Bro, learn to make your own food, huh?
No, I'm telling you, passive income.
You get this from a wealth podcast?
Maybe hosted by, you know, an alpha dude with a shaved head?
Were there a lot of ads for cold plunges? 'Cause it sounds like it.
No. Listen to me, okay?
We buy the old motel next to the college.
We… We buy it for nothing.
- We fix it up-- - And we "de-hepatitis" it.
Would you wanna be the one to scrub out the blood and semen stains?
Yeah, I'll scrub it down, okay?
- We can hose it down… - Really?
…with antibiotics for all I care.
- I don't… Whatever, okay? - Okay.
We turn them into apartments.
I know carpentry, I can do most of the work--
And then what?
Then you rent these apartments to broke, unreliable college kids?
No. We rent it to their parents. Guarantors. There's no risk.
You need permits, babe. You need insurance…
- Okay, Mr. Reality. - Well, it's just… it's a risk.
Look. You wanna get rich?
Be boring. Mutual funds, CDs.
Don't buy too many things. Don't buy too few.
Don't tell your friends how much you make.
Get something expensive for yourself, have a good place to hide it.
I have one.
Maybe cook instead of sushi every day.
"Maybe cook instead of sushi every day."
Being profoundly cute is not a business plan.
You need discipline.
Well, I already put 30% down.
Didn't know you had the money.
Well, I've been saving.
You really are cute, you know that?
Kinda tragic how cute you are.
So, is that a yes?
Are you in?
'Cause… I'd really like to do this together.
Well…
if it makes you happy.
Are you sure you can't sleep over?
I am very sure.
Unlike you, handsome, I have a boss and responsibilities.
Call me when you wake up.
Look, it's wearing a scarf.
Smart. It is cold and flu season.
Good night, babe.
Oh, God.
It's too early for brekkie.
Yeah.
Seriously?
It's what Billie Eilish feeds her freaking Abyssinian.
All right, all right. I'll get you the good stuff.
Hello?
Fuck.
Okay.
Incoming call from Karl.
Oh, my God. Is everything okay? Is Hazel okay?
Yeah, yeah. Hazel's fine.
Are you okay, Paula?
Yeah.
No, no.
Fuck! Fuck me in the fucking face!
- You're on speakerphone, Paula! - Mom!
Do you have my new cleats?
Yeah, one of us is a little bit upset
because it's the first practice and they're a little bit nervous
about losing their center-mid position to Chloe E.
You… You have all of her stuff, Karl.
Except the new cleats.
I'm sure you… you… you have to have 'em. Maybe you moved 'em when--
- Mom, I need them! - I don't know.
Chloe E. went to soccer camp!
Soccer camp, Paula! It's a goddamn emergency.
Paula.
- Paula. - Mom!
Yeah. I-I-I don't have them, sweetie.
Then I'm not going, Mom! You're so annoying!
Yeah, there are worse things happening in the world, Hazel!
Okay, you're off speakerphone,
and we do have the old cleats, which will be fine for today.
- They suck so much. - Yeah, they do suck.
We hate them worse than poison but they'll do, right?
Come on, sweetie. Please.
All right, here's the plan. I gotta go to the airport after drop off.
Will you go to the house and grab the old ones?
Mallory's gonna be there.
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay. - Okay, great.
- Bye. Bye. - Bye, Daddy. Shoo.
- Okay. - Love you, Hazel.
What is your fucking deal, Paula?
I'm having a really fucking bad morning, Karl.
Oh, you're having a tough start? You're having a bad morning?
Yeah, I'm having a tough start.
- Do you wanna know what Hazel told me? - Yeah.
She said she talked to your little junkie boyfriend.
Yeah, she said he was really scary and that… that he made her cry.
What the actual fuck, Paula? What is wrong with you?
All right, look.
Mallory thinks we should just settle custody in court
and my lawyer agrees, so…
I'm trying to be civil with you, but you are making it very hard.
