
Hey, good looking. How are you doing?
Yeah, good.
I thought we were having dinner together.
My mom is the exact opposite.
Like… super traditional. You know, she's, like, a big fan of Barbara Bush.
Yeah. We had, like, a farm with animals and everything.
- Really? - Yeah.
You are looking at the blue ribbon winner
for my pig at the county fair.
No, you're fucking with me.
I'm not. It's true.
Wait, is this, like, a fantasy for one of your other clients?
Like, they like to watch you milk a cow real slow?
No, I'm serious. It's true. It's, um… I have a picture somewhere.
Honestly, I just didn't think I'd be here, you know?
Like, I'm supposed to have it all figured out.
And I'm a mess.
I have you and a third grader to talk to.
Like, I'm barely treading water.
That's good company.
Also, you're saying treading water like… like it's a bad thing.
But, I mean, treading water is what you do to keep from drowning.
I did get a certificate in Girl Scouts for treading water.
You are so smart, and funny,
and sexy as hell.
Coming!
- Hold on one second, okay? - Wait. Somebody's here?
I don't know. It's the door.
Okay.
Coming!
No! No! Go away! Go!
Get-Get outta here! Fuck outta here! Fuck out!
- Oh, my God. - Get out!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Help! Help me! Call someone! - Holy shit. Trevor?
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Hey! Leave him!
Fuck. Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
I'm filming!
I'm filming! Stop it!
Leave him alone!
What do you want? What do you want?
Oh, my God. Leave him alone!
I'm filming you, motherfucker!
Ko si ti?
- Fuck! Paula! - Oh, my God.
Paula, call someone! Paula, help!
Oh, my God. Leave him alone! Stop it!
Ko si ti?
Please!
And just to clarify, this was all during an Internet sex thing, ma'am?
What-What does that have to do with anything?
Respectfully, I'm only asking because I think it may be fake.
What do you mean it's fake?
Fake. Like, not real.
But I-I don't want to diminish your experience.
Let's play it out, say it happened.
Sure. Why not? For a goof.
Do you know where he lives?
No.
Okay, so he could be in Romania for all we know.
No, he's in America.
East Coast time because we would make plans and just say, "1:00,"
not, like, "1:00 East Coast time."
And Northeast because we had the same weather.
I feel like he's local.
Okay, sure.
Still, if he was assaulted, um…
we wouldn't know where exactly to send police officers.
And another possibility is that, as I said earlier,
this could be fake. A scam.
Scam.
You said you had your camera on. He could see you?
Yep.
Okay, so he could have recorded you.
Are you married?
I'm divorced.
Me too.
Love isn't about getting yelled at all weekend.
Assuming he did record you,
he could blackmail you.
No, he wouldn't do that.
Okay, ma'am, maybe…
maybe you didn't know him.
Maybe it was all an act.
I mean, you pay a fee, you get some tenderness.
Just because he does this kind of work doesn't mean he's a bad person.
Of course not.
But still, this isn't the first time we've seen this kind of scam.
And if it's that, tonight, maybe tomorrow, you're gonna get a call.
Does he have your number?
- Yeah. - May wanna change that.
Anyway, he's gonna tell you a sob story,
like he's in debt to some bad dudes or something like that,
and if he could get ten, maybe 20 grand, he can be free.
If he calls, hang up. Don't engage.
These people are very good. They know how to pick their marks.
Well, either you're wrong or I'm a fucking idiot.
No. No, you're a human being.
A lot of garbage out there trying to make money off that.
Good people, they're like magnets.
And sometimes, they attract troublesome things.
Paula! Paula, help!
Help! Help me! Call someone!
Jesus.
Sorry.
- Hello. - Hey, Paula, how are ya?
Yeah. You're my lawyer. You… You tell me.
You've been better.
Looks like Karl's team now wants to see Hazel's bedroom.
Really?
No, it'll be fine. Nothing's gonna be easy with these guys.
It all boils down to Karl wants to move. You don't want him to.
Well, I'm seeing Hazel this afternoon so I can get the whole story.
No, you won't. Avoid conflict.
Let me handle it.
Hazel's friends are here. Her school's here.
What's going on with the promotion?
They haven't said anything official.
But it seems good.
Okay. Stable job, newly promoted.