Do you understand that?
Paula? Say something.
I have to go.
You have to g--
Come here, you little fart.
He lock you out again?
Come here.
Yeah.
What?
Huh?
New message from Karl.
New message from Steve.
Who the fuck is Steve?
New message from Suzie Work.
Oh, my God. Fuck off.
Incoming call from Suzie Work.
New message from Geri.
New message from-- New message from Karl.
- Fuck off! - New message from Steve.
New message from Karl.
New message from Suzie Work.
- Hi, Paula. - Hi, Mal.
Her cleats are in there. Come on in.
Can I offer you anything?
No, no, I gotta… I gotta get to work.
Oh, come on.
I could make us tea.
Okay, yeah, sure.
Didn't think you'd say yes.
It's like a… It's a power move.
I'm gonna make you boil water to prove I'm over any past ugliness.
- Are you? - Probably not.
But there's so many new aggravations that I sometimes lose track
of where I stand on the old ones.
Yeah.
- Hey, is something going on? - No.
No, no, it's nothing.
This lady, like, Karen'ed out on me at the market
and I-I-I forgot my credit card and I-I, like, held up the line,
and there was some shouting
and then I-I probably could've handled it better,
but hopefully we don't go viral or anything.
Like I said, it was… It's nothing.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Don't do that.
It's not nothing.
Ugh, I-I hate that feeling.
Sometimes, like, if I've had too much wine the night before,
I can get really foggy the next day, like, forget my keys or my phone.
I mean, have you been drinking maybe? Or is that why?
Like, you have a fun night the night before?
No.
You know I had Hazel last night.
Oh. Yes.
- Right. - Sorry, I cut you off.
- So, was this Karen old or young? - Yeah.
- I better get going. - Wait, what, why?
'Cause I forgot how committed you are to ruining my life.
Paula, look, can we be civil?
What's happening now isn't anyone's fault.
Isn't it yours a little bit?
You think you're the victim.
Karl and I have a different POV.
You and Karl are trying to take my daughter
- and move her to fucking Idaho. - That's not…
So you can take your POV and you can shove it right up your A-S-S.
- Paula. - Get your own daughter, Mal.
Like, let Karl crawl all over you with his big sweaty chest bush
and grind away like he's trying to dislodge a bag of Doritos
from a fucking vending machine, but I gotta tell you,
a baby is gonna ruin that sweet little biking bod you've got going on there.
You are gonna be exhausted and you are gonna be boring
and you're gonna fucking reek of diapers and breast milk.
And then who knows, maybe Karl dumps you for a different coworker.
She's my daughter, Mal.
You don't get to fuck up her life.
That's my job.
All I need, is a cheeky little bit of…
Hi, it's Kyra, Prem's mom.
Prem really wants to play goalie today, but she has a piano recital soon
and we can't risk her hurting a finger. If--
- You're so dead. - What?
Suzie's been looking for you.
- She's in a mood. - What flavor?
Vanilla.
- You okay? - Yeah, no, no, no…
Yeah, I cut, cut myself on a tuna can.
Weird. You're probably gonna get lockjaw.
It was packed in spring water. I think I'm okay.
- Depends. Was it pole-caught? - So?
Fix your car?
Yeah… Yeah. Yes.
And I will get these pages to you by EOD.
Not EOD, ASAP. This has to go live in two hours.
I know you have responsibilities beyond this place,
but, candidly, I don't care about anything beyond this place.
Look, you asked me for more responsibility…
It requires commitment.
Commitment, yeah.
I mean, I'm a hundred percent committed.
I'm a hundred and five percent committed.
Yeah.
Hi. Can you confirm that you did say that the senator wasn't there on the 4th?
Hello… Uh-huh.
Okay, you did say that? All right.
Yeah. I got it. I'm almost done.
Sorry, you have a visitor in the conference room.
Thank you for seeing me.
You want some cashews?
- Uh-uh. - No?
Okay.
So, I ran down those addresses you gave me.
Guess what?
A sex worker was found dead in one of them.
The responding officer sent a photo.
Sure looked like your guy.
I'm gonna give you one chance here.
If you've got anything to tell me, you're gonna wanna tell me now.
Right now.
I-I-I know.
You know…
I…
I was there.
I saw the body.
Holy shit. 5-0.
You think Paula's getting arrested for dangling participles?
Seriously. You think she did something?
I don't know. DUI, maybe? Loitering?
Kidnapping?
That's a bit much.
Dognapping?
Yeah, okay, that I could actually see.
- Yeah, she's, like, just sad enough. - Yeah.
Like she sees a poodle tied up outside a Starby's
and, you know, before she knows it, she's got something to love.
Yeah, I should've called the police. I was going to,
and then… and then I didn't.
And then when I didn't, I couldn't and--
What possessed you to go there?
That was pretty reckless.
He was harassing me.
He called my ex-husband.
Like, I have custody issues, and Trevor knew about them.
He knew about everything and he was gonna use it against me.
Okay?
And I-I didn't know what to do and you guys weren't helping me at all.
You had to confront him.
To scare him.
I went there to tell him to leave me alone.
He was threatening my kid.
Okay.
So, you arrive, you ring the bell, kick down the door.
- What? - The door was open, so I just walked in.
And then I found him.
He was dead.
He was in the bathtub.
Uh, it was 8:15.
What did you do next?
Aside from not immediately call 911?
I heard someone else come in, so I ran and I hid in the closet.
And then I heard a saw.
Like a power saw.
Was the body…
A little.
Did you see this person?
Old? Young? Anything will help.
No, I didn't see them.
I, except…
This is weird. They were wearing Trevor's boots.
With two different colored laces.
Well, maybe he knew Trevor, or maybe…
he forgot his murder booties and used the dead man's shoes instead.
So, you find a dead body,
you think a killer is still in the house,
you get away,
you're safe,
then you skip off to work?
All la-di-da?
I mean, you have to admit that's strange.
Why not call 911?
You know, she did weirdly mention porn the other day.
She's not a pornographer.
Even if she was, pornography's legal.
- It's free speech. - Good point.
Unless it involves minors.
- That's gross. - Bestiality. Also illegal.
And we're back to the dog thing.
What if it's an underage dog?
That'd be really bad.
You were scared.
I'll bet.
You must have been terrified.
I was, but not just of the guy.
I-I kept thinking about my kid
and how my ex-husband would use this to show that I was unfit.
If he knew that I was tangled up
with a cam boy or at the scene of a murder,
I would…
I would lose everything.
I just… I panicked.
Your ex sounds like a real jerk.
Not always, but yeah.
Lately, yeah.
Marriage is a marathon.
Sometimes you puke.
Hi. What was that all about?
Nothing. I just got scammed online.
Shit. Sorry.
Credit card?
No, I met a guy.
He seemed nice, and then he scammed me.
That sucks, yeah.
Dating sites can be brutal.
Which one do you use?
The one where you have to show photos of your graduate degree,
or the one where you have to show photos of your butthole?
Those are just the two basic prototypes.
It wasn't a dating site.
He was a cam boy.
He was a "cam-man."
He was an age-appropriate cammer.
Jesus, this is so embarrassing.
- It's not. It's amazing actually. - It's the best thing
that ever happened to me. Continue.
No, I just… I…
I thought he really liked me
and I opened up to him,
and then he totally scammed me.
Sorry, Paula.
No, I just keep thinking, like…
I should have known.
Like, I have been with a gold-medal succession of jerks in my life
and… and, like, Karl was the first genuinely good guy I ever even met.
And-And we were happy, you know?
Like, we-we got married,
and we moved to Portland.
And I got this job at a little local paper.
Like, they gave me a Diners Club card,
which, like, nobody even accepts Diners', but I had it.