Role model for Hazel. I wish you were my mom.
Anything else going on?
Nope.
Coming!
- Hey. - Hi.
Hazel will be right down. She's just watching Human Centipede.
Or is it Minions? Minions is the one where they're sewn together, right?
I think that's Despicable Me.
Wanna come in?
- It'll be just a minute. - Okay.
You could stay out here if you want. I don't care. It's up to you.
- It's hot. - Yeah.
She tell you she wants to try ice hockey coed?
- I said, "No, that's not gonna happen." - Good, good.
Practice is at 5:00 a.m.
- 5:00? Who does that? - Yeah.
I don't know. Like, way better parents than us.
That's why art class is great because we get to sleep in,
and she doesn't have her teeth knocked out.
- Yeah, art is better than hockey. - That's right.
- A little early? - We're celebrating.
Mallory just signed a new client.
- Oh, great! - It's good news.
Yeah, but that's also really lovely of you to comment on my behavior.
I'm not commenting.
There's no comment.
Hazel! Let's go, bud.
In a minute, Mom!
Fucking Christ.
Karl.
Does it have to be Boise? I'm not moving to Idaho.
- You might like it. - Oh, yeah?
I'll grow the county's biggest potato and I'll become mayor by accident.
Come on!
I'd vote for you. I like a big potato.
You're making it ugly, and it doesn't have to be.
Like, can you just think about it? Please. For one second.
Let's not do this right now like this, please.
Think about her, for one second.
How's the house?
You know it's an apartment.
And it's fucking dreamy.
- Great. - Yeah, it's…
Hey, look. I'm not saying this to start a fight.
But I know how bad you wanna see Hazel over the holiday.
It's just impossible and it's not gonna work.
You can't do me one favor?
I can't do you this favor.
I'm gonna wait in the car until her movie's done, okay?
- Okay, she'll be right down. - Just send her out when she's done.
You got it.
- Yeah! - That was…
- We did it! - Whoo-hoo!
That one was really good. Can I post it?
I don't know. Are you ready to be super famous?
I only have three followers, Mom. You, Dad and Mal.
Okay, I've got takeout pizza. But I could also make you a pasta with Bolognese.
Pizza.
"Pizza." Okay, but I-I am getting way better.
Promise you.
- Okay. - Okay, less…
- No, wait. No. - Less watching
- and more making pizza into energy. - Wait, no. But wait… But I need to…
But, Mom…
Do it now.
Mom?
- Yeah? - Did you get that job thing?
I won't know for a bit. But thank you for asking, dumpling.
- Yeah, I think you're gonna get it. - Yeah?
No, I know you're going to get it.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hello.
Paula?
Paula, Paula, it's-it's me. It's-it's Trevor.
Paula?
- Just a sec, Hazelnut. - Okay.
I need help. 'Cause they-they… they kidnapped me.
My mom gave me all the money and…
and they said it wasn't… It's not enough.
Not enough?
- No. - Bummer.
And they're gonna kill me.
Please, Paula. Paula.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please.
Please, Paula, help me. I'm so scared.
I'm so scared.
No, Paula. Paula, please wire 15,000 or they're gonna…
they're gonna kill me.
Trevor, just don't. Just stop. Okay?
Listen up. You need to send $15,000 or he's dead.
You hear me? He is dead.
Mom!
Can I play ice hockey?
No!
Detective Gonzales.
Hi, it's Paula Sanders. He called asking for money.
- What do we do? - We ignore him.
This is a nuisance, not a real crime.
Besides, we have nothing to go on.
That's it?
Listen, I'm sorry this happened to you. I have to run.
Mom!
Hazel, I'm in the shower!
Mom, somebody's calling you!
Hazel, don't answer it.
Don't answer it, honey!
Hello?
Hazel!
He said his name was Trevor and he said he would call back.
Why did you answer?
I told you not to, right?
Hey, baby.
It's okay. I'm sorry.
It was my fault, my fault.
He was really crying, Mom.
Really?
Yeah, he's a big crybaby.
He's probably watching Bambi.
Yeah.
Goodbye.
- Bye! Love ya. - I love you.
Have so much fun and remember, do not poop your pants.
Okay, no promises.
- I love you. Bye! - Okay. I love you. Bye!
Paula. Paula!
So, I know you said no,
but the soccer team still needs a second coach.
- Uh-huh. - I'd do it, but I ran out of Xanax.
Just kidding. I have so much Xanax,
but I'm already organizing the dance fundraiser,
and it is sapping my will to live.
I… I never said no.
No.
Karl said you weren't interested.
Well, I am interested.
- Wait, really? What? - Yeah, I'm…
I'm so interested. I love… Soccer is my thing.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Yay. Oh, thank God. - Yeah, that's so fun.
- Thank God. Thanks for asking me. - Yeah, yeah.
So, the other coach is a dad, Steve,
but don't worry, he's not a Steve.
I'll grab the equipment for you.
I'll be right back!
Well, I heard everyone's downsizing their fact-checking departments.
Thank you, AI.
- So, how's your LinkedIn? - Tight as fuck.
- You? - I don't have that shit.
I deleted mine.
Why?
I'm gonna stand out by being harder to find.
You know, like, elusive kinda, exclusive.
Let me… Let me stop you there.
That is a… That's a terrible idea.
Is it though?
Think about it for a second.
Still terrible.
Okay.
So, I just disagree.
We're fine. They'll never get rid of us.
Thank you.
Some of us, not all of us.
Hello. Paula.
Paula, it's… it's me.
How the fuck did you get this number?
How the fuck did you get my fucking work number?
Please.
- Please, please. - Stop, stop, stop.
- He's gonna… He's gonna kill me. - Stop it, okay?
- He's… - I know it's a scam, okay?
I know it.
After all the time we spent together,
after everything that I shared with you,
just admit it, Trevor.
If that's even your real name.
What does it matter?
Either way, you need to pay.
We know everything.
Your job, your ex's job, cute little Hazel.
We can destroy your life.
I don't want that for you.
I like you, Paula. You know that.
Pay the money. Do it now.
We can destroy your life.
This is a lot of bread.
This is an aggressive amount of bread.
I wonder if too much bread is as annoying
- to, like, starving kids in Appalachia. - Really?
Because I don't want a loaf so big
it looks like I have itty-bitty baby hands,
you're gonna food shame me?
Do you guys ever watch porn?
Did I hear… That was…
That's a big change of subject from Paula.
Like, on the Internet?
As opposed to in a movie theater.
I just read this really weird story
where they said that they can scam you.
Yeah, those sites have a lot of malware.
Porn is kind of gross.
Well, sex work isn't gross. I mean, people need to make a living.
No, bro, I know, but hashtag sex work is work.
We are all allies,
but, like, the industry itself is pretty abusive.
I don't know. I mean, my roommate has an OnlyFans.
- It's no big deal. - Your roommate now?
- Not your girlfriend? - Oh, well,
we're just roommates again.
Right, because it's cooled off.
Vi only sleeps with you when it's hot out.
'Cause your room has air conditioning.
She uses you for Freon.
- Are you okay, Paula? - Yeah, fine.
That's a lot of bread.
- Fuck. - Rea…
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
All right. Two can play your fucking game.
Stop it! What the fuck? What the…
What the fuck? What the fuck?
Please.
Ko si ti?
I'm filming you, motherfucker!
Paula.
Tae Kwon do!
- One! - Tae Kwon do!
- Two! - Tae Kwon do!
- Three! - Tae Kwon do!
- Four! - Tae Kwon do!
- Five! - Tae Kwon do!
- Six! - Tae Kwon do!
- Seven! - Tae Kwon do!
- Eight! - Tae Kwon do!
- Nine! - Tae Kwon…
Mom? How come we never see the stars?
Sorry? What's that?
There's no stars.
You can see the moon, but, like, that's it.
Oh, yeah, it's 'cause it's too bright.
So we have all these cars and street lights and stuff.
Sometimes it just doesn't get dark enough to see the stars.
- That really sucks. - Hey.
Watch it with the S word.
That is not the S word.
It's shit, right?
It is shit.
You know, I'm gonna take you camping one day.
You won't believe how many stars you can see.
Yeah, you can see so much more in the dark.
Ko si ti?
I think I found him.
- Paula! - No, no, no, no, no.
- You don't understand. It's really good. - No, I do.