I was in the club.
And then we had a baby and then…
and then regular bickering just turned into, like, real fights about real things,
and the genuinely good guy turned out to be, like, the biggest jerk of all.
And now I get scammed by cam boys, and you guys think I'm a super freak.
- Get here. - Hug her?
Okay, now you guys tell me your most humiliating sex stories, right?
- Okay… - Oh, no.
I used to pleasure myself to Scooby-Doo.
Hi. I'm just…
Hi, I'm Paula. I'm the new coach. Whoops.
Here, let me help you with that.
Yeah.
Doughnuts for soccer practice, huh?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, everybody loves doughnuts.
They are sweet, they're moist--
They're America's fruit?
- I'm Steve. - Hi.
- With the… - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Right.
Oh, my God. I'm Paula.
I totally did not text you back.
No, no. It's okay. I over-texted.
- It's just kids' soccer practice, right? - Yeah. Yeah.
My ex told me I need to be more chill, so…
- Be more chill? - Yeah.
- Wow. I think you dodged a bullet. - Mom! Mom.
I should've never brought her up.
Where are my cleats?
- Your cleats? - Cleats.
Ow. Ow!
Mom, I hate these.
Okay. Okay.
Do you think maybe there's something else that's bugging you, sweetie?
No.
Chloe.
She gave everybody cherry lip balm but me.
It's not nice to make someone feel left out, is it?
- No. - No. I'm sorry that happened.
Yeah.
Hey, you know…
on the night you were born,
right before you slid out of me--
Yeah, it was kinda "ew."
But, right before that,
there was a storm.
Wind was howling and hail was smashing the windows.
And right at the craziest, most intense part…
- What? - You came out.
You weren't like,
"That sounds scary. I'm gonna stay safe inside."
You were like, "That sounds awesome. I wanna see what that is."
And that's when I knew.
I knew that you were gonna be brave and adventurous,
so forget about these lip-balm girls.
'Cause what do I always tell you, Hazel?
"Brush your teeth."
Yes, but you are a badass.
You're a badass.
You know that, right?
"You're a bad ass."
"YABA"? Wow.
That is totally inappropriate.
And I freakin' love it.
Okay, get out there, badass.
- I love you, Mommy. - I love you too.
Thank you.
YABA!
- YABA. - YABA!
Oh, yeah!
Whoa!
One, two, three… Go, Owls!
- Great job, Coach. - Hey, thanks.
All right, Hazelnut. Go get your stuff.
Okay.
I-I…
I had something that I would love for you to read, if you had a sec.
Feeling a tad under the gun here.
Right, I… I should leave. Yeah.
Just… be still.
It's not shit.
Yay.
Yes, "yay." Yes.
"It's not shit" is as good as it gets.
But it doesn't grab me,
which, if you are an absolute, utter no one, which, no offense--
No, I'm-I'm aware I'm-I'm garbage.
You need to overwhelm my central nervous system like some rare tropical disease.
We just need something juicier.
Your body is amazing. You know how fast I can get you off?
I've never been there. I hear it's beautiful.
Are you gonna cum for me, Barbara?
You're so hot. You like that?
You like that? You like watching me touch myself?
Come on, piggy. Roll around in the mud.
Crawl for it, little pig. Come on, piggy. Roll around in the mud.
I wanna lick you all over.
That's great. I'm so proud of you, Donna.
…cum for me, Barbara?
I wanna lick you all over. Show me how your touch yourself.
Does your girlfriend know about me? Did you tell her what we do?
Show me how your touch yourself.
I love that movie.
Fuck, I'm gonna make you feel so good.
G, come get dinner with me.
Nope.
Come on. We'll get those spicy wings you like.
It'll be fun.
I think I'll solve a murder instead.
It's fun too. You should try it some time.
What aren't you telling me, Paula?
That was very good.
I know.
Hello, Hazel.