As we thought, it's a scam!
He recorded you. He has your info, okay?
He can "CSI enhance" and use it against you.
Exactly. And that's what I did to him.
So he lives in Harding Park.
He's in one of three houses across from Mr. Crabb on Craft Avenue.
It's right by the airport. See?
So now what do we do?
We continue to investigate.
We're already doing everything we can, given the facts.
You're doing everything you can?
You… I…
I just gave you exactly where he is.
Can't you go check out the houses?
Can't you do fucking anything?
I am trying to explain to you how the system works.
I'm an officer of the law.
I am not your gal pal.
This is the real world!
I will continue to look into it.
But as I've told you, change your number.
Put one more barrier between you and him.
- We have three major stories… - Sorry, can I…
…in the coming weeks, so things are gonna be really int--
- Can I just take this? Sorry. Okay. - Yeah.
- Hello. - Hey, how are ya?
Hey, I talked to Mallory,
and if you want Hazel over the holidays, we're okay with it.
We can make that happen for you.
Oh, really?
Yeah, really. I think you guys will have fun.
Yeah, yeah, we will have fun. That's great.
That's awesome. Thank you.
All right, I gotta go. I'm on the Peloton.
I'm about to puke all over Northern Italy.
- Hey. You know what I wanna do tonight? - What?
I want to go buy a bunch of gifts that we totally don't need
and then maybe have a bunch of chocolate syrup just in a bowl
and you can eat it with a spoon or a straw if you want to.
Maybe watch that movie that you really want.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Homework? - No.
- You said, "homework." - No, I didn't!
- You want to do homework instead? - No!
- Aw, man! Really? - Mom.
I can't twist your arm, you know?
- How would… - If you love homework so much,
then I guess that's what we're gonna have to do tonight.
You don't want to have the best day ever?
- Yes, I do! - You do?
- Yes, I do. - Don't want to do homework?
- No! Boo! - Boo.
Boo.
- …back of the head and said that… - No.
And… And, like, some of it got in my ear
and that's how I got the ear infection.
- And then… - Rafa!
- Otis put hot tamales on my ice cream… - You…
…and I was really mad, but I ate it anyway.
- You did? - Yep.
Do you want some hot tamales on this?
- No. No. - Why?
'Cause it was gross.
- He's like Ganon, but ten times bigger. - Whoa, really?
Waska was showing me how to like…
like defeat him.
You're the best sleeper in the town. Good night.
- Good night. - Sleep tight.
Yeah, I'm a T-Mobile customer
and I'm thinking about changing my number.
Yeah. No. Not yet,
but how would that work with my contacts and stuff?
Anyone who wants scrambled eggs, time to wake up!
I want Pop-Tarts!
- Hey! - Hi, Daddy!
You're seven minutes late.
- Hey, how many seconds? - Bye, Mommy!
- You have fun? - Bye, baby.
- You go on inside. - Yep.
I'm gonna talk to Mom for a second. I'll see you right in there, okay?
Okay!
What the fuck are you doing, Paula?
What?
There's some guy named Trevor FaceTimed me and he's desperate to talk to you.
Who the fuck is Trevor?
He looked about 20 and strung out.
Is that who you're fucking now? You fucking Midnight Cowboy?
You know what he said to me?
He said that I needed to get your attention
or he was a dead man.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Please, what does it mean?
And how the fuck did he know about Portland?
Why would you tell him about Portland, Paula?
Why would you tell fucking anyone?
Fucking answer me, please.
I'm lost here.
What is wrong with you?
You know what? Actually, I'm calling my lawyers and I'm telling them this.
And I'll tell you, Paula, you can forget about seeing Hazel over the holiday.
That's not gonna happen.
And if you are acting erratic again,
I don't think it's safe for you to be around Hazel
- unsupervised. - No, no.
I'm sorry, but it's fucking not.
I-I… I need it. I need that.
- I need to see her. - I knew something
- was wrong with you… - You can't do that.
- …but what the fuck is wrong with you? - Karl, you can't do that.
- You can't do that. - I can fucking do that.
- You can't do that to me. - Yes, I can.
Tighten your fucking shit up.
Enough already!
Stop fucking calling me!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Move your goddamn car! Come on!
Hello?
Jesus.
Hello?